Long story short, my WAW left seeking divorce after 15yrs on Oct 19th and currently has no intention of coming back. She has been very clear to me that she will never return and can only remember bad things. We have 2 b's 14 & 9. The reason is not cheating, drugs, drinking but its years of little stuff that she doesnt want to deal with. She is simply fed up. Since then I have entered anger management, she says I have a temper and she is correct and I am working like crazy on it. I also go to marriage counseling alone every week, and read Micheles book and started a 180, but relapsed this past weekend and was pressuring her for a r. She is not willing to do anything at all including look at my changes. She doesnt want to talk to me, doesnt like it when I pick up the phone, and constantly speaks of things I did 14yrs ago, again, only arguments never anything physical, cheating, you get the idea. So, am I done? I cant win if she is not willing to forgive or forget about anything in the past. I am worried that she will wreck not just me, but is now hurting the kids to only find out that 10yrs later the issue may have been her not willing to forgive and forget. I cannot see how she could be happy with anyone that way, but I could be wrong. Any help would be great.
Your separation is pretty recent - 10/20. I was in your shoes about a month ago. Started DBin and things have improved.
After a HUGE argument, my wife filed for divorce on Halloween. Went dark and several days later we decided to put that on hold.
I have been DBing my as* off and have made progress.
* Went on a 5 day vacation with wife and kidlet over Thanksgiving weekend. * Wife went shopping for me last week. * Slept in same bed as wife on vacation - cuddling - no sex. * Started to talk about possibility of reconciliation, but that is a ways off.
We still may get divorced, but I never thought I would make this type of progress.
Here is what you need to do....
1. Let her anger subside. Give her a lot of space. 2. Let her initiate all contact. 3. Have patience - this is really hard. 4. NO physical contact 5. Go dark and see if she reaches out to you. 6. Write down a series of baby steps that you would like to take. This will show progress.
Dude I feel your pain in regards to past transgressions. I have come to see that those comments come and go. In the 8 years I have been with my W she has never forgotten anything. And now it is just magnified. We might have a fantastic conversation and at some point she will bring something up for 1/5/8 years ago as if it happened yesterday. And let me tell you, my W have some stuff that she can bring up.
For me, I have had to learn to affirm and agree with those things. I can not take them back, I can not stop the hurt that I have caused, and I certainly am not in a position to argue with her feelings. So when she tells me about something from 2001 I just agree, apologize, and affirm her feelings. I have gotten away from any kind of justification of my behavior or any promises. It doesn't do any good to promise when you have limited integrity you just need to do.
This forum is a great outlet, even just to vent. I have found that it has helped me journal what is going on so I can go back and look at the progression. When I was asked to leave the house in Mid-Oct I thought like you that everything was over. I was a physical and emotional wreck! I could not see life beyond my own pain.
Well, during that time, W wanted nothing to do with me. No amount of begging pleading, crying (heard that before?) was impacting that. Well then I started with the DB books and the coaching and I began to develop a strategy. But most importantly, I decided that I was going to be a different person all the way around. So call it a 180 or whatever, but for me, it was making a wholesale change of who I am and finding some truth in my own heart.
While my W is on the fence for sure, I have had moments of intimacy, moments of closeness, and moments of normalcy. However, I have also had many more moments of the worst on this crap. But, I believe in my love for her and for my boys and am willing to do anything to make this better for all of us.
Listen to these people and your coach. And by all means, keep a positive outlook. When you are in here be as negative as you want, but in real life fake positive if you have to!
Good luck
Me: 33 jacka** whom lied, stole, cheated, and basically treated DW like crap for years DW: 29 kind soul who gave too much to me over the relationship
S7 S4
M: 7yrs Bomb: 10/19 Seperated: 10/24
The worst reconciliation is better than the best divorce
Man this is hard as heck. I went to my mothers with her (she drove separately with the boys) for T-Day, everything was ok, no signs of r, but when I saw her this weekend for our b9 parade, I pressured her to the power of 10x. Now im in a pickle, and my new coach Chuck said go back to basics, dark, wait. The trigger point for me this weekend was she said as I thought things were good " I will not get together with you" and I panicked. He said thats a test, so we'll have to see. I send a apology and card, dumb thing, but will have to wait and see. Thanks guys, K
I have been told at least 100 times that she does not want to be with me ever. In fact about 10 minutes before we were intimate last week she told me that she would never be with me again in that way. Then after she said it would never happen again to which it did several hours later. Again she told me no more and the next day again!
I have been told so many times to stop thinking of us as a couple that I would be rich for a dime each time. But, then, there are the moments of action that tell me more. I may be reading too much into her actions, but they seem to tell me at the very least that she is curious if I can sustain these changes.
Don't give up. Stay with us and we will help you stay the course. I know it's hard, today I am havinga very hard day because after almost a week in my bed with my W I was asked ot go back to where I had been staying last night. That was very hard. But then this morning, she told me how she missed me at the house this morning. So it's a little bit of give and take.
I am not sure that I would reccommend going dark, but I am not sure about your whole sitch. I thought that I needed to LRT, but the more that I get into this I think that I need to work hard on some 180's.
I await all contact from her, and the rest of the rules, but I am not sure that going dark would help my sitch at all. I would suggest doing what Chuck tells you these folks seem to know their stuff.
On the board Dom R has been very helpful to me....
Me: 33 jacka** whom lied, stole, cheated, and basically treated DW like crap for years DW: 29 kind soul who gave too much to me over the relationship
S7 S4
M: 7yrs Bomb: 10/19 Seperated: 10/24
The worst reconciliation is better than the best divorce
Can I ask the following to my waw? "If your not willing to forgive me for my past, what makes you think anything will be different in the next relationship?"
No. You can't ask her that. It'll only make her mad. I know you want to get her to think about it. But, it won't work that way.
One helpful piece of advice that I got early on was do not believe ANYTHING WAS's are saying. Personally, my h has told me that he's filing for divorce several times. I've also heard him tell me that he doesn't care how i feel, it's over, he doesn't want to lead me on, and more, some very vile and mean comments.
These things are said because they are angry. You need to follow Chuck's advice and go dark. Your wife needs time to think, and you CANNOT be around for that.
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
I am so mad though that she is so selfish to leave with no room for resolution and its hurting the kids. They stay 85% with me, and dont want to be with her. Their mad and its hard to keep saying your mom is a good person. She is so defiant at the moment, well see, but I gotta say, this board is so important. I cant find hope form anyone else, they all say forget her its over, but here at least there is a bit of light.
If the WAW is not initiating contact to me directly but calls the kids, should I answer to say hello or is pursuing and too available if she knows Im already there? Just trying to break the ice.
Update. Please help me understand what this means. The WAW called out of the blue this am. She was very sad on the call and started by saying she felt bad about the situation. She said she felt bad about the way she was treating me, felt very sorry that I couldnt sleep at night and she couldnt either, respected the fact I have not called, and also that she knew I was working so hard to change. She also said she wants me to move on and I said I was and that she wasnt going anywhere as we would be friends for the kids. She said she was not going to stop the D and I said i understood and she felt terrible about everything. I said I felt terrible also because my counselor mentioned if she could not forgive me for my past the same would happen in her next relationship and she was quiet. She asked if she could come for Christmas for the kids sake, than again said she didnt want this call to make me feel like her decision was changing.
