WAW says "I'm filing for D", but no papers

[SirPrizeMe]

Hey Pudmuddle, thank you for your reply.

You're exactly right, I DO want to save my marriage, and no, I didn't volunteer for this game.

I just got an email from her on Christmas plans:

As far as Christmas goes, I really want to get back to (our hometown), and I know you had mentioned the same. The kids have two full weeks of school off, from the 19th though Jan.1. I think what would work out great is if you took them to (our hometown) on the 19th (the first vacation day) and kept them through Christmas Eve. I'll pick them up from you Christmas Eve and keep them in (our hometown) for another 5 or 6 days. I've been invited to stay with my dad and (his wife) from Christmas Day on which is also when (W's sister) will be there with her new baby. If you don't want to go to <hometown>, I'll probably go myself with them on the day after Christmas and stay through New Years.

So in effect, she is acting "as if" the D were already in place.

Your W needs to be faced with the realities of the situation she is causing. By leaving her alone to realize these, she will come to this conclusion faster than if you force it for her.

I totally agree with this. and up til now, the practical realities for her have not been large. She cut the grass and mowed the lawn this fall. Ok. But she is still living in the house I pay for. She still has the convertible. I am the one living in a friend's room.

I am trying to figure out how to balance the "give space" and "be patient" advice with the "she needs to face the realities" part.
(gee, what I just said sounds really manipulative, to me!)

My filing for D would not be patient at all, but it would definitely force the practical issues, no?

OTOH, my being patient hasn't forced the practical realities. She's still a woman of leisure.