Their visit reminded me why I moved out. It's the first time we've spent so much time together since my wedding 8 years ago...and that wasn't the greatest thing either.
My mom is all up in my nooks and crannies...and the two of them are SOOOOOOOOO negative, it literally made me sick. No, really, the longer they went on, the sicker I got. Headache, throat sore, congestion...and, now, 10-hours after they've left, I'm completely back to health. Hmmm.....
They judge everyone they see, and I defy anyone to find any topic which they couldn't turn around into something horrible. People, there's not only no water in the glass, if there ever *had* been, it was probably poisoned.
I have to think on this a bit...because my husband and I are physically and mentally drained from their visit. I won't put myself through this again...no way can they come stay with us again...so the only thing I can think of is to go back and visit and do it completely on our terms like we usually do--stay in a hotel, visit 1-2 times.
Sad? Yes. But I couldn't find any compassion I felt so bombarded by negative energy...I've been away from that oppressive environment for so long that this felt awful. Blecch.
So many other things...my mom got drunk at Thanksgiving dinner (we had a blended T-day with my BIL and his gfriend's family...first time we'd met her family)...my mom repeated herself over and over...followed me EVERYWHERE...while I was clean up (it was FIL's house, FIL was out of town and let us use it), my mom exclaims loudly and repeatedly, "I can't believe my daughter's cleaning up!" NOT ONE MOMENT OF SILENCE AT ANY TIME WE WERE TOGETHER. NONE. No guidance on what they'd like to see in town, and not seeming very pleased about where we took them. Day after T-day I come upstairs and say I feel like cr*p, Dad says, "Why, did you get drunk (I didn't...I could have driven) last night?" and my mom says, "I hardly had anything to drink last night."
And so much more. It was excruciating. Our R works much, much better from a distance....
Sorry to just complain, but it's part of getting back into a good place. Gonna journal the heck out of it and keep reaching for a better feeling until I can get back into gratitude.
BLECH!!!
Hope everyone's turkey day was splendid!
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
You did well really. I like the way you recognize their negative attitudes and don't allow yourself to do the same.
I picked up so many negative attitudes from my family and did not realize it until it was too late. You start to DB and you concentrate on relationships and you SEE this stuff. And then it is easier to see the negatives in other human interactions.
For example, I never liked my brother or his family very much but now I know WHY. They are controlling, self-centered individuals. It was there all the time but I never realized it until this madness happened. I was acting the same way.
You realize all this SD and are using it for growth. Excellent.
Sorry to hear it was a rough one... but I have to say, you had me laughing...
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Ah....DB'd some, got tiddled a lot.
Sound like overall a success... You got tiddled. You are miraculously cured now. And you've established some boundaries in your mind for future get-togethers. Besides, the "can you believe my mother actually said this" memories are priceless when competing w/ your friends for dubious honors.
Sd - no apology needed, this place is here for a good vent!
Your post struck a chord with me ... recently i've dropped an old friend of 20 years. I was getting fed up with his judgemental and sometimes downright nasty view of the world and the people in it. For example, anything he didn't like was classed as stupid. he often decides he is in love with women and first becomes friends with them then suffiocates them with declarations of love then accuses them of leading him on. if we are out in a group and he is there I have to worry about who he will offend next. He sees all other men as competition. The guy isn't the best looking in town (in fact, he's rather ugly - looks like a bad version of the actor jake Busey) so I feel he'd be far better off trying to get a girlfriend with his wit and humour, which are fabulous, rather than browbeating her and threatening any male who comes within 20 yards of her.
I just got fed up of having to entertain him, apologise for him in group situations, and having to agree with him. (Belive me, I tried to disagree). So I've cut him off. I can't have people like that in my life anymore, I just can;t/ So jeff and SD I reckon I underestand how you feel and it was good to see it in writing.
Since DB'ing I see a lot of people who are going about things so badly. I worry that I will revert to that too. One of my pet hates is people who say "you should.....". ARGH!!!! i can't stand judgemental people now because that is exactly how I was and I brought a lot of unhappiness in my life. Once I stopped blaming external factors for my unhappiness and started to look into myself life got a LOT better.
Anyway ... I digress . SD glad you survived the weekend - maybe you should get badges or t-shirts done for you and your H ..."I survived the parents visit" and "I survived the in-laws visit" for him
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
I saw you mentioned awhile back that you might go to the Sonoma meetup this weekend with a few of us DB'ers. If you get a chance can you drop by Just for Fun and give us an update?
Would be so cool to meet you!!
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
I *finally* feel like I'm turning that corner. Finally, after how long? A year and seven months? The effects of the bomb in a marriage are long...much longer than I expected anyway.
