How are things going for you and your family. I pray that all is well for you.
ALOT of things happening in my sitch recently and I really don't know if it is good or bad. I "feel" that all is good, and baby steps are heading in the right direction. That maybe, just maybe my H may be on his way home. But then I read others advice on here and they are telling me it is too soon. And may not be as it seems.
I had a wonderful weekend and do not want to think negetive but maybe they are right. Right now I am hoping not.
TTL,thanks TOH
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
Good to hear from you...and thanks for checking in...I have been around...
As for your sitch...one bit of advice it there is no hurry...take it slow...let H lead...don't suggest because that can come back as a demand...if it is all his idea just go with it...but keep yourself prepared...I know my H was no where near ready to come home 7 months after he left...but then his crisis was really hard and deep...
Admitting the OW is a biggy...my H didn't/wouldn't admit it until I found hard proof and talked with her BF's H!...There was no denying it then...I wish he would have told me instead of lying to me and forcing me to prove he was lying...which he told me to do...when I found the airline confirmation of this trip and hotel receipt he said he changed his mind and didn't go...I told him I would find out the truth...he said go ahead and check up...see what you can find...I did find that he didn't use the hotel he paid for (OW's estranged H found out where he was staying so he didn't stay there!)...so I went to his cell phone and started calling numbers other than OW that were in her state...I found the person who picked him up the airport...unknowing that he was married and that he had abandoned his W and kids for OW who was his W's BF...he was furious and said his wife would be too...that he even thought the friendship would be ended...perhaps that is why OW ended the A...to keep the approval of her BF...a thought that doesn't really matter now...
I hope things continue well for you...just take it easy...
question - can our families push them further away? for real? i worry - i read what my h wrote to my dad. it was of course partial truth. i have unbelievable guilt about the way I held my father up so high that there was no way myh could live up to him. no way. it was wrong - so very very wrong.
so here i am- feeling further away from him then ever. at least the day of my birthday he sent me an email and acknowledge it, our anniversary i acknowledged - and he did the next day ( i had asked him not to email back) my birthday was late september, our anniversary in june.
now...a holiday has passed and he doesn't acknowledge me...i listen and read and hear you. yes my love is the real deal and eyss it is worth it. can't believe how badly i miss someone who has left me.
question - you brought up a really good point. his pride wont let him run back home - will it keep him from me all together? i know you probably get so tired of this - just you have had success adn i crave to have it too.
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06 Moved out 3/12/07 D final 7/30/2008 finding myself again
You have to give him time...I think it is all right to admit our own faults that we come to see...you say your held your father up so high that H could never measure up...have you told H that you now see this???...I am not saying to appologize for everything but if you think this could have been a major issue I see it as an opening to say your sorry...humble yourself before your mate and admit that you didn't always treat them fairly...then leave it alone...by doing this you lay a path for him...you show him that you understand his feelings...and value his pride...like I said, very few will have a lightbulb moment and return all sorry and sobbing at your feet...most want to slide back in un-noticed...with no fanfare at all...really at times their pride is all they have...it is also what causes them to be such butts at times too...
Yes, it is best not to have family get too involved...yes they can push them away...if you dad was writing to your H to encourage him back to his faith I don't think that is too bad...but I would ask my dad not to do anything further...
I got zero acknowledgement for our anniversary...it was our 25th and nothing...our 26th, nothing...even though we had gone out for a beer and to talk about family business and our son....H just said, "So are we celebrating anything here?"...I told him I didn't think there was anything to celebrate...and he said, okay, just wanted to know...
I would say your H is very emotionally fragile...so the more you can subtly do to build him up the better...starting with acknowledging it was wrong to compare him to your father...
I see you have mediation planned for 12/04...what is going on there?...what if you don't show up?...What if you ask for more time if you have to show up?...I know I have drug out this last D filing I did...initially because I saw H making progress back to me...and now because he has some financial issues he needs to clear up that I don't want to be party to...
