The only negative is that I keep having these email exchanges with W. She continues to throw these zingers out at me occasionally that I am impelled to address -- and undoubtedly not in the best way because I cannot figure out the least damaging response.
For example W quoted something I said and took it completely out of context. Originally, about two weeks ago she had said something about wanting to know why, as she put it, she has been so "unappealing" to me since S3 was born. I reponded to her by saying that she has never been "unappealing" to me -- and it was quite the contrary, I added.
Well, the other day she said something that just makes me nuts, "I honestly don't detect a great desire on your part to have anything to do with me still. In one of your e-mails you said 'you are not unappealing' Wow. That really blows me away..."
I tried to rebut this, but she has continued to misconstrue what I have actually said -- and even what she herself has actually said.
So, W just reads what she wants into any conversation she has with me. It doesn't matter what I say, or how I say it. She's firmly embracing the fog and filters out any real message I might convey to her. W has thanked me for continuing to try to "communicate" with her, but I think she's only thankful that I am giving her fodder to justify her walking away.
I have had to restate for her, for the record, how I feel -- that I still want her very much, that I did not want this separation and I do not want a D. But I also added that I don't want this M either given the way it has devolved.
I think part of her just wants me to give up, so as to prove her assertions about me are true. If she can break me, then she can have what she wants unconditionally and without remorse.
I know I am not supposed to read anything into her words or her actions. But I really am thinking that she is trying to get me to throw the towel in. She wants me to want the D by the time we get to the end of this year of separation. She wants to hold out until one of us can legally file -- and she would like me to be party to it. Then she can get her precious D and be free to pursue OM with all the self-righteousness she thinks she deserves. And while I think she no longer has the moral fiber to truly hold out on OM physically, it would not surprise me if she thinks she's "saving herself" for him. I sense a particular pathology in her that is all too familiar, unfortunately.
The sad thing is she would actually try to convince herself that God would approve of destroying her M to me to be able to remarry another.