H's job sitch is squared away in a way that works for both of us. It's really exciting really. We learn how to communicate better every day...and I'm learning to speak my mind compassionately and to set boundaries so I don't feel afraid or angry or taken advantage of. It's been a really good thing for me to learn.
After a recent disagreement-ish (nothing big) I realized that what I really need to do is trust myself enough to stay detached and not worry about whether H holds on to anything I do that bothers him like he did pre-bomb. I can't control that; there are no guarantees that he won't cycle down the same path. However, *I* am a different human being now. I know I can face whatever, and I trust myself enough to know that. I'm letting go of my need for guarantees.
MC gave H some cr*p about not making the M a conscious priority, pretty much put him on the hot seat. We actually had a great session last night where she asked me what I thought was missing...and my answer was real intimacy. I know that issue is as much my problem as his. I keep a barrier between me and other people...and with H a lot of that was erected because of his disapproval--silent or otherwise--of me in the past. And so I just learned to hide better...and it's cost us intimacy. H admitted that he senses that wall and doesn't know what to do.
So, now that's what we're working on. Can we do it? I don't know. I feel sometimes like I've found so many other friends and outlets from GAL that I don't much care, and that's probably just code for I'm afraid. I'm afraid to open up to a certain extent...afraid of getting crushed again. But...if I don't, then I'm missing out on something wonderful. So I have to at least try.
H told me last night we were invited to LW's house for her xmas party on Friday, and said he'd told her maybe. We're going on vacation next week, we've both been brutally busy, I've been sick, and we have an already full weekend, so he said it didn't matter if we went or not. I think he kind of wants to...and I didn't give him an answer last night. I told him we should play it by ear. I can honestly say that I've let go of most of that...and it's not an emotional decision when I say I just don't want to. LW and I can never be friends or even friendly. I can be cordial, but beyond that, I just don't want to. I choose to spend my time doing things that bring me joy, and this does not. So I think I'm going to tell H he's welcome to go, but I'm going to pass for my own well-being.
All is well for me, personally. I have a friendly, peaceful marriage, and I'm hoping to build it into something better. To me, that is a gift in itself.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
All is well for me, personally. I have a friendly, peaceful marriage, and I'm hoping to build it into something better. To me, that is a gift in itself.
Well, this is great, babe... but I want you to add passionate and mind-blowing... for me, ok!
I *finally* feel like I'm turning that corner. Finally, after how long? A year and seven months? The effects of the bomb in a marriage are long...much longer than I expected anyway.
Oh yes, I agree here. it's in my signature ... it took a long time after H recommitted for me to feel normal again, and to be honest it wasn't until this year, around September, 2 years after the bomb, that I let out that long sigh of relief. I can finally say now my M crisis is firmly in the past and I fully believe that.
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I realized that what I really need to do is trust myself enough to stay detached and not worry about whether H holds on to anything I do that bothers him like he did pre-bomb. I can't control that; there are no guarantees that he won't cycle down the same path. However, *I* am a different human being now. I know I can face whatever, and I trust myself enough to know that. I'm letting go of my need for guarantees.
Again, I could have written this woo. I have to trust that I won't revert back to the big old bad demand, pout and shout deamon that I used to be. I won't. I still have the same feelings ... sometimes I get angry, sometimes disappointed, sometimes a whole range of negative emotions but I've realised I cannot stop myself from feeling these things but I have immense power on how I choose to deal with those feelings and how much of an effect I let them have on me. That helps a great deal.
SD I'm glad you're feeling like you've turned the corner. if you're anything like me then there is only happiness ahead. I can say that hand on heart that even if my H told me he didn't want me yes I'd be upset but it would be his loss
What happened about LW's party?
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
I have to trust that I won't revert back to the big old bad demand, pout and shout deamon that I used to be. I won't. I still have the same feelings ... sometimes I get angry, sometimes disappointed, sometimes a whole range of negative emotions but I've realised I cannot stop myself from feeling these things but I have immense power on how I choose to deal with those feelings and how much of an effect I let them have on me. That helps a great deal.
Jeesh Jen - did you just describe me to a T or what? WOW. Ditto all the way.
Stay strong SD. You sound good hun. Consistancy pays off.
The effects of the bomb in a marriage are long...much longer than I expected anyway.
And comment on that too?
You sound wounderful again. I was worried for a bit. I don't want you folks in piecing to join me in Surviving.
Deal?
Make it a wonderful holiday if I do not get back here soon. We really need to go see jenny - the British know how to do Christmas - Scrooge, a boars head, steamed pudding, roast goose, etc.
