I guess it really was just self-protection-induced denial on overdrive. Now that I've done some digging inside myself...I feel like I'm going out of my mind.
Oh. Even better. Was looking at pictures from DS's birthday on xh's computer...and found photographic evidence of their physical involvement. It's not like I didn't know...I just didn't want it to be true...and I can't believe how awful I feel.
I really, really just want him to leave me alone. I can't look at him without seeing it. I can't talk to him without seeing it. I'm having nightmares. And I can't eat...I have no appetite.
I'm refusing to talk to him about it. xh kept asking why I felt that way.
WTF? What do you mean why? He said he didn't understand, because we are divorced. I can't believe he's that dumb. Or that self-centered. Or both.
I told him a lot of the things I've had on my mind. That I'd been trying to work on myself, and my issues, and that I ultimately wanted reconciliation with him because I wanted an intact family for the baby. He said he had no idea, and said I should have told him. (??? Is he really that dumb?) I told him I've been trying to for months. I mentioned the letter. He said he thought I was only asking for more space. (Seriously?) I told how he'd kept saying that he wasn't ready for a R, and so I hadn't wanted to push him. That I thought he knew all these things I did for him were things I do for someone I'm interested in; that's why I'd been telling him for months I wouldn't do so if he were seeing someone. xh said he had no idea, and "didn't mean" for the JD thing to happen...that it wasn't "that way" in his mind. (Seriously?? Come on.)
After lots of yelling on my part--where I kept repeating that I had always said I wouldn't do a lot of these things if he were seeing someone--he at least admitted he lied to me. xh said it was because he had been afraid I'd stop helping him. No $h!t, Sherlock. I told him that was manipulative. I had to explain to him why that was manipulative.
So, I refuse to spend the night at his place. I refuse to let him stay the night here. I am no longer lending him money. I am no longer helping him with his schoolwork. I am not eating with him or hanging out at his place with him. I just can't do it. I can't be around him without totally freaking out right now.
But he keeps calling me!!
He keeps going on about how I have his kid, and I can't keep him away. I keep telling him he's not entitled to be at my place just because we have a child together. He now says I am using the baby to punish him, because I don't want to be around him. (Please, seriously, if anyone thinks I am honestly doing that, tell me.)
He asked me if he could stay at my place when his mom gets back into town. I said no. He asked me if I was going to keep paying his cell. I said no. He said he'd already changed the plan to something cheaper, and would also pay me back for the shoes I bought him last week. I said I would pay next month on the cell, and that's it. (It's due next week.) xh asked if I were still going to pay his car insurance, "per our agreement." (BTW, I have always maintained I wouldn't help him pay anything if he were seeing someone. I don't see how this is "backing out".) I said I wanted the Pontiac out of my name (it's my name only), and that I would not agree to insure the vehicle his mother is giving me. He said he wouldn't have a car to drive, and that it would be my fault because he can't see the baby. I told him to uninsure his motorcycle. He said he did, and still didn't have the money. I agreed to insure through January, and then I wanted the Pontiac out of my name.
xh gets another chunk in student loans in January. I am willing to give him a six week (or so) hiatus until his loans come in, but I want that car out of my name if he's going to keep it. My biggest concern (and the reason I caved) was that he really can't afford insurance, and I would be legally responsible for that car. I need to take a look at the law.
We did have one good talk late last night. (By phone.) About jealousy and it's place in a R. He told me he had been jealous of PM (my unintentional EA, before I even knew what it was, before he met xow). He told me he had also actually been really jealous of TWG.
TWG was a guy I worked with a couple of jobs back. I really could have let it run away with me...xh had moved ahead of me across country, and I was lonely. I was really attracted to him. Of course, at that point, I knew better...I only saw him at work. I only talked to him about work. Never hung out with him alone. Never talked to him after work, unless it was a production emergency, and then we were both very businesslike. I immediately cut all contact once I moved. Anyway, xh told me that he always thought he was 'too good' for jealousy, as well, so had never told me these things until now.
I was more than happy to take the baby to his place a little bit ago. I will be happy to go pick him so xh can get some studying in. I am willing to get up at 5am (uuugggh) so xh can pick up the baby, and I can leave work early enough to go get him. I just do not want him staying at my place! Honestly, is that using the baby against him?
So I drop off the baby. xh calls me while I'm en route. I'm 30 minutes, am I doing it on purpose to punish him? No, just took longer to get the kid out the door than I thought. I will be there soon. Can he borrow my vacuum? No. Why? We're not friends. What do I mean? What are we then? We're exes who have a kid. Can I help him apply for scholarships? No. Why? I'm not his girlfriend. But I know about this stuff. Ask the school counselor. Why am I being mean to him?
Agh!
I get there, hand him the baby. Plaster on (obviously) fake smile. Give DS lots of hugs and kisses, tell him mommy will be back soon. Start telling xh he has a mild diaper rash (probably from the cold he's had) and that he really needs to eat. He hasn't eaten much today, other than mommy milk. I grab my purse, give DS another kiss, start to leave.
xh asks why I'm in a hurry. (??? Seriously?) I say I can't be there, I can't be around him. I am avoiding looking at him. He gets close enough so that the baby can grab me. See, xh says, DS wants you to stay. I give DS more kisses, ask him if he still wants me to pick him up for a bit so he can study later. He says yes. I start to go. xh insists we talk about DS right now. I just lose it, start crying, basically just leave, telling him I need to be alone.
Ten minutes later, xh calls me. I ignore it. No voicemail.
He calls me again. I ignore it. No voicemail.
He calls again. I answer. xh says, you said it was easier to talk on the phone. (True, I did.) Okay, fine. We talk a little about daycare. I start sniffling. xh asks me what is wrong. (Is he really that dumb?) I tell him I don't want to talk about it. He pushes, and pushes, and I just lose all control again, start crying hysterically, and babbling about how I can't get it out of my head. I wind up hanging up on him. He's left me alone so far.
Okay. First things first. I am out of my freaking mind. Clearly, I had more emotions bottled up than I had thought. Being insanely upset is one thing, but I'm doing it in front of DS. That I don't want to do. Breaking down on my own time is fine, but I can't keep yelling at his dad in front of him.
xh is clearly scared that I will somehow keep his kid away from him. (????) I need to figure out how to reassure him, or come up with some plan that works for both of us. It finally seems to be sinking in that he won't be staying the night here.
I feel like a lunatic. I'm not sure why. xh keeps asking me why I'm "doing" this "to him". And he doesn't understand why I thought we had some kind of psuedo-R thing going on. (Um? From everything I've written, I'm really not delusional, right?) Writing it all down is helping me clear my head...
I need to calm down when I'm talking to him. xh is, despite the weirdness he's spouting, talking a lot more like a rational adult than I am. He actually sounded a bit wounded and concerned about me earlier when I left his place.
Lastly...I'm a f!ck!ng idiot, because I already miss hanging out with him. I know it wasn't healthy, but I had finally started feeling pretty happy again lately. I know that nagging little feeling would have just continued to grow until I blew up even worse than this...but I miss my time with him. It looks like my sanity just won't let me do it right now.
I'm also going to make a appointment with an IC tomorrow. I need another totally objective opinion.
It looks like my sanity just won't let me do it right now. 
