You sound like you are in a similar situation. Where's your story?
Thank you so much for the response and the insight. Gosh I feel like any response at this point is valuable to me.
you said, focus on me, GAL, and act "as if". Also be patient, and give space. ok.
For now, here's what I am doing to focus on me. I'm working out regularly, actually I'm in much better shape now than I was a year ago when the bomb dropped. I had read that working out helps with stress and of course knew this would be stressful so I committed to myself to stay healthy, and I've done that.
I'm reading. Always too many things to read so now I have the time to catch up on a bunch of things. Novels, etc.
I'm not drinking, smoking etc. I'm staying healthy, true to me.
I'm going back to church! With my kids, when possible.
I am calling friends. Regularly. I am talking my sitch through with a whole bunch of people that I know, but I did not talk to regularly. When I get lonely now, I recognize it and I just call someone. I tell them why I called, too. I'm not hiding any of this anymore. (at first I was embarassed or wanted to keep the whole situation private, but you know, if the D happens, it will be NO SECRET! So what the heck!?)
Staying close with my family. My parents are gone but I talk to my siblings fairly often. There is a bunch of them so I have lots of people to just chat with.
Along the same lines, I stay in touch with *her* family, too.
Meeting new people. At this point I still want my family back, but it is not looking good. So I signed up for a dating service and am having coffee with people. I am honest about where I am, basically I want to meet people who are similar. Not looking for a romantic relationship, just someone to share stories with. So far the romantic interest has been an ego boost but really not what I want right now.
Doing stuff I love. I ride my bike, still love it as much as I ever did. I cooked for my kids last night, which was nothing fancy but it was just fun to do. They helped, made a big mess, but what a delight just to be near them.
I'm still working. Weirdly, work is just opening up with tons of opportunities, RIGHT NOW. Tons of interesting stuff going on, opportunities for expansion of responsibility and larger leadership roles. Which is great. I've spoken to my boss about my sitch, he's very supportive.
I am fantasizing about some other new stuff, like taking a dancing (tango) class, or taking a massage class. But haven't move on that. not sure why, busy at work I guess!
I have dragged my a$$ on some of the GAL stuff - for one, I am still living in a room in a friend's house. I am in denial I think, about the split. I need to get my own house (regardless of the expense) but it breaks my heart to even look. I know this is bad but it is really hard for me to face it.
On some other stuff, I'm good. New haircut. I buy new clothes. New (old) car. (My old car was limping, the new ride is much nicer - again this is from a friend helping me out, so zero cost).
I hang in coffee shops. Planning a trip away with my guy friends to see a football game. Go to movies.
On the patience and space, I am doing some of that.
She went away for a 4-day trip with the kids over T-giving. I found out that was happening in an email, after she was already gone. They rented a place (kids told me on my Sunday visit), just them. Remember she is not working, she has barred me from the house, and now she is taking vacations with my kids, without me. I felt like throwing up. But I haven't said anything, and don't really want to. The kids told me it was a blast, which I am glad for. Glad they are all having fun, really. Though I feel very LEFT OUT! But I can handle it. I am not really worried about the $500 they spent on the rental - the money is nothing in the grand scheme of things. If I had to spend $50k to get my family back, I'd do it.
But what does it mean, "act as if"? as if WHAT? As if I were already divorced? As if everything is FINE?
Here's a current situation: my siblings are across the country. I'm still close with them. My kids are still close with their cousins, though we haven't seen them in a year or so, since we moved. I want to take my kids back for Christmas. W says she also wants to go back to the hometown for Christmas.
What does "act as if" mean in this situation? Should we book tickets on the same flight? Share a rental minivan? (there are 4 kids). I expect sharing living arrangements is out of the question! My sister has offered to let me & the kids stay at her house. Should I invite W? (THAT does not feel like giving space) Should I try to do family holiday visits together with W? This involves driving around town, stopping in for an hour or two or three with various people. (I am still on good terms with her father, mother, siblings, our old family friends, etc)
Or does it mean, I should maintain an independent schedule? Negotiate when "she gets the kids" and when "I get the kids"? This would be "as if" the D were already in place, which it is not.
Here's another, the D papers of course. Should I ask her to close on this? It's been 18 days. Should I ask her to be proactive? or just sit and wait wait wait. Remember, ALL my income goes to her.
here's a smaller situation: she is doing bible study. Every wednesday. She wants me to watch the kids while she goes. Remember this, while 18 days ago she announced to me she is filing for D. Should I continue to make time (leave work early etc) for the kids just to convenience her?
another situation: the kids tell me there are things that are broken, things that need doing at the house. Like the kids' computer for one example. Should I inquire about fixing that? This is something that I would normally do, that the kids would come to me to do, but of course I am not in the house. so? Should I inject myself into that and offer to fix it? W has not mentioned it, only the kids.
another: her convertible. I paid cash. With me renting a 3rd residence, We need money now. Should I force the sale of the car? or just continue to live on borrowed funds? I can act "as if" we can keep the car, but all the borrowing is starting to hurt us financially.
Love to hear some guidance on all this.
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
