Hi Sara, Thanks for the encouragement. I last wrote right before our post session dealing with conflict. You were right on the money; it was just what we needed to learn. Though we have not started a conflict resolution about our sex life, we will soon.
I was having some really crazy, vulnerable feelings coming from frustrating situations. Things are better. We actually had sex, and it was great (for me at least). The amazing thing is that we continue to have lots of deep discussions about this past year, the affair and his journey through finding out what matters to him most.
I would add that I am careful to talk with him about my pain in a hopeful way. He has made the hard trek home and I have to tell him how much he has hurt me. But I assure him that I will heal. This makes our life hopeful.
For example, we were arguing on the way to our post session (marriage therapy). We drove right past the OWs neighborhood; the very place he went to be with her. I was overcome with hot rage. I wanted to stop the car and jump out and run away. I stayed, we went to the session and ended up having a good night. Later, we dialogued about what I felt when we drove past her house. He said he felt ashamed, sad and regretful. I told him how mad I had been, but that I am healing. We talk, I know he hears my plight, then I let it go.
We are also talking about how to redeem the holiday season ahead. Last year was awful. So this year I am taking pains to plan really fun stuff.
I mentioned that I would like to get new wedding rings and get remarried. He said that he wanted to wear the old one because of all the history and memories it holds.
He is still not saying ILY. I am not either. But our friendship is great and our home is harmonious. It is only a matter of time, I hope, before true romance blooms.
Is my story ready to go to the success stories page? I certainly feel like a winner. The Girl
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 11 yrs (7th year was HELL) 3 daughters Survived Affair, 6 month separation Rebuilt marriage Currently stuck
Hey CAT03, I love your attitude. You are sassy. I am absolutely dying to know HOW you got pics of the naked OW? And who were you going to show them to in order to blackmail her? Is the OW a celebrity or something? LOL!
Sometimes I fantasize about revenge, but it never makes me feel as good as I think it will. The one time I got revenge when I discovered some lying, when I called the OW and screamed at her and then told her all my Hs dirty laundry, it totally reopened the affair between them. I nearly lost my marriage for that stupid half and hour of revenge. They had nearly ended it and were not speaking, just a couple of dumb texts, but after my outburst they had plenty to talk about, and an excuse to do it. Sure enough, they talked it out, then started reviving their romance. My H started to file, but then stopped, claiming that he felt incredibly sick inside.
So, here is my advice: REALIZE THAT YOUR ACT OF REVENGE WILL BRING YOUR SPOUSE AND THE OTHER PERSON TOGETHER, AGAINST YOU!
I wish I would have known that! The Girl
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 11 yrs (7th year was HELL) 3 daughters Survived Affair, 6 month separation Rebuilt marriage Currently stuck
I broke into my H's email (he was beyond livid and furious when he found out, almost had a vein burst, not kidding) and downloaded them. At the time it was over and I was keeping them in case she wouldn't leave my H alone. But decided to delete them, there is bible text that says "vengance is mine says the the Lord" and I wont' stoop that low. I was going to email them to her coworkers or print them and post them all over her complex, jeez!! I'm sassy alright Lmao!!
hope things are good with you, my waves are "crashing down" right now, meaning, I'm sort of doing an emotional cleansing and it feeling a bit down, but it will be alright. That's the nature of the beast! some days are good, some days you need a pound of chocolate! :P
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I am proud of you for ditching the photos. On my worst days I would like to take photos of me and my H in bed together, then send the photos to the ow. Or a nice family christmas card, with a group photo of us all happy and together.
I have been in a real ditch with angry, unforgiving thoughts about the ow. All I can say is that I crave feeling resentment. How awful. The weird part is that my H is being so sweet, kind and loving. Best of all....
HE HAS BEEN SAYING I LOVE YOU!!
Whoo, Hoo!
