Yes, I have a clue as to how we got where we are. Forgive an oversimplification of a thought there. That was more of a "how did we get here" muttered in befuddlement. I understand the steps that got me to where I am now -- and my role in it.
Little anger, little frustration. Erupts now and again. All in all, more disappointed than anything else. I understand how she got to where she is, for the most part.
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I get an icky vibe from your posts that you are still blaming her for a lot of things.
I blame her for one thing and one thing only -- back in the spring she allowed me to think, and told me, that she was falling back in love with me and that things were getting better between us. I wasn't perfect. Looking back, there are some actions on my part I would change. I was blaming her for where we were. However, she was not honest with me about her feelings. She was telling me she was increasingly happy. She was telling her Mom that things weren't getting any better. Now, if she had told ME how she was really feeling, would we be here now? Maybe, but probably not. In all honesty, that's a worse betrayal than the A was. In March and through mid-April last year, I was happier than I had been in years. I'm actually happier in myself today than I was then, but that's despite her.
That's the one issue that I keep coming back to. Even if, at some point in the future, she wants to give us a go again, I don't know if I can trust her to be emotionally honest and mature enough to tell me how she really feels. To this day, I have no idea how she feels about her role in the disintegration of our R. She's said once or twice that she is to blame too, but she's either not gone beyond that or really just thinks it's all my fault.
Anyway, back to work.
BD
My latest
Me: 36 W: 35 2 D: 9 and 5 T: 16 years M: 12 10/4/06: Bomb 10/5/06: Ended A 4/22/07: ILYBNILWY
