Anyhow, when she wanted to go to bed I knew that I would be leaving, so I went up gave the boys kisses and went in to give her a hug. It was the first hug in days that was very sterile.
huh??
you "knew"? what does that mean?
Sounds to me like, "you decided to leave". you let down your family. you left them again.
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I don't want to give you the wrong idea speach as well as I don't want you to think that you are moving back in.
You HAD "moved back in". That is YOUR choice, not hers.
why did you leave? Just because she asked you to? She also asked you for a back rub.
I'd say that this was a test. it was a test to see if you have changed, and still run away, if she pushes you. you failed it.
go look for some extra credit
otherwise, you're on a fast track to divorce. she's looking to just push you out the door, quickly, with a "no contest divorce." you're just going along with it.
she asks you to move out. you move out. she asks you to get a no-contest quickie divorce. sounds like you'll do that too. to her at least. the "move out" thing from her, is probably also a testing of the waters to see if you will fight her over the divorce, or make it quick and easy.
that may not be true.. but why would you not do the one, yet do the other?
If you're not going to give her a quickie divorce, then you shouldnt move out of the house either.
Last edited by Dom R; 11/27/0702:30 PM.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
I knew that she would ask me to leave because she had mentioned it yesterday morning when I got out of the shower that I should stay at the other place until we have our MC appt.
I am not sure what to think about this quickie divorce, we both know that financially she can not deal with that in her life right now. I think that she knows that I would not cave in on some of the issues for that to happen. i.e. I have been absolute that she would need to get a job when that happens. She has told me that she does not want to get a job until we move back home. So I don't think that she would risk her stay at home life right now for a quickie.
Plus, I am not sure that she knows what she wants. Actions speak louder than words and there are many actions that lend to R. But there are words that don't.
She called me a bit ago and asked me what I was doing tonight. Told her I didn't know but I would have a long day at work with month end and all. She told me that she was hoping that I would come hang out with her and the kids...
Then she told me that she missed having me at the house this am to help with the boys.
I know that you think that this is a choice on my part to "move out" and walk away, but the biggest 180 that I can do at this time is to eliminate the anxiety in her life rather than add to it. And I think that I am doing a fine job of that.... now to transfer those positives into additional opportunities to show my commitment.
Me: 33 jacka** whom lied, stole, cheated, and basically treated DW like crap for years DW: 29 kind soul who gave too much to me over the relationship
S7 S4
M: 7yrs Bomb: 10/19 Seperated: 10/24
The worst reconciliation is better than the best divorce
Hound - Our stories are almost identical with the excpetion of the sex. My wife has also been hitting the wine hard which accounts for some of the big roller coaster dips. You are making SERIOUS progress, do not give up. You know that FLA thing was bullsh*t. She is just trying to get you to lose your cool.
My bet is that if you make no contact, she will call you within 24 hours. Give it a shot.
I think that she knows that I would not cave in on some of the issues for that to happen.
you dont konw that. she doesnt know that. what she knows, is that you are caving to anything she asks.
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She called me a bit ago and asked me what I was doing tonight. Told her I didn't know but I would have a long day at work with month end and all. She told me that she was hoping that I would come hang out with her and the kids...
Then she told me that she missed having me at the house this am to help with the boys.
that's really nice! i'm happy for you :-)
Quote:
I know that you think that this is a choice on my part to "move out" and walk away, but the biggest 180 that I can do at this time is to eliminate the anxiety in her life rather than add to it. And I think that I am doing a fine job of that.... now to transfer those positives into additional opportunities to show my commitment.
no, the "biggest 180 that you could do", would be to grow a beard, change your name, and move to alaska. "bigger" isnt always "better"!
Why do you possibly think that the only way for you to eliminate the anxiety in her life, is to move out???
I think you need to be more creative... no, make that more HELPFUL... in what you do for your wife.
you cant help her, if you are not there.
sounds like she's realising that. that's great!