So why am I fixating on what a loser she is, and how disgusting his behavior was last year? I keep telling my H that it is running its course, soon to be purged. I seem to be right on the one year grief schedule my therapist told me I would experience. I am coming up on the year anniversary of when the bomb ILYBNILWY was dropped. Then a month after that, the surreal day I found out about the affair ( I called his boss!). So I am actively trying to do symbolic things to heal my heart and mind.
One is that I am planning fantastic, fun holidays.
Two is pure genius: I found out that the ows apartment was right next door to an athletic club. Every time I drive past that stupid neighborhood I feel nauseated. So, I signed up for a ten day trial membership at the athletic club. I cant afford a full membership, but I think this will give me just enough time to establish really positive memories and demystify the whole neighborhood. When I go to the club I park right in front of where she lived. I am also planning on getting a slice of pizza at the place they often did. Maybe I will put my kids in the stroller and have a lovely day on the pier nearby. My plan is to totally normalize the area.
One bit of suspense remains: The OW no longer lives in the neighborhood, but she still works out at the athletic club. There is a chance I may run into her there. If I do, I hope to God that I can say the perfect thing.
Praise God for His miracle of restoration in my marriage! Bless you all and happy Thanksgiving! The Girl
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 11 yrs (7th year was HELL) 3 daughters Survived Affair, 6 month separation Rebuilt marriage Currently stuck
Great ideas for finding things YOU can do to deal with your issues. I hope your strategy for exorcising the OW from these places works--I find that I get hit with negative feelings when I'm in places associated with OW (thankfully it's far from home), and this last week I was able to create some new memories with H in some of the places...feels much better.
Hi all, Mixed results with the health club idea. Good: the area has been demystified and I no longer dread driving past. Bad: When I am there I almost obsessively dwell on the OW.
I think I have come to the conclusion that I will not have real closure with her until I can meet with her face to face. I already asked her to meet with me several months ago, and she said she would when she was ready (poor thing must have such a sensitive heart), but has ignored me. Which has infuriated me further. There is nothing more humiliating than being ignored and treated like a non person.
I am tempted to look her up and confront her. BUT I am stopped by the thought of my actions reopening a door for her and my H.
Still working on it. The Girl
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 11 yrs (7th year was HELL) 3 daughters Survived Affair, 6 month separation Rebuilt marriage Currently stuck
Don't act on compulsive thoughts. They will not lead you where you want to go. The thing to do is to take the importance away from her. You must not dwell on her. You must think positive thoughts. I know this is hard. I struggled with it myself. But the notebooks helped me. During the day when he was at work, I read the notebooks over and over. I checked where he used the word love. I checked every one of his answers against mine. Then I made the house look nice, and I dressed sexy, and I bought a nice dinner and prepared it. I focused all day on feeling loving thoughts about him. It is your relationship that matters. The other will fade out of your mind over time. It took me close to a year. We both agreed just this weekend that it would be best to forget the past year. And just pull together in the future. IT is baby steps. Step after step, they lead to happiness.
oh please dont, do NOT meet her, it will make things 100 times more, you might hear what you are not ready to hear, she might say things just to hurt you, you will obsess and go crazy later as you disect everything that was said, you will compare yourself in every way. Nothing good will come off it, i'm absolutly sure of it, I thank heavens ow didn't answer my call the only time I called her (to tell her the truth, the day i found out he was having contact w/her. Otherwise I'm sure she would've said things that would've been imprinted on my mind for ages to come.
You will find closure when you decide to truly forgive your H and accept that the ow was a sympton to a bigger sickness, your H's inability to cope, a weakness of will on his part. Each time ow thoughts come, remind yourself who your H's is with now, and if your thoughts are bringing you closer to him and healing your M.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I agree with Sara and Cat...Closure is not to be found in a confrontation with OW (can you really expect clarity/honesty/remorse from someone who obviously has some major character flaws?).
As much as you might dream about it, any contact with her will likely not contribute to moving forward in your R, and can potentially damage your current progress. I can't say I've ever closely watched any of the daytime talk shows...but do the knock-down-drag-outs between wives and other women EVER make the people involved look poised, mature and healthy?
