Well, I woke up to the email that he's leaving. Again. How many is that now over the past 2 years? No idea.
He said he'd be leaving after his birthday at the end of December. I said no, if you're going, you go tonight. He said no and I said I'd be home after work and I wanted him gone. Haven't checked the closets, but it doesn't look like he's gone.
What to do? What to do? He has to work on himself. He seems more bipolar daily.
The kids are fed up. I'm tired. I was fine until I walked into work and they looked at me and knew something was wrong and I almost lost it. I know I'll be fine. Will he? What will become of him? If he leaves he has no one. His own family doesn't have anything to do with him and they don't deal with problems well.
S23 says it's a carrot H likes to hold in front of me to control me. Is he right? I don't know. I think H honestly believes he wants out. He does not believe there is any getting past it all.
I told him last night that people aren't disposable, especially your family and he said yes they are. Things happen, you leave those people behind and move on.
So, tonight should be a real winner. Not! I'm dreading it something awful. I don't have a lot of cooking to do, but I will find something to do to stay out of his way. What a way to live, huh?
"Tell me what you plan to do with your one wild and precious life." Mary Oliver
Sun, I read your posting and I feel that you are living the life I had exactly 8 years ago. My xh use to dangle that "I'm leaving card all of the time". In fact, he pulled it on December 2, 1999, telling me that he had thought about leaving at this time, but opted to wait until after Christmas. I thought about his idle threat for 24 hours and came home from work and laid it out to him. This is exactly what I told him, "h, if you are so damn unhappy, I don't think you should wait until after Christmas, I think you should go now". With that, the man sat there and cried his eyes out telling me he didn't know what to do. I looked at him and said, "h, if I were in your shoes, I would be happier than a clam and running to pack my bags, since my spouse had given me all of the blessings to go." He stayed in the home exactly one week and disappeared while I was at work. In essence, I did help him out the door, but his conscience did a good job on him as well. I have to say, for my self, it was the best damn decision I have ever made. He drove me freaking nuts for 7 months living in the home dangling that threat every time something didn't go his way.
Your son is right, it is a control tool he's using and the sooner he finds out that you aren't buying into that game, the sooner he'll learn that you've grown by leaps and bounds. He really needs to leave before the end of December. What's he doing, waiting around for his gifts from the family?
Sun, I do hope that you have a blessed, safe and happy Thanksgiving with your family. I know your h is being very difficult, but I can assure you of this, the moment he leaves, the burden of his crazy making behavior will be lifted. You just don't have any idea just how much stress you are under. I will keep your and your family in my thoughts and prayers.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks so much for stopping by. I saw that your dad is sick and you've all been in my thoughts and prayers also.
I too think it is a control device. What I do also think is that he really does want to leave somewhere inside him. What I don't get is that the two times he's left I had to throw him out (he bragged to everyone he'd left). I told him to leave last night. I don't get that part.
He has not come home. He should have been here an hour ago. He has no money, nowhere to go, so I don't know what he's doing. I just wish he'd get help. I hate that I have a soft side for how screwed up he is. I feel strong. I was strong in front of him and on the phone this morning when I told him he was not staying until after his birthday. Where I fell apart was talking to S23.
I don't know what to expect. Well, lies and promises he's just not able to keep. He's probably out drinking right now. My bf told me this morning maybe he'll get a DUI. I'm always so worried someone else will get hurt. That would kill me.
Have a wonderful holiday yourself. I hope your dad is doing better each day.
Hugs, Sun
"Tell me what you plan to do with your one wild and precious life." Mary Oliver
Sun, Goodness. I am so sorry to read this. I truly don't understand, so I'm sure you don't either. You sound very strong and determined and I think that is wonderful. Good for you. Please don't worry too much about him; he's a grown man. He has to own his choices. I hope you do have a nice Thanksgiving despite this. Want some cookies? I made a huge batch for my H who isn't coming this weekend. love Hope
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Sun, I think he does and does not want to leave. What I do think is that you need him to go. He has got to sort himself out, and you, my dear,like me, are an enabler.
Be pleasant and firm. Tell him it is better for you and the family if he goes now. You will feel bleak for a bit, and THEN you will start to feel better. If necessary go somewhere else for a few days while he finds a place, but personally I would agree a date. You are not quitting your marriage, you are doing this to try and save it.
