We were clear with one another from the get-go. I have my home. You have yours. We do stuff together. It quickly became clear that he has monetary means way beyond mine, and because of this I was opting out of things he'd ask me to go do. So his... solution, was to buy everything up front, and THEN ask me to go. We had several discussion about this. And we worked it out.
Then the gifts started. And you know, heck, I'm a girl, and I was quite flattered. But it was getting to be just a bit way too much. I do what I can, when I feel so moved... but I try very hard not to do the tit-for-tat thing. I give in ways I think he finds most meaningful.
Lord knows it is fun for awhile. But eventually, life creeps back in and you have to start paying attention again. I have things to address. His solution is to just 'pay for it,' so we can go back to having fun. He doesn't want me to worry. He wants to see me smile.
I think that is a very lovely notion. But it isn't... realistic. When my dad issue came up... his solution... "I'll pay for it." So I didn't worry.
It just isn't that simple.
He's off doing his thing for a month. That's cool. But I'm not a slot machine of happiness. I'm not a 'throw money at it' to make happiness, kind of girl. Sure as SH!T wish I could be. It's all starting to get to me.
And that is what I was saying to Mo... I thought I was a Swan. But I did this with xH. As long as everything LOOKED okay to the world, as long as appearances were kept, as long as I smiled, said nice things at the corporate meetings, washed clothes, cooked dinner, had rip roaring sex... things were good. DON'T fcking make waves.
It gets back to what Lil said... if I'm out busy taking care of everyone else... who takes care of Corri? Corri does. And this is MY issue. THIS is where I derail myself, time and time again.
I don't want him to PAY for it. But because of my default... actions? I make it seem like... oh... okay. <-- My fault. What girl's head doesn't spin when a plane ticket shows up and you are whisked away to Chicago for a weekend? All you have to do is pack your bags and flippin SHOW UP?
I need to fall in a lump and cry. THAT'S what I need to do. I need a stupid tree cut down in my front lawn. I can pay to have it done. Hell, I can read a book, rent a chain saw, and do it myself. Which I would take an enormous sense of pride in...
Don't get me wrong. BF is a lovely, very fun man. But having him in my house, 24/7 for six days straight, is just about more than I can handle. If he lived here, in my area... he'd be working. I'd do my thing... not having him standing there, staring at me...
I need to know where I stand... crystal clear. Yeah. I can lay it all out. I can put the plan in place. Or. I can live the life of a kept woman. There is a side to it that is very... seductive.
But. There is something in the Corri gut saying... 'nope. Something is not right in Dodge.'
And... right now... I'm just muddling through it. That's all. It's my shrink's fault.
When all this crap started with my allergies and my incessant red eyes, and my mood swings and my general whazzing out crap, I hauled azz back into my guy.
His thing was... "What are his intentions?"
Me: Scuze me? You sound like a father.
Him: Someone needs to.
And he went about telling me that, at a certain point, if a man wants something, he makes it happen. He doesn't talk over it. He does.
I said, "Well, I told him I don't want to get married."
Him: "Strike one against you."
Me: So... you saying I should get M?
Him: No. Just don't EVER say that marriage is what you DON'T want.
Me: Why? It's honest.
Him: Cuz. Women are not men. And you are not a man, no matter how hard you try.
ME: I'm not trying to be a man.
HIM: A man... who is willing to commit... certainly needs a woman to pursue. Otherwise, he would not pursue. That is not how you got your first H.
Me: Really? How did I get him?
Him: You pursued him. Then you did mental warfare. Then you withdrew. You found an Alpha, acting as Beta.... and then you withdrew. You got him by default, because he didn't know what he wanted himself. He just responded to your tactics.
Me: I wasn't doing 'tactics."
Him: Yes you were. You just didn't know it. And becuz you didn't know it.... you won.
Me: That sucks.
Him: Yes
ME: But. I don't want to marry.
Him: No, you don't want to make such another mistake. Don't blame you. But marriage has nothing to do with that.
