Pieces are Coming Together

[Torchbearer]

I told myself that I would not get down after spending the past 4 days with H. It was heaven. We even had moments of normalcy, not just honeymoon - I sat and did homework while he watched TV or played his guitar. The last two weeks I've gotten myself down afterwards, and really so has he. It's such an emotional let down after spending so much good time together.

I've been busy and happy today. I told myself last night after he left that I would remain happy. Why did I need to be depressed? I'm a confident person that has made a lot of positive changes in my life. I am independent and can make my own joy and I do. He makes me happy too. But I'm also reassured that he loves me, he's not leaving me (emotionally again), we are both committed. The separation now is physical and we are working towards an end to that as well, but I'm not in a rush. I was the one that suggested we take our time and I intend on sticking to my guns. We both agree it is really for the best even though it is hard. We both want to make sure the changes we've made stick and that we are both going forward into a much healthier and happier relationship. I should get a good boost on Friday when I have my C appt.

So I've told myself that when I get home tonight I will not be down. I will not expect him to call me. If he does I will be happy and surprised and I won't get depressed afterwards. I have homework and work to do tonight. My house is a mess, but I can live with it for another couple weeks, then school is done so I won't stress about that. When school is done I can really focus on me. I will have time again. I am enjoying who I am today and I intend on keeping it that way.

I'm still tentative at times and I can sense that he is too. There is a ways to go before trust is fully restored. I am aware of my behavior and I think that is a good thing - it keeps me from slipping into old patterns. I will keep it up until the new behaviors form new habits.