Why can't I do this....

[houndfan]

Dom,

Thanks for the effort here and getting caught up with my sitch. So, I think that I owe it to the active and passive observers to update the deal and see what you think so far.

FRIDAY - - -
So we both agreed in the morning that TG had been great. She tried to play it off that we had gotten along so well because we had no responsibilities to one another and that we were just being low key. I chalk it up to the fact that I am working very hard to make sure that I remove the anxieties that set her off and by having a day with no fighting, bickering, etc was very nice. She won't give that opinion to me, but I really don't need it because I felt like we had a great night. So we go for a bike ride with kiddos and then guess what??? Back to the bedroom for a mid-afternooner. Same as the last time, this will be the last time we do this, no kissing on the mouth, yada yada. Was pretty nice from my point of view but afterwards the same response as Thursday of "there was no emotional connection. I thought that I was just horney, but now I realize I want to feel close to someone."

I let that one hang there in the silence. So we continue thorugh our day, cuddle on the couch and watch a movie. Kids played outside all day and she and I got to just be togehter, there were a few moments of the old verbiage from her and even a couple of backslides of my trying to justify myself. But all in all a good day.

Later in the evening we get everyone ready to go to the HS football game in the neighborhood. She and I get all dressed up for the Florida cold and playfully talk about the night. S7 was leaving from the came to sleep over at his friend and we thought S4 would be coming home with us. Yes, with us as I was asked again to stay on Friday.

So we goto the game, and have a great time. At one point she tells me that she wishes she had some coco, so I had to go to the men's room and came back with some coco for her. To which she responded, "Who are you have we met?". 180 at it's finest she knows that I would love to watch the game, but to go and get that for her I think got some serious points.

After the game little S wants to sleep over at the neighbors so we let him. She and I go home and are so cold, we crawl into bed and spoon all night again!

SATURDAY ---

This is the night that she is to be going with her friend and also the day that the mood changed slightly. So I get up again and make my superstar breakfast that she loves, invite the neighbor over for some and have a wonderful meal. I take the time to clean the kitch and do the dishes, again a 180 that I actually enjoy!

After breakfast I have to get both S's ready for a Bday party in town. And we leave, she and I don't really talk other than to confirm that she will be leaving at about 6:30 for her girls night. Boys and I have a great time at the party but I developed a killer headache. Get home and she is in bed with her bikini top and some underwear on. She asks me to check her out because she was lying outback naked all day trying to tan up. I get in bed and tell her about my headache and ask if I could have a little nap before keeping the kids again all night.
Somehow, we made a left turn at this point. We were kindof being intimate and then she got up and told me that she couldn't give me the wrong impression anymore and that I need to accept that this is over.
She began to get ready for her night out and asked me to help iron some clothes etc. Then she left and S's and I went to a freinds house to watch movies.
Well, I expected that she would call on her way home from her night. But she didn't she showed up at 3am a little drunk and fell into the bed and got close to me to spoon. She woke me and we talked a little and she mentioned that she wanted to call me to come and join them but she didn't. Oh, well.

I get up early on Sunday, knowing that she will be hanging and make breakfast, feed the boys etc. Then take her breakfast in bed, newspaper, coffee. She was surprised and said, "you can't keep this asskissing up for ever you know?"

I said that the difference between asskissing and what I am doing, is that asskissing is designed to get me out of trouble and done for the benefit of the person that is on the receiving end. What I am doing is very selfish, because it makes me feel great! I am doing these things for me! She smiled!

I then told her that I was taking S's to church and I thought there was a picnic afterwards if she wanted to join us she could. Get home from Church and she is starting to have anxeity due to not finding clothes to wear to the picnic when she gets a call from her boss asking if she could do a party that afternoon near our house. She decided to take it and I went to the picnic with boys to play football with the guys for the afternoon.

I thought she was going to join us for a little bit at the picnic, and when she did not show, I called her to see what was up. She decided that she did not have time, but was sorry and told me that she will pick-up dinner and stuff to make my favorite cookies on her way home. She called a couple of more times, because she needed directions and had gotten lost over by the theme parks and she knows that is an area that I know well.

