WAW says "I'm filing for D", but no papers

[SirPrizeMe]

I felt so good last night (Monday) that I called the house to talk to the kids at bedtime. You know, since I moved out nearly 3 months ago, I haven't been calling them every day. I only spoke to the kids when I saw them, which was once or twice a week.

She had been asking for space, and I was thinking, me calling every day isn't going to be much "space".

Also I was thinking, me not calling every day would give W a look at what things would really be like if we were to split. I love my kids dearly but thinking about it, I don't think I would be hanging around the house, calling them every day, if we were to divorce.

I'd find another adult relationship, I'd find another woman to be close with, and I'd make a new family. Maybe not have new babies, but probably "new kids" (new to me, anyway), new place, new rituals, new rhythm, new life, and none of it would revolve around the "old" family. So I was thinking, not calling - well that would be the reality, wouldn't it?

But it's not really what I want. I don't really want to move into a new family. I love being in a family, but y'know, I already have one. Yep, it's slightly broken, but I want it to work, and I'm willing to work to fix it. I was trying to imagine what it would be like to "adopt" myself into another woman's family, and it would be strange. Darn it, I have a family, why not adopt myself back into it?

I tried to take an honest look at myself on this not calling the kids thing. and I don't think I refused to call my kids out of spite for my wife, or even hurt. I don't think so. Yes I was hurt by her continuing to talk to the OM, continuing to openly admit it to me ferpeetsake, but even so, I don't think I was trying to "get back at her". I just want her to see what things would really be. I was trying to inject a little dose of reality.

So anyway, regardless of whether I was operating from a place of hurt or a place of honesty, after all that, I decided I don't like the idea of not calling and talking to my kids. I miss my kids. I miss my family, and I'm gonna call 'em if I want to.

This has a side benefit of me talking to my wife if she answers the phone.

I feel like she still has her finger on the big red button with a sign on it that says "launch nuclear weapon", but whatever, I know what I want and I'm not quitting just because she makes threats.

Believe none of what you hear and half of what you see, SPM!