My old thread hasn't locked but I wanted to start fresh and start a new one.
I got back from my parents last night. On the way back, I stopped at the viewing for my BIL's father. I'm glad I went - it was the right thing to do....but awkward. My SIL didn't know how to introduce me to people and I didn't know how to put her at ease. It will work itself out in time..... All of them couldn't believe that we came - they were very appreciative.
When we got back last night, the girls wanted to put up the tree. It was a struggle but D13 and I got the tree upstairs and somewhat straight.
Going through the ornaments was mostly good. We set aside some for H that are his...but the girls made comments like "we don't understand why we have to give these away". We had some teary moments. There is one ornament with a picture of H's grandmother (deceased) which made me cry. I put it in H's pile and the girls were VERY upset. So today, we will be making some ornaments with the grandmother's picture in it for our tree, and giving H his original ornament. There is also an ornament that has flowers from my bridal bouquet in it. D13 insisted that it be put front and center on the tree. So there it is....front and center.
Later, D13 put up the stockings and did not put up H's. She told me that she didn't know what to do with it. We came up with a solution that she was happy with.
But we did get into a long discussion (past midnight).... She said:
She feels that H is missing a large part of her life
She wants to be able to see him everyday
She asked me why he left
She thinks that the only person that is doing okay with H leaving is D11....and she included H in this
She thinks that he will come back
I asked her why she felt that H would come home and asked her if she meant that she hoped H would come home. She said no - it was just a feeling. I did tell her that she shouldn't get her hopes up. I also told her that I don't know why he is gone. I asked what I could do to make this easier - I told her that I couldn't change the circumstances, but if there was something I could do to help her deal with everything...I would. She just wants her life back to normal. Gotta agree with her on that one....
It was a very teary conversation....as hard as I try not to cry - it is hard. She is so sad.
So I finally get her to bed....and the house alarm goes off. She is up again and worried that someone is trying to break in. I find the book and figure out the problem (actually, I don't...but I figured out that it was some trouble button which isn't a problem - it is separate from the alarm).
What a night....
I have a lot of catching up to do on threads and hopefully I will be able to later tonight....
I asked her why she felt that H would come home and asked her if she meant that she hoped H would come home. She said no - it was just a feeling. I did tell her that she shouldn't get her hopes up. I also told her that I don't know why he is gone. I asked what I could do to make this easier - I told her that I couldn't change the circumstances, but if there was something I could do to help her deal with everything...I would. She just wants her life back to normal. Gotta agree with her on that one....
I hear you. I had to move out to take a new job, but my D and S tell me that we will all be living together when our house sells. I asked D why and she said it was a feeling.
hi w8ing- It is so hard for kids to go through this. My D believes that my H will figure things out too. My D has always been very intuitive but I hope this isn't just wishful thinking on her part...for both of sakes.
Putting up the tree must have been emotional. I know it will be for me. We have a tradition of picking out a new ornament every year. I will have to sort through all of that and I know it will be hard. I only have the kids one weekend before Christmas...my D, who has been so sweet, wants to pack all of our holiday traditions into that weekend...I will look forward to that.
It was nice that your SIL included you in the services for her FIL. She still considers you family and that is good.
You sound like you are back to your strong self now. What's going on with the settlement offer?
doa and UD - I have not done a thing with the settlement offer. I'm not sure that I want to continue with the attorney that I met with or change. That is my goal this week - to figure out the attorney situation.
I have done a lot of thinking about the settlement offer and the more I think about it, the more unacceptable it is. But I am no longer spinning over it. It really is more like determination on my part.
I find that I spin for about a day when I get bad news and then I get down to business. Now if I could just spin for about an hour and then get down to business, I would be making progress....
D is better today. I think she just holds it all in until she can't anymore and then it comes rushing out. Next month, with the holidays, should be a rollercoaster of emotions for her.
Yesterday when we were diving up the ornaments, the girls were mumbling about having to give some away. I told them that we weren't giving them away - they were going to Dad. They said he probably won't even get a tree. Even my happy-go-lucky D11 was saying this and grumbling about the ornaments. And both have been complaining a little more about going there. It is sad because I just see their relationship with their dad not going in a good direction.....
Now if I could just spin for about an hour and then get down to business, I would be making progress....
You are making progress. Don't doubt yourself. You getting better all the time and you have come a long way from where you were 5 months ago.
I hope you are wrong about your D's relationship with their father. Your girls are at a time in their lives when they really need they dad...it is too bad he can't see that...yet!...there is always hope.
I am just the opposite with my kids since I had to leave for a job (the plan was that they would all follow when the house sold). I can't understand how W can't see the impact this will have on the kids. SHe always used to tell me that I need to understand that there are a number of ways to define a family.
Okay....I'm going to get very defensive right now.
BND - I have worked my *ss off to NOT involve my children. I have made decisions that are not good for me personally, but are in my children's best interest.
I am giving back to my H what is rightfully his. Ornaments are a big thing in his family - it is his family tradition that we have carried on in ours. What message do I send to my kids if I keep ones that they know mean something to him?
Should I have done this in front of the children? I don't know. I intentially hid ornaments that were wedding related in hopes that they wouldn't notice. They did and were upset that I was keeping them from them.
I know that this is my divorce - I am painfully aware of that. But please know that I have not involved my children. I have gone to great lengths to keep them out of this and will continue to do so. My goal is to make sure that they are not stereotypical children of divorce. I will make mistakes in my decision making - I know this. But there hasn't been a negative word that has come out of my mouth about my H. I don't confide in friends because I am concerned that it will get back to my girls.
I recognize that you said that I may not be doing this and you are just cautioning me about doing it. It is important for me to make sure that it is understood that my children are priority and I will do whatever it takes to make sure that they remain happy and healthy.
They mean the world to me and I don't want them hurt from all of this.
I wrote this at work today, before I wrote the post above...
I remember when I was first married. I got pregnant immediately and was scared to tell H about the pregnancy because we agreed we would wait for about a year. When I did tell him, he was so excited - it was not the reaction that I was expecting. Unfortunately, I had a miscarriage - we were both devastated.
I found out that I was pregnant with D13 about 3 months later. She "stuck".
A friend of mine told me that she was watching H at the school play when D13 was on stage. She said that my in-laws were grinning from ear to ear. H was sitting there looking unhappy - didn't crack a smile. I thought that she was just exaggerating about him because she is angry at what he has done. But, I watched the video last night for the first time. I took the video and because of where I was standing, I have some of the first two rows in the picture. My friend was right. He looked to the left most of the time (not at the stage) and appeared bored and unhappy. How can you react this way when your child is performing?
How can you want to have children and then walk away from them? My kids are A students, involved in different activities, and are respectful and kind-hearted. They are not difficult children by any means. How do you not want to be involved in their lives anymore? How can you not want to hear about what goes on school, or in their activities, or just want to be with them?
I walked into his office this morning to talk to him about a medical thing for D13. He didn't have an opinion - he acted like he didn't care. So I will make the decision. It appears that I am now, truly, a single parent - doing this on my own. He will be the relative that they see every other weekend, absolving himself of all responsibility and accountability for them.
We had problems in our marriage and, while I don't agree with how he is handling it, at least you could make an argument (albeit a weak one) that there was a reason for him to leave. But leaving your kids...how do you do that? But it doesn't appear to bother him. He is free now - not only free of me, but free of them as well.
Believe it or not, I am not having a bad day. It's just that -when I went to H about this medical decision that needs to be made, it really hit me that I am not co-parenting as I thought that I would with him. I am a single parent, totally responsible for them.
