WAW staying, I'm leaving to give her space..

[jab]

Thanks for the quick and excellent responses! I'm already starting to feel like I'm finally doing the right thing for a change. I also hope that it's not too late, alot of damage done already.

I also just wanted to say that up until a couple of years ago we too were the couple that nobody thought would seperate. We seemed very much in love and everyone said "you guys are great parents and so happy and cute together... you were meant for each other.. soulmates... like newlyweds". I honestly think that the past few years has taken a toll on both of us (my excessive drinking just compounded the issues). The inability to have any fun together/spend quality time together for the past couple years has made her forget or lose hope that we can enjoy life as a couple again like we did in the past. I also think our lack of communication skills and M skills have contributed significantly and they need to be improved. I think neither of us had any real idea what the other was thinking, needing, feeling or this would never have happened.

I'm on the rollercoaster already, believe me!!

Things I'm working on short term are these:

1) Finding a better counselor for our R and M issues, communication problems, one that is SBT and anti-divorce. Do this once a week with W.

2) Create a preliminary list of goals for myself. - I have some good ideas but I asked W to help me with this so I focus on the right things in her eyes.

3) Give her space to relax and time to think ASAP and make my move to new apt as smooth as possible for her and kids. Minimize contact unless kid related, counseling related or she initiates it (see what happens over next several weeks). - I think this goes a long way in the trust dept. She still can't even trust that I'm actually going to move out, leave her alone for awhile, until she sees the signed lease!

4) Take care of the DUI/alcohol related issues on my own to lessen her burden. - she already expressed that she needs this.

5) GAL, start working out. - Last few months I lost alot of weight (mainly stress) and I look alot better but I'm getting quite thin. I need to build some muscle tissue. When we met I was very 'buff' (6-pack abs and all) from military and want her to say 'holy s***, you look good' to me after house arrest. I mentioned to her yesterday I was thinking about working out to improve physique and she definitely showed signs of interest in the prospect. It would be a big 180 for me as well.

After reading about so many bad/worse situations that others are going through, I feel that I have a decent shot if I do the DB methods, am patient (which is hard right now) and consistent. I know I cannot think much about long term right now but planned on booking a Retrouvaille with her in Feb (our W anniversary is coincidentally same week). I think we REALLY NEED something like that but I'm not going to be pushy about it. IMO it's a VERY good thing for me that she is entertaining counseling and therapy and she still says she is trying to have an open mind about the future, although at the same time she says she doesn't see much chance of her mind changing at this point. IMO if I can get her to do the right therapy while she is entertaining the idea it may open her mind a little more before it totally closes on me.

I think the biggest obstacle for me is getting her to take the 'hate/angry/negative' goggles off. She cannot see any positives in our M and R right now. She is afraid to feel/see anything good in me (past, present, future) for fear of being hurt or disappointed again. It has become extremely obvious to me and I think she sees it too but she can't help it.

Once again, thanks for all the great comments so far.

This is the hardest, most painful thing I have ever done in my life.