Bf did not come out yesterday (Saturday) or even call me all day. I finally called him around 7:00 pm and he proceeded to tell me what he cooked for mom, how he went shopping at TJMaxx for kitchen stuff and Wal-Mart for pajamas for her.
No mention of coming out last night, so I didn't mention it either, but I said I really need you to come out Sunday and take the dogs back to town, since I won't be able to manage them tomorrow morning when I go into town to go to hospital.
Today, I called him around noon (a little while ago) and of course immediately got the mom weather report (which is fine, really), and then a little song-and-dance about how he was waiting for a friend of his mom's to call him back and say when she was coming over so she could stay with mom while he came out here. I said, "You can't leave your mom alone at all?" thinking that yesterday his shopping expedition probably took at least a couple of hours. He said, "Well, I don't like to."
Anyway... he right away got into that testy, nasty tone of voice about how he's trying to do this and trying to do that and managing this and managing that... pounding on me... and sorry, but I started to cry a bit. Then he said, "What are you whimpering about?" I said, "I fully understand why you have to do all of this for your mom, but I wish you wouldn't make it sound like I'm making unreasonable demands on you by asking you to bring me a sandwich after three days." He said, "I can't help what my tone of voice sounds like! We've gone over this before! Just pretend you're reading my words on a sheet of paper and ignore the tone! Just get over it!"
I said I don't see why you have to wait for this friend to call before you leave your mom. The friend can call you and you can give her directions. He said, "Well, it's more a matter of what mom expects." And yet he can go on two-hour shopping expeditions.
I really need to be thankful for this whole episode...I've been seriously needing to be hit in the head with this particular 2X4: I'm seeing his true colors and it's being shoved in my face. I've turned away and made excuses for him, saying I understand, and he's been through this and that-- but the fact is that he cannot give me something very basic that I want and need: simple kindness and civility.
Lest anyone [ahem] misunderstand, I'm more upset about his testy, nasty, edgy way of talking to me about this than I am about whether or not he makes the time to get out here. I did tell him I absolutely need him to come to day to take the dogs back. (And he said, "I've been planning to do that for two days now." [Note the 7-ish reference to "planning," which does not come to fruition.]
Do you think I'm FINALLY getting the message about who this man is and where I fit into his life? I deserve better than this. Any human being deserves better than this.
I want him to take me to the hospital tomorrow afternoon. It will be interesting to see whether he sticks around. After all, it will require leaving his mom alone. (I don't mean for that to sound sarcastic-- she is indeed very fragile. She has osteoporosis on top of everything and the doc told her that she could bump something and break a bone.) I'm wondering if he will find someone to stay with her (like his daughter, for example) or whether I'll wake up from the surgery and he won't be there. I DON'T expect him to stay overnight with me-- that would be totally unnecessary.
When I can detach a bit, it's interesting to see all of our issues being played out in this situation-- it's like mythology or something.
Maybe it was a good morning, after all...
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P.S. Has anyone been around here long enough to remember that when he and I first got together, he wouldn't go down on me because I had a little "bump" (about the size of a grain of rice) on one of my inner labia (sorry if that's TMI). It was a teeny cyst. He even told one of our early therapists* that was why he wouldn't do oral sex on me. And I FELL for that story?!? What a dope! I took steps to remove the bump, but he still has never done oral on me.
*That therapist told me that she didn't see any hope for him to change enough to make a relationship with him possible. She said he might improve, but it would take YEARS because he had so many deep, troubling issues. That was in 2003.