Well, on one of those calls I asked her what she wanted to do that night and she let into me that we are still getting a D and that she feels bad that she has given me the wrong impression the last few days etc. I asked her if she wanted me to go back to the home I have been staying and she got very angry and told me that of course I am going back there and that she does not care how hard this is on me or the couple that I am staying with that I have made my bed and need to accept it. This is over etc...

I tried to diffuse that conversation, as I think as I get deeper into this that she fights back when she is stressed and pushes back on me. In this conversation she mentioned that the computer is broken and she can't run her business like this and that our lives are a mess etc. She was stressed about everything but me and I think that she needed that time to attack from the weekend of closeness that we may have had.

Well, I got off of the phone and went about my 180's like Dom has suggested. I cleaned the house, ran the vac, mopped the floors, clipped the dogs nails, bath for the dog, played with the kids, 3 loads of laundry, and the coup de grace cleaned out the garage! In between, I was able to listen to the soundtrack to Les Miz and watch my beloved Broncos lose to the Bears.

Well, called her about 7:30 to see what was up, because if I was to go back to where I had been staying I would need to take the kids with me because bedtime on school nights is 8:30 and I needed to feed them and bath yet. She told me she was just leaving her party and would be home soon. But, she got lost and needed me to help her get home over the phone.... I told her not to worry about dinner and cookies that I would take care of things for th boys and I.

She got home about 8:40, boys were in bed with baths. House was clean, I had done more laundry and the list from above. She came home and crashed on the couch. She asked me to help her with some work stuff and as we were talking about it she said I wish you would get more involved in my business.

I asked her what I could do to help her? She did not respond, but she was sitting next to me.

So later she asked me when I was leaving, I told her I had some clothes in the dryer and as soon as it was done I would get out. She asked if I would watch a Christmas movie with her that she used to watch when she was a girl. I told her that I would. So we watched the movie for a while when she told me she was ready for bed and asked if I would come up and rub her back. I asked if she wanted me to stay and she said it's not a good idea. I agreed.
Got upstairs and we started talking again, I tried to drive the coversation in a different direction, but she was in control. It was about all of this and that she wants me to stop trying so hard that it is not doing any good to kiss her ass. She told me she is very confused right now, because she wants to be with me only because she doesn't want to be alone and that we are comfortable and she does not want to spend time with me because I am comfortable and have to break my heart.

She aslo told me that she will never let me break her heart again and that she does not feel the same way about me anymore. Then she attacked the changes and told me that eventually I will give up. She knows that I can not keep this up, because she knows that I will cheat on her again and that I will lie again and that I will be lazy again "sooner or later".

So, I agreed and validated. I explained to her why I am trying so hard, that it makes me feel wonderful. I did not mention her, just my feelings. It makes me feel good to know that you are taken care of, it makes me feel good to make your life easier etc. But I don't love you anymore.

I know!

Well, she asked me if I would stay again. I rubbed her back and she feel asleep. In the am got up and had S7 off to school with lunch packed clothes, etc. S4 had eaten breakfast and I was showered and ready to go.

Went to the bedroom to say goodbye to her. She asked me not to stay anymore until we goto C on Thursday that she is afraid that she is giving me the wrong idea. I said Ok! I then gave her a kiss on the cheek and said I love you. She responded in kind....

Sorry so long, but that is the weekend. Here are some brief sitches/questions that I have about this weekend if you have made it this far maybe you can offer some wisdom.

* There were no less than 4 times this weekend where she admitted that she is trying to open her heart to me. But each time within a few minutes she immediately would tell me that this is over.
* At one point she was joking about how quickly she could get D'd, I said we could do it as quickly as she wanted. She then asked me if I meant that and she thought that I would work on this. I told her that I would and that I too was joking, to which she gave me a hug.
* She asked me if I would take her on a cruise for her B-day with the cruise I won through work.
* She made mention several times that she will never be able to trust me and that she knew it was over when she didn't care if I cheated again or not.

I think that we are moving in the right direction, I am scared about this back and forth, but I understand that is part of the process. When you look at this in its entirity 6 weeks ago she would not let me touch her and now I have made love to her and get to spoon her on the couch. 6 weeks ago, I was not in her lifeplan and now she at least makes a few comments here and there about me in the future.

Anythoughts.... sorry for the length of this post.