new here. Feel like dying

[ms ladybug]

Well, here's a little update.
Thanksgiving went OK. I got up early and took the car to the carwash for a quick do-it-youself vacuum. I had both kids with me, so I couldn't vaccuum out the crumbs in the carseats. H never noticed.

Anyways, TG went OK. We went to my family's house and had a casual time. Then, that night, I was looking at the shopping ads for Black Friday, and saying how I wanted to get this new camera that I saw and pick up d4's Christmas present. THis, got him ALL MAD. He was mad that I decided what to buy d4 without talking to him about it first, mad that I wanted a camera when we already had one, etc...Really, kinda over the top. So, I backed down and went to sleep. He stayed the night.
The next morning he was still mad. Starts yelling at me about how I don't include him in anything. He wants to shop with me for our kids Christmas presents (something he NEVER wanted to do before, and used to tell me it was "your thing" go out and get all our gifts). So, I'm mad and go into the kitchen to get some tea. He comes in there, gets an inch from my face and starts YELLING. I mean, he was SO angry, and SO mean. Honestly, I didn't hear what he was saying, because the whole time he was yelling, I thought, "You're making this really easy on me. I can leave, and have no regrets at all."
Once he calmed down, he asked me if I'd take the kids to his family for their TG dinner (they did TG on Fri so we could go to my family on Thurs). I did. He didn't go.
Then, he calls me Sat. and tells me that I have to mow the lawn. I tell him I will sometime when I don't have both kids with me. He tells me to quit making excuses. I said, "you know I can't mow the lawn with both kids in the house alone." He tells me that other people manage it, I should be able to think of something. He tells me it's still his house, he wants the lawn nice. I tell him he could come mow it then. He says, "you already say I don't do anything anyway." So, my mom comes over that night so I could mow. I've only mowed the lawn one other time, so it was kinda comical figuring out how to turn the damn thing on.

Then, Sunday morning he calls, and I was feeling sick. So, he said he'd come take the kids out to breakfast so I could sleep.
I got the kids ready and he took them out. It was really nice, because I was able to go back to bed. When he drops them off, I tell him thanks for taking them out. That was really nice. He leaves. Then he calls me about 5min later saying, "Quit treating me like a spermdonor! They're MY kids too. I can't BELIEVE you'd THANK me for taking them to breakfast! They're my CHILDREN for God's sake!" I told him I didn't mean anything by thanking him other than saying it was nice to get some sleep since I wasn't feeling good.

That night he calls me and tells me that he called in sick to work because he's so upset about the state of our marriage and doesn't feel like he can work well. He came over after the kids went to bed and tells me that he needs to know if I'm willing to follow his "conditions." I tell him that's not the way things work. We can reconcile our marriage by going to counseling together, and church together, but giving me "non-negotiable conditions" is NOT the way to do this.
He says he can't trust me, and that he needs me to do these things, so he can see that I'm serious. Well, you know what? We've both lost trust in each other. I don't trust that he'll change. I don't trust his angry, and his OCD house cleanliness issues. Our parenting syles are different, and he won't listen to me. So, I'm mad now. I tell him if he wants to reconcile, it's not going to be with his conditions. He says its his conditions or divorce. I told him it's not his conditions. So, he tells me (again) that he's filing for divorce, and do I want him to do it now, or wait until after the new year? I told him to do whatever.

So, yesterday, I'm at work. I work at a cancer treatment center. I meet with this very sweet 84 year old man. He starts telling me how he was married for 43 years, and how much he misses his wife. He told me they never had a single argument. Her dying words to him was, "I love you my honey-bun." So, I'm practically crying, thinking what the hell am I doing!! I take a break and call h. I tell him that I'm sorry, that I want to talk about things. Well, he tells me that I HAVE to agree on his conditions. And I have to PROMISE that I will follow his conditions...
so, I said, "OK". God. My dying words!!

I'm telling you, I'll work my ass of doing his conditions, but if he doesn't change, and start working on his anger, NO WAY in hell do I stick around. I'll KNOW that I did EVERYTHING I could to make it work.

So, if you've made it this far...
How do you agree, agree and validate, validate...when you really don't agree?
How do you bend over for someone, who won't do the same for you?

How do you not be a doormat through all this?