First, clarify one thing: do you and your bf still maintain separate residences and just spend time together? Do you spend most nights together at one or the other of your homes? Which home do you spend more time in?
Yes, we have separate residences. I'm up there, or he's down here. Since my boy's hockey season has started, and it will run through March, there really is no me going to see him. I'm busy with hockey nearly every weekend. So... I'd say we spend blocks of time together, and lots of time apart.
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It would definitely bother me if he did (as yours does)... because it creates fuzzy boundaries, especially where money and household responsibilities occur. For example, if one of his kids needs money, I absolutely do NOT consider it a responsibility of mine, since we're not married. If I were a stepmom, I would feel like I should a) care and b) participate in the solution. The fact that I'm clearly a girlfriend and not a stepmom makes things really easy.
I get that. So when BF makes gestures to pay for things regarding my house or my kids... I get cranky because it DOES feel fuzzy to me. It isn't his job. I think it's nice and noble... but I don't want to be like my dad, kwis? It's one thing to accept help from my family (mother), but to accept it from BF, given the context of our R, doesn't seem or feel right to me. I guess I need to think through this more, but that's really all I can say at this point, I think. This is all kind of bubbling up.
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Right now, when he's so consumed with caring for his mom, it's really clear that I'm a girlfriend and not a family member. Even though I'm down to cheese and crackers, I'm not going to play the "But I'm your GIRLFRIEND-- you're supposed to CARE" card, because frankly, I don't want the implied reciprocal responsibility? Do you see what I mean? We don't treat each other like married people, so what we do for each other is more like a gift and less like an expectation.
Absolutely. Hence... my... frustration?
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In short, I think your pi$$ed-off-ness is a very appropriate reaction to the situation. I hope you're not making the mistake that my bf makes and that's to come on rude and strong when your partner meant no harm. IOW I hope you said this
Well, I hate to burst your bubble, I say, but I am not your family and I am not your wife. We are dating, and MY family issues are not your problem.
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with some kindness and sensitivity and didn't just bite his head off.
Absolutely. I had snapped at him once, earlier in the day, and I was horrified. I immediately apologized and told him that when I figured out why I was so snappy, that I'd tell him.
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The problem is how to tell him to back up. This will require kindness and diplomacy. He means you no harm; he just made assumptions that went beyond your boundaries.
No, he doesn't mean me harm. Again, I'm not mad at him.
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I think Lou is on to something... your anger at your bf is probably connected to your anger at the way your dad is handling HIS problems.
I was pissy before the 'dad' sitch came up, but I'm sure it didn't help. Or maybe it did, in the fact that it may have helped ME find clarity.
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Let all of these people live their own lives, kwim? When you're over there living their lives, who's over here living yours?
