Maybe not too complicated to understand

[Michael Mc C]

Thank you all for your comments. I have to say that I have not given up my desire to remain married to her, assuming the "her" can meet my needs in a relationship. Right now this woman does not come close to being what I want as a partner for life. She feels she has grown and I have not. To hear her say those words is just mind-blowing.

So we had our talk. There is still a lot that needs to be said but I had to get some of these words out early on today. Since I work from home, I took a half hour break and we sat and discussed things (not verbatim...):

Me: I will not interfere with you going to see this guy. You already feel controlled by me so anything that appears to be interference on my part will destroy anything remaining here.

She: Nods as I'm saying the above

Me: I understand that you feel you need to do this.

She: Thank you.

Me: I don't think I should be expected to bankroll this trip. I will not make a big deal out of this but you need to understand what you are asking me to do.

She: Right... I understand.

*NOTE* I should NOT have said I wouldn't make a big deal out of this. I should have expressed my feelings and let her figure something out. Damn, lesson learned. I need to stop giving her an out.

Me: Our budget is already pretty tight. The amount of money this trip is going to cost is going to eat into our budget for Christmas presents. I don't care about presents for me, I don't care about presents for you, but as this is our last Christmas as a whole family, I will not let the kids be impacted.

She: What expenses are you talking about? There's gas for the drive down and the drive back.

Me: There's gas and there are tolls. You figure filling the van 3 times will be somewhere between $180 and $200. Tolls, rounded up, will be about $50. That's $250 taken away from our budget.


*NOTE* We have made this trip dozens of times on the way to my father's house. I did not put any time into investigating what it would cost.

She: Well you know if it becomes a choice between me and the kids I'm going to do what needs to be done for them. I'll see if I can defray the cost of the trip, otherwise it will have to wait.

Me: Have him pay half?

She: Yes.

Me: Okay, but that's still $125 out of our Christmas budget for this unplanned trip.

She: Okay

Me: There are other things we need to discuss regarding long-term plans. We can't get into them now really but there are certain financial responsibilities that you will need to take on yourself.

She: What do you mean?

Me: There are things you can't expect I'm going to continue paying for.

She: no words but she got the "now you're being a spiteful S.O.B." look. Seen it before.

Me: None of what I'm saying is spiteful or a way to punish you. I'm not making decisions here, I'm telling you we need to discuss these things. We also need to start looking into what it's going to take to pay for the divorce you want.

She: Right, okay.

A couple of moments later, she said she was glad we had this talk. I am too, but as we walk away from the table, what disturbs me the most is the upbeat attitude she has while all I can envision is the damage that lies in her wake.

HOWEVER - my job is now to minimize that damage. I do not mean that I will protect her honor or make excuses for her. When the kids are hurting, I will comfort them as best I can.

Okay, there is more that I need to post but it's going to have to wait. The past few posts have been about me more than anything else. The next will be more about what's happening at home.