NikkiB #22 (almost separated)

[NikB]

ST and Jak - hi! Thanks for checking in.

Sorry I haven't updated in awhile! Had a busy weekend with my visit to my Aunt and then catching up on everything else. Too much GAL'ing I guess.

Sunday I went to the Trans Siberian Orchestra with my mom - a relatively new holiday tradition of ours (think this is our 3rd year). It was an incredible show, as always. Loved it!!

Other than that... sitch wise, I guess I haven't had a whole lot to say. I am kinda mad at myself for not moving into my room yet, but I am kind of feeling the need to just "be still and watch" for awhile again. I keep starting to move, but it's just SO hard to do when I'm seeing signs that things are improving. H is home every night or telling me exactly where he is/what he's doing, no texting at all in a few weeks, we've even gone out to dinner a couple times and it was nice. We hug and kiss bye before work in the AM and hi when we get home... we snuggle in bed.. things like that. Heck the other day he even mentioned putting up the Christmas tree together. And yet I KNOW they are basically "scraps" - the connection isn't there, the commitment isn't there - it's not enough for a true R. As I mentioned to someone in an email, the scraps aren't enough, but they are SOMETHING. Half of me feels like I'm just not ready for the big shake up right now... the other half thinks that I need to just get it over with rather than waiting for H to drop another bomb. I think I should have done it before the Thanksgiving... now it kinda feels like "just hold on through the holidays." So for now.. just holding on again, but I recognize it's my choice and I'm not letting myself get caught up in the rollercoaster again.

At the concert I remembered a conversation I had with my Mom last year. We were talking about how much H would enjoy the show and I said "Well at least by this time next year things will either be over or a helluva lot better." Here we are a year later and things are eerily the same. Though I am much stronger and feel much more ready to face the future, so that's the good side of it.

In non-H related areas, everything is going really well. The group of ladies I've been getting together with has gradually expanded and now there are about 8 of us that plan to get together once a week. Makes me happy, as it's one more night a week I will FOR SURE have a GAL commitment!

There is also a new meetup group that started and I recognize a lot of the members. I'm very excited because it's a "Saturday night club" (it's just called "Sacramento Saturdays" but they plan to basically visit the fun night club type places). I really miss going out dancing and such but haven't found many other people who are into that, so I'm looking forward to joining this group! Most of the other meetups tend to be mid-week too, so I'm very happy to find a weekend one. Their first one is this weekend - I'm torn between that and a Christmas fair / tree lighting thing. Always nice to have options.

The weekend after that is the Northern CA DB meet that I'm organizing in Sonoma - very excited for that!!

I'm guessing the rest of the month will be a mad rush to get ready for Christmas . I have just BARELY even started shopping, eek!