one thing i dont get is he keeps saying that knowone knows the "pain" he has indured for so many years...what pain? what is wrong? what happened to him? how is he going to heal? i knwo when his father left (when he was a freshman in college) he began to really really be depressed..and i know he has never forgiven him (really forgiven). He hates him - but his father never knew. But why is everything so "BIG" right now? His pain? His failures? My failures? I really dont get it.........
That pain is internal...it might have been years that they stuffed it away...it might only be months but it "feels" like years...to them it is very very real...
The crux of this might be linked to his father leaving...and the reason it is so BIG is because he is in MLC...everything amplifies...I know with my H even noise seemed to be amplified to him...he was so sensitive to anything and everything...
I know with my H is childhood was haunting him...it blew up in his face...he had some very horrible things happen to him and/with his siblings...what was difficult for me to understand is he had always known these things happened...it wasn't like a light came on all of sudden...it was more like he couldn't stuff his feelings about it anymore...he was hurt...and had been hurting all this time...but he denied those feelings until they could no longer be denied...everything came crashing down on him...and the only thing he could tie to all his unhappiness was the one person who had been in his life the longest...ME...
Right now you can't walk him through this...you are still too close to his pain...he needs to run away before he can turn around and face it...that is why he chose the OW...she doesn't KNOW him...she only knows what he wants her too...it really has nothing to do with you...and infact very little to do with her either...it really is all about him...
Like my H used to say "you can't reason with an unreasonable person"...well you can't understand a confused person either...so give that up...just understand that he is confused...he is running...he really doesn't see the full effect of what he is doing because he is drowning in his own pain and sorrow...until he works through all of that he won't be ready to work with you on anything...and don't expect him one day to come running back to you as fast as he left...pride will keep that from happening...so you be the humble one...allow him to come home when he is ready with no questions...if he stays there will be time for that later....I really didn't broach those things with H for at least 6 months after he returned...this is where all the patience I had been practicing was finally really really put to the test....
It is hard...it is crazy...but if your love is worth it then you can do this...either way...if they return or they don't you need to work on yourself...because you can never be the same person you were...but you can improve...and you can feel better...
