Truly Piecing once and for all!

[imLIN]

Hi there...I hope this is the post you wanted me to check in on...

I can relate to this very much...my H didn't believe my changes were for real...I did prove him wrong...while I wasn't always perfect I certainly worked and continue to work on being the best person I can...I thank him often, ask for his patience, and apologize when he points out something to me...

As for he sex...boy how I can relate...H has been home for roughly a year and half...it was only this last March that he could finally say he loved me again...I initiated everything in the beginning...felt like you did...but just kept at it...like you I felt that if I did it would help our overall connection...

I think it is finally working...he does initiate at times...he has some "performace issues" so I have to be extra understanding...just don't pressure...if he seems "agreeable" then go with it...if he seems like it is too much at the moment then back off...

I hope this helps...Lin

[illuminata]

I, too, can sympathize with the ML issue. I feel that I initiate more now, but he did initiate the first two times that we ML'd after the "crisis." Now, I initiate or I give hints, and he is agreeable. I have considered holding back to see if he will initiate again without prompting (although, to be clear, he does not need a lot of prompting:), but it does not seem worth it to step back from the intimacy strides we are making.

My advice would be to continue, especially if your sexual connection was good before. The physical intimacy is connected to the emotional intimacy, and I think that maintaining those connections is key. Perhaps sex initiation is like the "ILY" in the piecing process, a late entry after the small positives of the early piecing process (more experienced DBers could speak to this point).

In any case, sex is good for PMA. I make an effort to be sexy and appealing, and it is not just for sex and not just for H, but it also makes me feel tremendous.

[Heartbroken]

Lin,

Thanks for the reply - I get better each week. Did not have any tearful conversations at all with H so far this week... I find myself over analyzing what he does or does not due and I at least recognize this pattern and it needs to stop! So I am aware and trying!

Illum,

Thank-you - I will continue to just go for it when in the mood!! Which wasn't always there before our crisis but it much more so now b/c once you lose something you realize how important it was and now I feel this is my second chance and do not want to lose it again!!

Have a great weekend!!

HB

[limbo]

HB

Where are you? I hope all is well with you! Hope to talk with you soon!

[Heartbroken]

Hello Limbo!

See the post I just left you! You are such a good person that even in your own stresses you still worry about others.

Last week was not that great - I pressed (yes, I know very anti-DB) H to admit he is still leaning towards a divorce. I could just tell with every dialogue session he hints that he cannot get over his fears, his guilt, doesn't trust my changes...it's like he is trying to convince me we should be apart. I ask him why he thinks the pain will stop with me gone? Does he not realize the pain everytime we exchange those kids???? We talked about him moving down to the guest room after my parents left (they came for the TG weekend) and I talked about not finding a house until the spring....very sad emotional conversation. Then it ended up that night we just layed together and fell asleep we went to the Packers/Lions game with our 10 yr old (his 1st NFL game) and had a good time. That night he said we should still keep trying. WTH???? Why is he so wishy washy or is it me just refusing to let go and then he backs down???? I am really just so so tired. I realized I need help in how to DB once again - I need to start GAL'ing and doing things for me, to stop pursuing and being so clingy...

I feel I am a very low point once again - so emotionally drained that I fear my family and close GF's will think I am crazy for hanging in there once again...

Positive from last night after we dialogued H said he is really going to try and stay in the present moment from day to day - maybe this will help with his negative attitudes...

So overall I am better today - but like you I am so tired of each new turn on this rollercoaster ride....

Happy Tuesday!

HB

[limbo]

(((HB)))

We do truly seem to be kindred spirits!!!!

My H has big guilt issues to, and I think this has caused him to want to leave, and then come back, because he says he feels like he doesn't deserve to be with us, or have a second chance.
Its hard to live with this though, and I totally understand your being tired!
I think we should all get together on an island somewhere for a break!!!

But take care, and continue with the retro stuff, it does help!

[Concerned_Listener]

HB,
You're the moth that had to touch the flame of knowing where your H stands regarding D, and you burned your wing. You're allowed to make mistakes, as long as you change some patterns to minimize this mistake again.

It doesn't matter where your H stands anyway. Things can change in a matter of weeks and months. He's probably confused and couldn't articulate what his thoughts and feelings are.

Piecing is definitely a job that has the potential for burn-out. The LBS is forced to learn to have a more balanced life, in order to have the energy to work on the M. During this time of change, we wonder if the shoe is going to drop, or what direction the M is going.

What do you do that you enjoy? Are you spending time in recreation and leisure, or need to increase acitivity in those areas?

Piecing is partly a practice of putting our energy into connecting when we need to, performing our responsibilities as a spouse, taking time for self-care and balance, and accepting what is beyond our influence. It's a constant practice.

CL

[ourcrisis]

HB, don't be despair. It is always a roller coaster, two steps forward, one step back. good thing now both of you got the emotions out, and he said he wants to keep trying. that's great. and now both of you will will have enough energy to work at it again. I find myself having to blow up every so often to let the steam out. not good for db and i am trying to control it. but after the blow up , i do feel better and have more energy to db again and be nice to h.

Both person needs to see changes in each other long enough to be convinced that the changes are real. It may be he is just having one of those "moments", like we all do. He may be feeling insecure/guilty that he has messed up too much. or may be it is one of those "special day" from ow time. it can be many things. Let it slide if you can.

Piecing is so tough. everyone says it and now we both understand. the uncertainty. In the A, we only have one goal, to get the H back. Now in piecing, it is so much more uncertainty. Take care of yourself.

[ourcrisis]

HB, how's everything?

[limbo]

Hey HB

Just checking in, hope all is well!