She's demonized me in her effort to justify both her affair and ending our marriage and in so doing ceases to see me for who I am. All she sees is some evil, dark motive where there isn't one. And she reacts to what she sees without getting clarification from me.
This is so true for me.
This morning I called and spoke to W's father. He is 77, on his second marriage. His wife (my W's mom) had an affair when my W was just 6 years old. (My youngest is nearly 6 now). This led eventually to the divorce of my W's parents.
My FIL apparently believes all the stuff my W is telling him about me. She has changed the locks on the house and I am sure she is telling him, "I had to change the locks, he is so crazy angry all the time."
At least that is what it seems like, because my FIL just finished a 20-minute lecture to me about this.
I have previously spoken to my IC about this; am I angry? Do I have anger management and control issues? I wanted an honest answer. I really do want to save my marriage. I'm not in self-preservation mode here. I'm not self justifying, at least I don't think so. I've already been humbled by the whole affair thing, my wife and my best friend. Come on. Don't you think that's enough to rock my world, have me take a hard look at myself?
Of course, looking at it from her side, she could say the same thing.
This is when I really start to question myself.
The real me says BALONEY. I don't throw things in the house, I don't yell constantly, in fact I yell less than she does. The unconfident, self-doubting me says, "is she right?"
NO NO NO.
I'm not the one who had the affair. I'm not the one who lied repeatedly. Darn right I'm angry. I'm angry because my wife and partner left me for a drunk. I'm angry because the life I imagined with my kids is bring ripped from my grasp. I'm angry because she has stepped back from all responsibility.
She actually told me "You have all these books on how to recover your marriage, and none of them apply to us! you know why? Because you're angry and you've abused me for 20 years."
She told me "The only way for this marriage to survive is if you change. I don't need to change!" she says to me, "only you!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't deny I need to change, but this is a two way street!
The affair was my fault? Her lying was my doing? Her continued refusal to stop talking to the OM? Her refusal to go to MC?
need.... to......calm.....down........
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
