Jak and Matilda, My W wrote me an email talking about our recent conflicts and problems. It was helpful for me to read to understand what she's struggling with. It had a harsh tone to it. She doesn't seem to trust that that I care about her concerns. At least it allows us to discuss difficult topics. In person, she gets too emotional and it turns into complaining and blaming.
During some conflict yesterday, she told me that I "muddle thru life." I was insulted by this and told her so. She did say that she was sorry in an email, but qualified that I get what I give. I'll have to expect that all I can do for now is tell her when I've been insulted, but not expect an apology.
The other recent conflict happened weeks ago, when we walked out without paying for an item, and set-off the alarm. My W was furious, and blamed me for it. She won't let it go, saying that I haven't adequately apologized. My feeling is that it was an accident, and doesn't warrant an apology. I wrote in the email today, that I was sorry for the embarrassment it caused her, but I still feel like it was an honest mistake, and not an act of incompetence, like she contends.
Last week, in the parking lot at the dance venue, I went to put my W's purse in the trunk. It was a windy day, and as soon as I opened the trunk lid, her work papers started flying all over the parking lot. I walked the lot trying to retrieve the papers that I saw.
My W was furious with me, and blamed me for it. Her trunk was full, and I did put her binder in facing outward.
She made an attempt to quit smoking, which lasted six hours. I praised her on her good start. She joined me this weekend for a yoga class. She has increased the amount of time she spends on the treadmill, and has begun doing Pilates exercises at home.
My book on conflict management says to think of dealing with conflict like exercise, or something else in our life that we do that isn't easy, but reaps positive benefits. He said that for those things we already practice, we think in terms of the benefits to be gained. We should think of dealing with conflict the same way. Instead, we focus on the negatives and then avoid it. In other words, transfer skills we already possess to our relationships.
Even as I practice getting more brave in facing conflict, I need to have realistic expectations. I can only do what I can to resolve or address problems areas. I have no control over what my W ultimately thinks about me or how she views events or actions. I'm going to have to accept that not everything can be resolved, or that we're going to not see some things the same way, or she may hold onto negative judgments or opinions that aren't true.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
