If I understand things correctly, Sandi2 has physical issues with fibromyalgia. Then what I see is that Sandi2 has numerous activities including job, and by the end of the day, is physically exhusted. This HARMS her relationship with her husband. I see this all the time with LD's (including my own wife), they try to fill their lives with everything and anything (except sex and physical touch stuff). The busyness of LD women is what KEEPS them LD. They are focusing on all the WRONG stuff in terms of their marriage.
Sandi2, how much time do you spend EACH day focused SOLEY on your husbands physical needs. THAT is what is important.
they have bigger issues than "his physical needs" right now. and besides which, lack of sex isnt a major problem from his perspective; it's sandi who has the "physical needs".
except not any more.
sandi, please reply to my earlier post? i know you're tired. but please dont let your tired feelings, make your decisions for you?
Last edited by Dom R; 11/27/0704:36 PM.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
The reason I was wanting to be able to work is b/c the depression lightens when I can stay busy. Just like exercise is good for depressed people. It is a form of therapy.
As far as what happen between me and my H, We were not that affectionate. I would give him a kiss (peck on the lips) goodbye and sometimes goodnight and that was all. A time or two I tried to sit next to him on the couch. But, I couldn't seem to bring myself to cuddle or any of that other stuff. I may have led you to believe things were better than what they were...physically. I'm sorry if I did that. We were getting along better.....and still are, in fact. We don't fuss and act like we are in a bad mood all the time, etc. But as far as the physical, well as little as it was, I think I stopped and he never started. If I don't offer to do the kissing....it just don't happen. He never makes a move toward me.
I'm sorry, but I'm not at a good place with him lately. I don't know if things will ever be like they used to be when we were younger. Don't feel like getting off into all of it right now. I just don't seem to have the loving feelings I should have toward him. Some of the things he does is driving me crazy. It is just the wear and tear of putting up with it every day and knowing it isn't going to stop b/c he is not going to change. I want him to get up and go to work in the mornings like most men do instead of laying around the house until almost noon and then go to work.....(he is self employed). He needs all the work he can get right now to pay bills and Christmas coming up. He puts off doing the taxes and anything that has to do with paper work....or anything period. He never saves receits for the taxes to count off for his self-employed job or keeps any books. He won't let me throw anything away and he keeps everything....except what he should (like receipts). He has nothing to show! He brings home junk and piles in the back yard until I am so embarrased for people to know where I live.....these are just a few of the things that work on my nerves. I have talked to him about it, but it does no good at all.
I am suppose to see my doctor this week and I am going to tell him that the Zoloft is not helping at all....in fact, I think I may be a little worse.
I'm sorry DomR, I'm just too down to try to deal with it right now. Maybe another day, I can be more positive. Thanks for caring.
P.S. I don't know if I answered you question or not Dom, you may have to ask me again. I can't seem to get it together the past couple of weeks.
Last edited by sandi2; 11/27/0705:47 PM.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I'm so sorry that you have been feeling so down. I haven't posted much (i'm new), but I've been doing a lot of reading. I've read a lot of what you've posted because I feel like I can relate to a lot of your story.
You have always been so supportive of people, but not affraid to give your honest opinion. You are awesome. I know you don't feel that way right now and I hope the Dr. can get you on something that's better for you. I'm praying for you and your H/M/R. (((((hugs)))))
ann
If i can't fall in love... I'd like to fall in chocolate! ~ Author Unknown
Oh Ann, what a sweet thing to say! That is about the greatest thing anyone could say to me. There have been times I felt like I was too rough on some people, but if I can help anyone I want to. If I can stop young couple from ending up in the shape my H and I are in, I want to do that also. I wish there were more people that had been married for a long time to talk with. I can't get my H to go to a MC and I don't know anyone off line to talk with that has been married as long as I have and having problems. I think by the time most couples have been married this long, they just keep silent. Some days, like today, I almost feel as though I am living a lie b/c people think we are this great couple, but we aren't. Oh, we don't fight, etc., but still we go to church and put on our "happy faces" and everyone thinks we are just lovely. The sad thing is, I know if I could just be happy, it would thrill my H to death! It would make him the happiest man on earth if I could just show him physical love (sex)and be happy. But, I can't seem to do that.....and it makes me feel very guilty. It eats me up b/c he is a good guy, but he also drives me nuts...as you probably read in my previous post to DomR. I can't seem to feel any attraction toward him and can't make myself start love making with him. Everytime I think about it, it just does something to me.