I suggest that you work with that. maybe work out with her, ground rules for how you could stay in the house, and be helpful with the kids, etc, without "increasing her anxiety".
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
Well, I am thinking of how I can get back in, and when I have approached it with her the response has been an emphatic no that I have made my bed and I need to lie in it. So..... I need to think more creatively on this one.
I agree that I can not help if I am not there, which belies the problem, if I run when she needs me it is setting this situation up. Like this morning when she called to see if I could help with S7 I told her that I could not and I am sure that she was upset, which may have been why I got the "i missed having you here this morning."
What do you all think about this verbiage concerning the reason she is letting me be around more and cuddle etc is because we are so comfortable with one another and it is habit? Or what do you make of her asking me if we are still bestfriends and that we should behave like bestfriends. I know that is central to Michelle's work, but it sure seems confusing to me from time to time. I guess that is why we are suppose to ignore 50% of what is said and done.
Anyway, Dom, your post got me thinking about best 180's. I have to think that I am doing the best that I can, I am seeing some strides everyday with her and others in my life. I think you are correct in that I need to stand up a little more and be active in this sitch.
Hmmm... maybe I can schedule a phone convo with my DB coach this week. It has been a few weeks since we have spoken and sometimes bouncing ideas verbally is effective for me.
Thanks again.
Me: 33 jacka** whom lied, stole, cheated, and basically treated DW like crap for years DW: 29 kind soul who gave too much to me over the relationship
S7 S4
M: 7yrs Bomb: 10/19 Seperated: 10/24
The worst reconciliation is better than the best divorce
Well, I am thinking of how I can get back in, and when I have approached it with her the response has been an emphatic no that I have made my bed and I need to lie in it. So..... I need to think more creatively on this one.
to me, that means, "you moved out, now choke on it".
Quote:
Hmmm... maybe I can schedule a phone convo with my DB coach this week. It has been a few weeks since we have spoken and sometimes bouncing ideas verbally is effective for me.
sounds like an excellent idea
BTW: remember: the longer you stay out, the more difficult it is to come back.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
I am trying, I had 5 days back and she has brought it up several times that she does not want me to think that I am back in but I think I can bring it up at MC Thursday and see where we go. Next best bet is to be there every night helping and doing and make it seem like I am still there....
Me: 33 jacka** whom lied, stole, cheated, and basically treated DW like crap for years DW: 29 kind soul who gave too much to me over the relationship
S7 S4
M: 7yrs Bomb: 10/19 Seperated: 10/24
The worst reconciliation is better than the best divorce
I don't know if making to seem like your there is a good idea. She needs to miss you a little. She realized that she missed you when you weren't there to get the kids ready in the morning. Be there for her, but NOT every night. Get busy. GAL. Be unavailable for a night or two because you're going out with your friends (don't in anyway be vague like you'd be cheating). But, if she doesn't want you to think your back in, don't act like you are.
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
I change my mind about that everyday. Today I think that I am ready to give up now. Last night and this morning sucked! I know that she was communicating with OM and that this disturberd her so she said some things that were very hurtful to me.
In addition, I was suppose to go over there last night to "play house" and she was in such a bad mood that it just made the night suck so I wanted to go back to where I am staying with my boys and another pseudo-fight ensued.
This morning she told me how depressed she was about her life and all the pain that she is in from me, her parents, her life. She told me that she will never be able to let go of the pain that I caused and again that she is not in love with me.
I know that these are just words and they have been said before and that if I get back to DB'ing that we might open the door a little further but my stress level is maxxed out. We have our first MC tomorrow, which she wants to be DC and I have my DB coaching tomorrow night and I am really anxious about all of it.
The MC could probably go one of two ways, but reality tells me that it will go south in a hurry.
I miss my wife so much today!
Me: 33 jacka** whom lied, stole, cheated, and basically treated DW like crap for years DW: 29 kind soul who gave too much to me over the relationship
S7 S4
M: 7yrs Bomb: 10/19 Seperated: 10/24
The worst reconciliation is better than the best divorce
