Sun Facing Reality 5

[Sunflower23]

Well, we went to my and his family Thanksgiving dinners and survived. As soon as it was all over he headed home and into the beer. He began to retreat and wouldn't go shopping with the kids and I or anything. He disappeared for a few hours one day this weekend. I caught him on the computer looking at porn. He closed it and assumed he'd gotten off, but last night I told him I didn't want him looking at that on our computer, he needed to do it, do it somewhere else. He of course got pissed and started in on me and how I didn't attract him.

I heard all about how I'd never taken care of myself, how he felt nothing for me, etc. It was all the same stuff I heard back in July. A weird thing. He has started going back to years and years ago and saying that is when I let myself go and he tried to talk to me and nothing happened. He has made this all up. The time he is talking about is when I was pregnant with D18 and just before. We were trying to get pregnant and things were great, other than that.

I don't know why he has chosen this period of time. I'm baffled.

He of course talked about how he is dead inside, cares for no one, can't stand the sight of me. He criticized me in every way possible. He even went into how I'm not working full time. It's not enough I go to school and work part time. I'm supposed to get more days after the first of the year.

Last night was awful. The kids were here with their bf/gf. After H fell asleep the kids and I all watched a funny movie. I finally was able to sleep.

He says I would take anything from him just to keep him here. I don't know why he says that because I've been the one to get him to leave both times he has. I told him last night he needs to go figure himself out, that I can't live with an alcoholic. I told him the things he says and does around the kids friends are completely inappropriate.

I know he hates me. I have never seen such loathing in anyone's face for me before. I am the enemy. He's in God's hands. He's so lost.

My foot is bad, but I only wear the cast now when it is horrible. The cortizone shots don't help. The inserts I got for my shoes, and the sock I wear at night don't either.

D18 and her bf just left headed back to school. She didn't want to go last night so they stayed. I'll miss her.

I don't know what's next. This has gone on for so long. I figure H has been in replay for 2 years next month. He doesn't understand that if I cry it's not because I want him to stay, it's because I'm hurt. He thinks if he's nice to me at all that I think everything is fine. He said so. I'm not so slow. I knew a few weeks ago when he said we'd saved our M that this would very likely happen again. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt though.