I don't say this lightly, but I have been concerned about your sitch for a long time. Time for a 180. Dear sweet Sun becomes firm, learns Pole dancing, tango, has fun
Thanks for dropping by. H showed up about 9 p.m. He'd been drinking. He said this was his home and that he paid the f'ing bills around here.
He wanted to know what time we were going to my parent's today.
Who knows what's next. When he came in I asked why he was here. I know he needs to straighten himself out, but I don't know how to force him out. I've done that twice. I think he enjoys threatening me.
Pole dancing, tango, belly dancing, something . . . I need a change.
Hugs, Sun
"Tell me what you plan to do with your one wild and precious life." Mary Oliver
Sun, I wanted to check on you and make sure you are okay.
I have to agree w/Breton on how to react to his constant threats. The only way to diffuse this little ticking bomb is to acknowledge his comments in a very calm manner. If he is going to leave, he will.
Sometimes I sit back and wonder if the reason they are constantly threatening to leave is for us to get disgusted enough to show them the door. They don't have enough courage to do it on their own, so they continue to push and push until we say go. I know that in my case, that's why my ex did, but like I said before, the weight of the stress and the unexpected was lifted from my shoulders the day he walked out. He was so unpredictable w/his anger and mood swings. I'm sure you are facing the same thing, just as everyone here has witnessed.
How is work going? How are you doing? How's the foot doing? When will the cast come off?
Sun, we are all very concerned about you and your situation. We are all hoping that he will find a way to diffuse his anger w/o harming you in any way. I wish that there was a way to go inside his head and figure out what is driving his train right now. He's been at this little replay antic for a while and it's time for him to step it up a notch and do something different.
I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Well, we went to my and his family Thanksgiving dinners and survived. As soon as it was all over he headed home and into the beer. He began to retreat and wouldn't go shopping with the kids and I or anything. He disappeared for a few hours one day this weekend. I caught him on the computer looking at porn. He closed it and assumed he'd gotten off, but last night I told him I didn't want him looking at that on our computer, he needed to do it, do it somewhere else. He of course got pissed and started in on me and how I didn't attract him.
I heard all about how I'd never taken care of myself, how he felt nothing for me, etc. It was all the same stuff I heard back in July. A weird thing. He has started going back to years and years ago and saying that is when I let myself go and he tried to talk to me and nothing happened. He has made this all up. The time he is talking about is when I was pregnant with D18 and just before. We were trying to get pregnant and things were great, other than that.
I don't know why he has chosen this period of time. I'm baffled.
He of course talked about how he is dead inside, cares for no one, can't stand the sight of me. He criticized me in every way possible. He even went into how I'm not working full time. It's not enough I go to school and work part time. I'm supposed to get more days after the first of the year.
Last night was awful. The kids were here with their bf/gf. After H fell asleep the kids and I all watched a funny movie. I finally was able to sleep.
He says I would take anything from him just to keep him here. I don't know why he says that because I've been the one to get him to leave both times he has. I told him last night he needs to go figure himself out, that I can't live with an alcoholic. I told him the things he says and does around the kids friends are completely inappropriate.
I know he hates me. I have never seen such loathing in anyone's face for me before. I am the enemy. He's in God's hands. He's so lost.
My foot is bad, but I only wear the cast now when it is horrible. The cortizone shots don't help. The inserts I got for my shoes, and the sock I wear at night don't either.
D18 and her bf just left headed back to school. She didn't want to go last night so they stayed. I'll miss her.
I don't know what's next. This has gone on for so long. I figure H has been in replay for 2 years next month. He doesn't understand that if I cry it's not because I want him to stay, it's because I'm hurt. He thinks if he's nice to me at all that I think everything is fine. He said so. I'm not so slow. I knew a few weeks ago when he said we'd saved our M that this would very likely happen again. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt though.
"Tell me what you plan to do with your one wild and precious life." Mary Oliver
Sun, Good for you that you told him you can't live with him like this. I think that needed to be said. He hates himself, Sun, you know that is what it is. He is projecting all that onto you. I am so sorry about how the weekend went; you deserve better than that. He probably needs to leave. I hate to say it, but it is not going to get better the way it is. I am keeping you in my prayers; keep posting.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