The mediation is scheduled for a couple of reasons. In the beginning i had him sign a seperation agreement and it was notorized..legal and binding. At the time he payed me what i needed alaways on HIS terms..but he paid. It was a LARGE sum..and at the time I was only working part time, plus he had left me with all the debt etc. He paid rent - that was it...
Since so much has changed. In June he attempted suicide- and then lost his job the day he came back to work...they let him go stating that he was under to much pressure etc etc and anyway he didn't have an income..so the monies to me went down in half. AFTER his "return" in August I had gone to my lawyer and had the seperation papers changed - lowered actually. He was going to sign...but with the hosue issues etc. his mom got him a lawyer and his lawyer said THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS....so since then (this was September) H has varried month by month on what he gives me..
So..in short mediation was scheduled to argue with our lawyers about the seperation papers. I already am "legally seperated" and in the state of NC it takes a year - after that it is just moving paper work (I guess)...
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06 Moved out 3/12/07 D final 7/30/2008 finding myself again
This is really a good thread. Hope I can posted here one day. Unfortionedly I am at the beginning of the rollercoaster I think. As you already know now.
I am glad I'm finally able to get on-line because I'm in a lot of trouble. My wife of 7 1/2 years (we have a 4 1/2 year old daughter) is going through a mid-life crisis where she has changed her wardrobe, lost weight, looks great and is involved in an emotional affair with a man at work.
I discovered their affair in early November as they had been flirting at work and exchanging e-mails about the sexual fantasies they wanted to play out with each other. I'd even found out they had passionately kissed on several occasions, but never had sex. It got to the point where they were discussing leaving their marriages for each other.
Naturally, I was devistated and I spent a lot of time ranting, crying, begging, and chasing. I finally stopped blaming and worked on my own issues. Since the end of November, I've come a long way, but my wife is still texting and interacting with this guy. She says they're just friends, and I've told her that every time she communicates with him she is putting a knife in my heart.
We did ok for a while, but this past two weeks she's pulled back away. She now says she is no longer in love with me. It hurts and I've been trying this week to pull a 180, but I failed miserably tonight.
Tonight when she called, I listened to her speak, but then I started talking about me. I told her I was going to fight because I needed to be able to tell our daughter I did everything I could to save our marriage and family. I told her divorce screws up all kids and I won't screw up my daughter like my parents did to me if I can help it.
I told my wife she'd have to be the one who tells our daughter she refused couples' counseling and refused to end her affair. I told her I wasn't going to throw in the towel until every stone and then some had been turned in an effort to save the marriage.
I went on with my feelings, but I knew it was the wrong thing to do if I'm trying to pull a 180. She is pissed at me and blaming me and saying she doesn't know if she can forget the past.
I think it is all BS, but I can't tell her. Did my actions tonight screw me for the long haul, or is this a bump in the road? I need some guidance desperately as I don't know what to do and I don't want it to be too late.
PLEASE HELP ME! I'm so scared and alone here and I'm terrified that by talking about me and confronting her on issues I've screwed my long-term chances.
I suggest starting your own thread so that people can follow your story and respond to you. Its going to be OK! Sounds like you hit a bit of a bump in the road. What you are feeling and how you responded sounds totally normal given the circumstances. Your response could have been much worse, in fact it might have been a good thing to do. You just have to monitor the results and learn for next time. Also your wife sounds totally absorbed in herself at the moment, what you are doing and saying and feeling probably doesn't really register with her. OK start your own thread and then other people will be able to give you advice. You sound like a great guy - you are going to be OK!
Hi I am new to this so here goes: I found out my H was having an affair with a much younger single co-worker. I was completely devastated. H does not want a divorce but acts indifferent toward me and unremorseful. It has been a year now and I feel like I am in limbo. I don't want a D but want to reconnect with my H. It appears he is having a MLC. We have 2 teenagers and we are all so sad angry and frustrated by H behavior. He claims he is no longer having an affair but I can't trust him now which is causing a great deal of problems. HELP! me 45, H49 M17yrs. Still together but not doing well. OW waiting in the wings I'm sure.
