Corri, your post was very interesting to me. I think currently your living situation more closely resembles mine than it does anyone else's on the board.
First, clarify one thing: do you and your bf still maintain separate residences and just spend time together? Do you spend most nights together at one or the other of your homes? Which home do you spend more time in?
Of all the things that are wrong with my R, this business of "playing house" is one area that is not a problem. The main reason is that my bf does NOT think of me as a wife. That's REALLY clear!
It would definitely bother me if he did (as yours does)... because it creates fuzzy boundaries, especially where money and household responsibilities occur. For example, if one of his kids needs money, I absolutely do NOT consider it a responsibility of mine, since we're not married. If I were a stepmom, I would feel like I should a) care and b) participate in the solution. The fact that I'm clearly a girlfriend and not a stepmom makes things really easy.
Right now, when he's so consumed with caring for his mom, it's really clear that I'm a girlfriend and not a family member. Even though I'm down to cheese and crackers, I'm not going to play the "But I'm your GIRLFRIEND-- you're supposed to CARE" card, because frankly, I don't want the implied reciprocal responsibility? Do you see what I mean? We don't treat each other like married people, so what we do for each other is more like a gift and less like an expectation.
There are drawbacks, to be sure... like now, when his family comes before me. With my late H, for example, I knew that I came first, before the kids, before anyone-- but we were MARRIED. That came with the territory.
The fuzziness that's happening with you and your bf, where you're having some of the expectations of married partners, but not all, and it's not clear which are which-- that is crazy-making for sure. Especially if he is thinking of you as a wife, but you're not thinking of him as a husband-- after all, when people marry, BOTH people say "I do," not just one of them.
In short, I think your pi$$ed-off-ness is a very appropriate reaction to the situation. I hope you're not making the mistake that my bf makes and that's to come on rude and strong when your partner meant no harm. IOW I hope you said this
Quote:
Well, I hate to burst your bubble, I say, but I am not your family and I am not your wife. We are dating, and MY family issues are not your problem.
with some kindness and sensitivity and didn't just bite his head off.
The problem is how to tell him to back up. This will require kindness and diplomacy. He means you no harm; he just made assumptions that went beyond your boundaries.
ETA: I think Lou is on to something... your anger at your bf is probably connected to your anger at the way your dad is handling HIS problems.
If your mom wants to pay for his car repair, let her. She's a big girl. If she wants to get the money from your sibs, let her. Send her your share and be done with it. Let all of these people live their own lives, kwim? When you're over there living their lives, who's over here living yours?
