Don't know what I'm doing anymore - Help.

[ann25]

Background. Me 25. H 26. D 3 1/2. D 1 1/2. Married 5 yrs. Together 10 yrs. H said he wanted a divorce 5/07. EA (online by me) 6/07-9/07. H got jealous of a Friend of mine just after marriage, but it was nothing and I stopped talking to him. He thinks it was EA. It was not.

We started dating in HS. worked together, lived together after graduation. We were both each others firsts for almost all the big things in life. We moved from my home town 3 months before M and lived with his dad for 6 months. Moved in w/ friends for 6 months. Bought a home and have lived there since. Miscarried in 03. 1st D born in 04.

Our life has always been a bumpy road, but up until I got Pregnant with our 2nd D, there were always more good times than bad. We've always had a sitch where I handle the household chores (cooking cleaning laundry). I never really minded. After having the first baby, it got harder and we had some fights about how he didn't help me with anything, but so long as the house was clean and dinner was cooked, he was happy, or seemed it anyways.

About half way through the Pregnancy (w/ D2) H started withdrawing from me and just being less friendly. I figured it was stress from having another baby and his job. I would ask him about it and he'd just tell me there is a lot going on. He stopped telling me things. He stopped asking how my day at work was. Nothing big, just little things. I didn't give the little things the credit they deserve thought because as one by one the little things we shared disappeared, so did our R.

After she was born, It got even worse. What had been at least a friendship turned into anger and yelling and resentment. He rarely talked to me and when he did, it was cause I did something wrong. Didn't much matter what, but i couldn't do anything right. (still can't) I would cry and tell him he hurt my feelings, but I never really made him see how I felt. He knew exactly what to say to get me. he'd comment on what I was eating cause he knows that I'm sensitive about my weight or he'd make a comment about me not watching the girls well enough cause he knows that being a good mom is my #1 concern. I would stop talking to him for fear of what he would say. He thought I was having an A w/ a guy at my work. I was not, but there was no convincing him of this. I deleted my myspace account because I had this guy on there as a friend (along with 10 others from my work). I stopped talking to him at work unless unavoidable and lost a good friend, but I didn't want my H to worry.

Somewhere between when my D2 was 3-6 months, i realized that i just wasn't in love with my H anymore. I think it slowly happened. I realized i didn't even like him anymore. I couldn't tell him. I kinda hid my head in the sand. I kept thinking that if I could just do more for him or make him feel more secure, that it would all go back to how it was.

Earlier this year, we were fighting and my feelings came out. In reading some posts, I know that the ILYBINILWY gets used for lots of different reasons, but I just wanted him to know. i wasn't running away or leaving, i just wanted it all to go back to the way it was. We talked a lot over a few weeks about what we wanted and what we were going to do. We both acknowleged that we were unhappy. I told him that I wanted to work on our marriage, but I was scared and hurting and needed my old H back. He asked if i was 100% sure we could fix this and make it work. I should have said yes, but I didn't. At the time, I couldn't. I was so confused and scared that I told him I'd try as hard as I could, but I couldn't promise I'd fall back in love with him. In April he told me if I wasn't 100% sure, that he wanted a divorce. At first, i was devistated. Then I accepted it. I just figured he probably wanted out too and this was an easy way.

The Divorce talks slowed. We never got into details and nothing ever happened. He was sleeping in his office most nights (home office). We would occassionally have sex. It was a needs being met thing, not an emotional thing. I just kinda assumed we'd deal with it eventually. Things got a little calmer, i think because neither one of us cared. He claimed to still be in love with me and not want to lose me, but he couldn't handle anything less than me being 100% sure and I wasn't. I'm still not.

For the last 2 years, i've had a penpal in the Army, stationed in iraq. I send care packages once a month and a letter. In June of this year, my current soldier went home and they gave me a new one. Due to his position, he was able to talk online and we began exchangin emails and talking. He told me about his kids and life at home and I told him about my family. Over about a month, we were much closer than we ever should have been. I was hiding him from my husband cause I knew i was wrong, but he was so sweet and nice and he loved me. Yeah sure. Slowly, he bacame obsessed with me and I palyed along with him because it made me feel better. To have someone want me and say nice things about me. In the end of Aug. my husband said he wanted to try to make me fall in love with him again. I said ok. He did try and though I could tell it was forced, it was nice to hear. I was trying to find a way to end things with the OM, but he was obsessed and seemed kinda unstable. I was worried, so I didn't. 1st part of Sept, my husband found my emails. We sat together in front of the computer and read some emails, looked at pictures (bad pics) and sat in silence. He said that I needed to make a choice. That was easy. I wanted my M. I deleted the account, I changed my cell # and got rid of everything he had sent me (cards/letters). We made an appt with a MC and we both started trying.

Marriage counseling was a bust. He wouldn't say how he was feeling about the EA and all we ever talked about is how unhappy i had been. I'd ask him to talk, but then we'd sit there and he'd say he understands why i did it and we are moving on. We went until about 3 weeks ago.

He can't understand how I can not think about OM. I don't. I never really loved him, i loved the attention. OM helped me not breakdown when I felt like my H didn't want me. It was easier to go to him than face my life. It was an escape. H doesn't understand why I can get over it. I tell him because i have to. I can't dwell on it. I messed up. No matter what he did i shouldn't have gone there and I did. My mistake. I've forgiven myself for it. The only time I think about it is when H brings it up.

My other problem, My attraction to my husband has gone from being attracted, to not being attracted, to "yuck, don't touch me" over the last year. It pretty much coincides with the being in love thing, but I can't tell him. I make up excuses as to why i don't want to have sex. I don't feel well, the pregnancy has killed my sex drive (which has always been pretty high) or something else. I feel bad saying that, but I can't tell him that I'm not attracted to him. It would break his heart. I've done enough of that.

There is probably more, but I feel like I've been writing forever - any advice, help, guidance - thank you.