Anyway, tell me something about yourself. How old are you and what is your stitch? I appreciate you being so kind to me....it really did help my feelings more than you know. Come back and talk more with me.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I went back and read every post on this last thread I started. I think I know what it was you had asked me now. It was what happened to change within the past couple of weeks. I don't know how to answer that. Nothing especially. It goes back to that "sandpaper rub" everyday that I mentioned earlier on in my postings. I think I am just so depressed and discouraged right now that I can't deal or don't want to......either way. I don't want to argue about it or debate it. I'm weary of it all. I'm afraid DomR.......afraid that I'm getting back into that state that I was in before. I don't feel like trying anymore. When there is no desire to "try" it all seems so hopeless. I have prayed every day for God to give me the desire for my H and the desire to work on my M and to fill my H's love tank and talk his love language.......all of it.....any of it. But, nothing.....zip, zero! The interest or desire....whatever you want to call it would give me some energy to put some action behind it, but without any of that......I don't want to even try.
I have tried to help some others by posting to them on their threads. Want to know how I can think of ways for the wife to make things "spicy" in the MR with her husband? B/c I've done it! I can think of all kinds of ways to have fun with a man and expecially sexually. However, maybe I shouldn't even do that. If I can't help myself, how can I help anybody else.
You know what hurts? True, I was the one that had the EA, but I was also the one that came here for help. I bought dozens of books to read and tapes to listen to, and have been here every night reading and posting. It wasn't my H doing any of that. So many of you who have the WAS are here trying to DB and work at the M but I am the WAW and I'm the one here......not my H. He isn't trying to do anything to improve the R.
Some have said it is my place to make the move on him b/c of my "rejection" of him and he is hurt and rather watch TV every night rather that risk being rejected again. Does anyone believe that if they were about to lose their spouse that they would try just a little bit to work at holding on to them? Isn't this what this board is all about? And yet....it is me, Sandi, the WAW that is here...not him. Am I not worth just a little bit of effort to keep? Is our M not even worth putting aside his pride to go to a counselor for help?
Cemar says I don't "get it". I don't understand the physical needs of a man. My emotional needs and some of my physical have never been met during the entire 42 years of marriage and I do believe that I did meet his physical and even his emotional needs more than a few times. So, I'm resentful and I'm sad and probably angry b/c I would like to see him show something that resembled some action on his part.
When our children were growing up, I longed to see him be the leader and the head of our home, but I always felt like I was running the ship mostly by myself. Over the years, I lost some respect for him. It took a long time to get some of it back. And, as I've told in past posts, I felt I always took the back seat to his Mother, but whenever I expressed my feelings to him.....he never told me I was not correct or I was wrong or crazy for feeling the way I did. He never said anything. When we tried to "talk" after the OM situation, I brought up about my resentment toward my second place in his life all those years......he never said he was sorry or nothing. But, he was angry that I did not run to him to say I was sorry about the OM.
The only thing..........I mean the only thing that I can try to make nay postive sense out of any of this is maybe he calls himself still giving me space and time to get over the OM. I don't know. The reason I don't think so, is b/c it is just so much like he is all the time!
I don't know how to talk to him about it. I don't want to talk about the OM to him b/c we agreed that we did not have to ever bring him up again. I don't think the OM was "the" problem.....I think he was just a side effect of the real problem. The real problem, I think, is that there has never been real intimacy in our MR. I have never felt the intimacy that I needed and therefore my emotional needs were not met. As a result, I got to the place I could not meet his needs and then he got where he just withdrew more and more.......and so did I until we ended up here in this place that we are now.
And the timing.........our timing has been off since the day we got married! So sad.
Well, thanks for letting me do more journaling than anything else. I don't know anymore to say without repeating myself.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, I am sorry you have gone so long without having your needs met. I think the OM woke you up to the pain you have been feeling inside, as you had a chance to delight in some very repressed feelings. Your H remains stuck out of fear. He doesn't seem to know how to respond to you, so he shuts down. Underneath he is brewing with all sorts of thoughts, emotions and feelings. Fear is his enemy, but don't allow it to be yours. What are you willing to do to jostle the situation? Are you willing to insist on MC? Are you willing to separate? If not, you are going to have to work on the journey to acceptance. You might consider taking some time away to really work on you. In the book, "Eat, Pray, Love" the author, newly divorced and in pain, takes a year of her life as a "time-out and searches for pleasure, spirituality and balance. It may be that you have suffered enough and it's time for a change.
The real problem, I think, is that there has never been real intimacy in our MR.
I think this sums up the whole problem right there. I think what might help is if you could define for us what intimacy in marriage means for you. Then when you are completely done with that, could you please try to define intimacy in marriage from your husbands point of view.
