All hope is lost/help

[Evie]

H is has got the hint. I made a comment about him stalking me in passing on Friday and since the calls on Friday night, I haven't received one call! Bit sad about it, because I guess the separation truely starts from here. I still want to remain friends with him and enjoy talking with him but at the same time I also want him back. I hope your right when you say this won't push him away. I think it will, because he will shrug his shoulders, accept it and start to move away even more. I still want to remain connected. How can you do that and detach? I guess you can't?

H replied to an email that I sent him this morning regarding his forwarding address. When I got back later, he had emailed a whole list of things he obviously wanted to talk to me about amongst it some of the words that have stuck out were that he won't hassle me at all this week and it's obvious I don't want him in the house for too long. I didn't invite him for sunday lunch today, I have to say it was enjoyable with just the kids, D1 cooked and it was a cosy affair and even the boys were good company.

Could someone tell me if this is all positive? Am I doing ok?

All this is a 180 for me.

XD

[Evie]

ps Do I reply to his email or call him or ignore it? Is he looking for a reaction? Is he beginning to see the cost of his freedom? I feel a total cad right now.
xd

[cat03]

hmmmm, tough call, on one hand you do want to be independent, on another, giving a man the signals that he is unwanted/not needed can push him away. Don't read too much into everything he does/doesnt' do, I know it's hard, but take everything at face value. If a friend would email you would u email back? yes, well, do, be polite, he's already cut down the amount of times he calls, so, if you want to keep at least one line of communication open, there is nothing wrong with answering his emails.

Do what feels right to you, be true to yourself, stop looking for ways he could be waiting for you react and for ways to get a reaction out of him. Stand still, use this separation wisely.

[Evie]

I was about to text him, when he called me. We had had a freak downfall of snow last night and he just about got back to his house, H called to say he would get up early and try to get over in time to take the boys to school. Good conversation, made arrangements for this coming week for the boys. H is picking me up on Wed to go Xmas shopping - looking forward to that.

Lets see what today brings.

XD

[Evie]

Yesterday H called me twice at work. One call I answered and we had a comfortable chat about the boys misbehaving with me at the weekend and also about his forthcoming holiday arrangements.

I saw my good friend last night. She told me she had spoken to H at the weekend. She said he was struggling with his 'rabbit Hutch' (small new home) & he was hoping that the property abroad sells quickly. He is also struggling with not seeing the boys so often. My friend said to him that it was never going to be easy.

XD

[Evie]

H isn't contacting me at all now. He called me last night right after I had texted him to tell him that S2 was sent home from nursery. Chat was formal and ok, he finished it first.

We are xmas shopping together tonight, it seems surreal. This will be the first time we have spent time together for more than 1/2 - 1 hr since we split.

Feeling a bit sad the last couple of days, not really sure why.

My rambling thoughts are:

I was thinking about how the household has not really changed since H left, not in terms of tidiness (although it is), but more in terms of how 'busy' the house is. Its always noisy, the boys although typical boys seem to be hyper and fight a lot. They provoke one another, normal I know. Music from every room, tv's on in the remainder, phone ringing with business calls. I feel as if I need a parenting skills class to learn how to control everyone and keep the peace....I 'm finding it really stressful. H has not supported me on this ever because he wasn't there because of work and when he was there he never interacted with us as a family.

H used to complain that there was no space, (emotional space becuase the house is large enough). I'm tired in the evening as is everyone, but when i go to friends houses in comparision their homes are quiet, tranquil and tidy.....a place to come home to in the evening and relax.

D1 leaves next week for 6 months abroad. I have a busy December decoarting the bedrooms. Once the 3 children have their own spaces to go to i'm hoping this will make things a lot calmer?

[Evie]

Had a really good shopping trip with H. Got what we needed to get and conversation was mainly about work and D1's trip abroad.

H dropped me off and came in for coffee and to look at all the presents that we hd bought, H asked what the plans were for xmas?. I asked him what did he want to do?. He said he would like to be there early for when the boys woke up, would I mind if he helped put the boys to bed and stay over ? I said I didn't mind at all that it would be lovely and would we do our usual rountine of a takeaway away meal and wrapping the boys presnts? He said yes he would love to do that it would be great and could he cook breakfast for everyone on xmas day? I said again that would be lovely and we were going over to my moms in the afternoon to eat. He wasn't happy with that, one reason is that my mom and brother both smoke and they will smoke in front of the kids and he didn't want them subjected to the smoke. I said I had compromised on xmas this year, the kids wanted to go and by going to my moms I controlled the time of the visit and I would be home early in the evening. I asked him what he planned to do and he said he may see his dad. (I don't know whether he thought I would be cooking as usual, but he did say he didn't want to be here when my Mom came round- my mom isn't speaking to H)

H said the evening had been great and he had enjoyed it. It was probably not good DB but I texted him a txt from the heart and said I had enjoyed the evening, he was a fab dad and it would mean the world to the boys to have him stay for xmas. I didn't get a text back, but i'm not worried that I didn't, I felt my text was the right thing to do at the time.

I'm really pleased today. I will take it for what it was and not read/analsye or have high hopes from it. I hope that he saw me all pink and fluffy and light. I looked good too.

XD

[Evie]

Haven't posted for a few days, been reading a lot though.

As usual with a high, you soon come back down, although I always have happy face on when H is around.

D1 leaves on Thursday for France for 6 months, so alot of emotional goodbyes over the past weekend, it will be an emotional week.

H looks tired and has a cold sore (due to stress), i'm not hearing quite so much from him but he is still very much involved, I try not to be around to much when I know he's coming to the house. It seems as if H is throwing himself into work more and more. I guess I understand this if he has nothing to do in his free time, but to my understanding the amount of time he spent at work was one of the reasons for the breakdown.

I am rereading DR and trying to come up with some goals, but when I read some of the other posts I realised that i am lucky in the respect that my H will stay longer in the house when he visits, he will look me in the eye, he does contact me daily (not to talk about the way i feel but to make arrangements for the boys/business etc). I have tried to detach as much as possible (180 as i have realised I always tried to 'fix' h). H seems sad. D1 leaves on Thursday & I invited H to come for tea on Wednesday, he said he would love too, then he emailed back and said he would like to take us all out for a last family meal the night before she goes.

Can anybody tell me how this reads or have any ideas on anything else I can do because I am still confused by his behaviour.

XD

[cat03]

it reads as if he wants to have a last family meal before she leaves, period. Not everything he does will have a deeper meaning behind it, chances are, as you said, all he's focusing on now is work since that's what men do when lonely or depressed, busy themselves silly.

He's been gone a few weeks, not enough time to expect much, he's getting used to his new sitch. In time he might open up a bit more, in time.

Keep GAL and detaching and working on yourself.

[azhira]

disa,

(I can't write 'dis' anymore...in my American slang, it's similar to an insult... )

These guys usually take a lot of time on their own to get 'settled' in. In my experience, a couple of months at least. Expect him to get quieter again for awhile...he'll poke his head back out eventually.