Still trying - Not very well

[RedHeadWife]

I just wanted to comment that those of us that have gone through what we've gone through can't ever forget the lessons we've learned. I'm so glad that my sitch happened & has turned out well/ok. We have to remember that an M takes effort & work and if we forget that, we could end up right back where we were !

[limbo]

So it looks like we could be moving into crisis mode!

H told me yesterday that for the last few weeks he spends hours a day thinking about killing himself.
Early this last week he had a project pretty much taken from him, it had nothing to do with the job that he had done, it was totally office politics, but he has been working on this for the last 10 months, and has really worked hard on it, and I think this has kind of put him over the edge.
Needless to say I am full of emotions, I am scared, worried! And the selfish side of me thinks I can't do this again! I feel like now I am almost waiting for someone to show up and tell me he is gone, I can't be with him every minute of everyday! Thankfully he is back with a C, but has not told her how he is feeling.
I tried to talk to him yesterday telling him how well he has been doing, and he himself admits he has long stretches of really good days.
I don't want to sound flipant or cold because I am not, I am just not sure what to do.

[Sara]

Limbo,

This is a serious matter. He should talk to a doctor about it. I'm sorry he is so depressed. That must be very hard to live with.

[limbo]

Thanks Sara,

He has said eh will see our family Dr aswell as his therapist.

To be honest I just feel so drained, I just feel so heartbroken, because I just don't think I have it in me to do this again. I sit here and wonder if he is going to be home, wonder what he is doing, it just so hard.
I asked him today if he thinks he would be happier away from me, he said no...but will I be happier together?
I just want a normal marriage, relationship, no more suprises, no more of my life being thrown into a tailspin!
Does this make me a really selfish person?

[saffie]

Limbo,

Wanting those things doesn't make you selfish - it's what most of the people on these boards want. He is going to the right places to get help which is great.

If it's any consolation, the fact that he is talking about thinking about commiting suicide is good - it means he is crying out for help. It's the ones that don't talk about it that are the most worrying.

The project at his work thing sucks but maybe his colleagues think he is under too much pressure. Perhaps they are trying to help him but he just can't see that. Is there anyone at work he can try talking to about it?

Saffie

[Heartbroken]

((((((Limbo))))))

I feel your pain and you so are not selfish in the least - please stop beating yourself up. You are a good person who has put so much effort and faith into her marriage, her family, her husband - I know how tired you are, truly I do but once again God only gives us as much as we can handle - why I do not know - so take stock in the fact there are many here thinking of and praying for you. Your rewards will come...

HB

[limbo]

Thank you both for the support!

The project with my H is on is truly political!! and this is why it has upset h so much, they will be moving it to another province, with no regards to what the client wants, and now all the hard work is done! H is upset as no one will see the hard work he has done. He is really good at what he does, and so it truly is hard for him, and I feel so bad for him!

He was in better spirits last night, we even dialogued, which the night before he had said he would not do anymore, and if we made it we made it, but would be with no help. So last night he asked me if I wanted to, it was my turn to pick the question, so I made sure it was fairly light.
He did tell me he felt alot better having talked to me about being low, so today feel alittle less paniced.

[Sara]

Limbo,

I'm glad to hear he is reaching out to you. There is no such thing as a normal marriage. We all just do the best we can with the situations we are in. The important thing is to be there for each other when things are down. And that's what you are doing. I'm glad he opened up to dialoguing again. It sounds like he is in a depression. Perhaps anti-depressant medication will help him. Many people swear by it. Good for you for all you are doing.

[limbo]

Thanks Sara

I think that something that may be a big contributor to how is feeling is the fact that he has been stepping down on his anti depressant, he has been doing this under dr supervision, so its been a gradual thing, but none the less he has dropped a fair amount.
The other problem over the last few weeks he has in fact been pretty bad at taking the meds, he forget, will miss a whole day, and so I think this maybe causing problems to!
I have started to write my story out, start to finish, to see if this will help me feel better, by getting it all out, so we shall she what happens with that!

[Heimlich]

Hang in there, Limbo. Sara's right, he's reaching out to you and talking instead of acting. That's a good thing.

My brother takes something like 20 pills a day. He's got this large pill container thing that divvies up what he needs to take morning, noon, and night across 7 days. Maybe getting something like that and putting it on the sink/bedside/somewhere obvious would help.

{{{{{{{{{{{Limbo}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

BD