bfz4ever

[ourcrisis]

LO, it is not too broken. He is still in the fog. He may think it is too broken to fix, but you do not have to think this way. You are the strong one. Don't give up!!! It is just a step back. It will move a step forward.

You cannot control what he thinks now. Only what you can do. Detach, detach. No talk of R, definitely no talk about OW (always cause a REACTION!!!!). Treat him like a great roommate, since he is in the guest room. Say hi, bye, how are you, just be in general friendly. But do your own thing, go out with friends, have activities with DD (without him unless he asks to go but also plan a couple "mother/daughter" things so you can decline). He wants to see how great a life (family or not) you are having. At some point, though, you may want to ask him to move out for a few days/weeks just to give you some space (do this when you are all "LOVELY OLIVE" so while he is gone, he will have the great memory wtih you brewing). Many of these H needs to hit bottom before they will truly commit. And part of it is moving out and see life w/o you. It is so hard, esp. if you have to kick him out. But may as well do it now than after you sell the house.

Meanwhile, take care of yourself, your DD, and your work. Just ignore him for a while if that's all you can do by not thinking about this. I am guessing in a few days, he will act better and you will. It's always a roller coaster. TAKE CARE. HUGS!!!!!

[lovelyolive]

oc - You're right, you're right. No more R talk at all. No comments.. nothing... And, definately no talk about that pathetic excuse of a woman. I just need to be in bed when he gets home tonight.

I have been doing a ton of fun stuff with our D. She is so great. We had great fun over the weekend. I am getting back in touch with my friends. I really need their support right now and am asking for it.

H will not move out. He won't do it. The house is going up for sale. That is going to happen without a doubt. If it sells fast then, he will move in w/ow or get an appt. Then, he will file. Maybe if it doesn't sell too quickly, I can get him to move out in a couple of months..

[lovelyolive]

H got home LATE last night. I was in my bed sleeping. He came in to kiss me goodnight and I didn't ask a thing about where he'd been. Had a date with the ho I'm sure so why ask. I don't know why but I kind of feel like the more time he spends with her, that it's eventually just going to blow up in his face.

Now that we have been talking about the big D, he seems to feel like he can "act up" again. In a way, his absence just makes it easier for me to GAL and go dark. Another change in his behavior in the past couple of days is that he does not bother to call to check in... I shouldn't call him or e-mail him either, right?? Do I need to totally back off and give him a ton of space?? More than I ever have before???

[Dr LOve]

Olive,

I would not e-mail or call unless it is for information you need.

Husband

[Heartbroken]

Why the need for him to come in and kiss you??? WTH??? How will he do this once you are D'd as he so desires???? At one point when my H was at the apt and we were truly doing the separation thing (he wanted it) he came into MY bedroom (at the house) after dropping our son off and I just lost it with him. In the coldest tone he has ever ever heard from me I asked what he was doing? Why was he in our room? He was shocked and just left. The next day I set some boundaries with him - he could no longer hug me or ask for hugs unless he wanted to reconcile b/c it just gave me false hopes and sucked me into the drama and I also asked him to NOT come into my bedroom anymore - it was my space... He was deeply saddened by these requests and it visibly upset him. I said you want her, your want my friendship, what the hell do you want???? He did now know... I think this was a turning point in his thoughts...

Your H keeps sucking you back into the drama - to detach you will need some real boundaries...

Contact him only if needed - he is playing the bacholor life already...set up times for him to have your daughter when you can go out - since this is how it will be if you D....he needs to start feeling what D REALLY means!!!

HB

[ourcrisis]

agreed with HB. He wants D, correct? Then move towards it, by separating. If he does not want you as a wife, why kiss you? Yes, set some boundaries, calmly, but not cold. I like what HB said that you need the space and it is not considerate to suck you back in the drama. He wants a D, so it is best that both act as if we are separating. It would be nice if he can respect your privacy by not coming into the room unannounced, no kissing, no hugging, basically act as friends. You two can divide up childcare issues (who has who what nights) so you can have free time to go out (and do go out, even just to the bookstore, or stay in your room to read a book/watch tv). I would not act cold or nasty, but calmly tell him this is what he wants and you are respecting his wishes (not in a blaming way). Your h does not know what D really means and what leaving you really means because he has not thought about it. When my H moved out and i found out he was with OW, I sent him a letter telling himI want no contact with him until he can figure this stuff out. (He asked me to call him a lot when he told me he was living ALONE!!). Not when he is with OW!!! I handed him the kids on weekends and said bye, without saying anything. no chit chat.
I know this will be very tough for you. So sorry that you have to go through this. Take care.

[fightingirish]

lo

OMG.. yes detach honey.. my god girl his is really trying to play on your emotions.. how dare he come in to kiss you.. YUK... after even thinking he was with the ow... that's nasty and you deserve much much better than this.. you shouldn't have to play second fiddle to anyone!!! hb is totally right.. no more email or calls you need to go dark.

(((hugs))

tal

[lovelyolive]

Trying to go dark. Not very good at it. H is being a cold, demanding pain in my a$$. I haven't had to worry about kisses anyway since Monday night. He barely acknowledges my existance when he's actually at home. Hey.. isn't that supposed to be how I'm acting??

Here's a weird thing: A week or so before telling me he wanted a D, H was picking up the contact with me. TM'ing ILY, very huggy, etc. Then, it's like turned on me all of sudden. Said he wanted a D and is being horribly cold.

I really am tired of being treated like second-class. My fuse seems to be very short lately... Trying to keep that in check better. I feel like I've reverted to my pre-DB days at times. What is wrong with me???
Been busy at work which is good. During the day, H has been calling and e-mailing about nothing much at all. Sometimes I respond/ sometimes not.

[JoieDeVivre]

What is wrong with you? I think you hit the head on the nail yourself, you're tired of being treated like second class. Even those of us with an amazing amount of patience run out at times. I was angry at my H about something he did last night (involving OW), and I let him know it. My attitude was DB be damned!

Make it a good day!

[Heartbroken]

LO,

He is pushing your buttons to force you to make the decision to file - it's like they need us to agree that D is the only answer. You need to detach and not let him get to you as hard as that may be...he wants out he should be the one to end it!

Have a great Thursday!!!

HB