Well time for an update... I could use some advice, feedback, whatever... Things have been interesting lately...
I've been reading Codependent No More and it's been a real eye opener for me. I never considered myself a codependent, I'm not attracted to addicts or needy people and I don't fit the profile of a giving everything people pleaser. But as I read through the descriptions in the book I see a lot of myself. I do give a lot of myself and sacrifice myself for my relationships. I tend to mold myself to my partner, rather than hold on to who I am. I am very reactive and my satisfaction tends to depend on others. I am easily hurt and tend to always see the worst intentions in what may be a harmless comment, and I deal with that by withdrawing and making the other person come to me to prove they care.
In short it's kind of opened my eyes to the bigger picture of my issues and what I need to do. I look at this whole period of the past few months and I see the pattern. W completely controls me, not intentionally, but rather I allow her actions to control me. When we do something together and have a good time, I feel hopeful and happy and determined to work things out. When we argue or she seems to not want me around, I feel hurt and resentful and like I should just give up. That's not a good thing.
Further, I realize throughout most of our M, including the recent few months, I haven't really had the slightest idea of what I want. I fill the roll of housekeeper and parent and husband so she can do what she wants, not taking enough time for myself and maintaining my own life. It's a self destructive process that I think is responsible for our current situation.
After reading this book I'm starting to feel like I have a lot of work to do before I can be in a healthy relationship. As much as it pains me to say it, I see that the advice here is pretty much spot on. I need to focus on myself and my own growth and stop trying to control the outcome of our M. I keep flopping back and forth from thinking that and then wanting W and trying to do things to get her back. That instability is hurting my own grown and is not being true to myself. As many posts here say, I have to realize that I can't control her, I can't control the outcome of this situation and I need to accept that and focus on myself for a bit. It's a hard thing to do though and I'm not entirely sure how to proceed. I can't shake the fear that if I do this she'll just think I'm giving up and withdrawing. I accept on an intellectual level that what she thinks isn't something I can control and no matter what I need to do what is best for me, but emotionally it's harder to accept.
I've also come to the realization that I don't have the slightest idea what it is I really want. I'm all over the place and it's making this so hard. Some days I want her, some days I feel resentful and like giving up. I guess the big dilemma I have is that I feel a marriage is a commitment, a promise to work through the hard times and support each other to grow as individuals. I really want someone who believes in that commitment, who can support me and accept me and believe in me. Yet during all of this, W has given up. She stopped believing in me and hasn't been there when I most need her. Is that something I can accept? I don't have the slightest idea what the answer to that question is.
Anyone have any thoughts on this? How do you resolve the fact that your spouse gave up and has demonstrated they aren't commited to your M? I believe in the commitment I made but I also wander if I'd be happier with someone who shares the same level of commitment I want to make. I don't know what to make of this. I think I have a lot of healing and work to do before I can really answer this question. Right now I'm still too dependent, too attached and too hurt to be able to honestly answer this I think. But I'm curious to hear what others think about this.
