Maybe not too complicated to understand

[Michael Mc C]

Okay, here's a long one. It's not about giving up but instead about coming to my senses. This is based on some realizations I've had over the past few days. I need to work on me more to allow me to handle this.

I have done some real thinking these past few days (hours really) and have decided it's time for me to "man-up". I need to realize that I've done just about everything I can to save my marriage on my own. I'm not afraid to face our problems and do what it takes to fix them. I'm not afraid of going to see a counsellor to learn what it is we've been doing wrong. We were kids when we got together and didn't know any better. I've recommended, and requested, counselling in the past and at first it was "we're doing great, we really don't need to see anyone" and now it's "I'm far beyond that".

I don't believe that a couple should stay together for the kids but I believe that a couple with issues, regardless of how large (except where abuse is involved) is obligated to take every step conceivable to keep the family whole. I know that marital counselling is not a magic bullet and that there are some relationships that cannot, and should not, continue. Without trying, how do you ever know? I'm proud of what I've done for me, my wife and for our kids. I hold my head high knowing that as a single entity struggling to keep this together, I have exhausted just about all options. The amount of research, reading and the help I have sought these past few months far outweighs the "bury your head in the sand" approach she has taken through countless hours of gaming, MySpace questionnaires and solitaire.

The sheer logistics and lack of reason in a relationship between the two of them is astounding. They both agree that long-distance relationships don't work for long, they both have children and family concerns that could very well keep them from moving from their current locations, they both have fallen in love in-game and through phone conversations. The list goes on, some more important than others (age difference, current living arrangements, employment opportunities, financial responsibilities, etc.)

They find comfort, solace and attraction in each other. They have the romantic, in-love spark that occurs at the start of any hot new relationship. Without ever having met, they profess their love for each other and are willing to chance everything.

The amount she is willing to risk on this is also astounding. She is contemplating permanently leaving her childrens' home, needing to find a job to support herself (regardless of where she lives) and trying to juggle school with all other responsibilities. She is risking so much of what is truly meaningful to her and what she has worked so hard for. What she has found in him, at the moment, is more meaningful than anything else. She is determined to pursue that and adamantly denies that it could ever be rediscoverd here.

I am aware that even if things don't emerge as a long-term relationship between the two of them, she feels so damaged and unfulfilled by our marriage that she will seek, and she will find, a relationship somewhere else that is workable. As independent as she claims to be, she does not want to be alone. She will eventually find what she is looking for but she will not look here.

No amount of logic can talk someone out of an emotional/biological, feeling or decision. I have learned from my counsellor how these things work and the reasons why these things happen. Nothing I've written here is an emotional response to the situation.

The below, however, has some dealings with my emotional side:

She is telling everyone (except her very close "opinionated" friends) how happy she is. She is feeding off of the emotional high she gets from her excitement as well as the responses she is getting from others. They tell her they are happy for her - they tell me they don't know what she could possibly be thinking. Those who would share their opinions with her need not, and have not, been involved in her life to any great magnitude since this all began.

I am going to tell her, some time soon, that I support her decision to go to him. That will be the hardest thing in the world for me to do but I need to let go. She already feels controlled by me and anything further I say or do that even remotely appears to be interference will only add more damage to what little remains of our relationship.

We exchanged harsh words on Friday that were a complete emotional response. I felt betrayed again, I was deeply disappointed and I felt used. I was utterly blind-sided by what I heard and saw that night. It was as if all of September and October were compressed into a single instance and unleashed on me. I wish I had a better grip on myself when she asked me not to give up on her the night before. It felt so good to hear though.