WAW says "I'm filing for D", but no papers

[SirPrizeMe]

Just some more info -
it's pretty quiet out there, not sure anyone is reading. But I'm writing anyway.

I found out about my marriage troubles on July 20, 2006. The wife of the OM called me to let me know. I was traveling on business. Called W immediately. She brushed it off as if it were nothing. Suggested that I not to cut short my trip. As if it were not important.

The OM was my best friend, next to my wife. Our families were friends, actually. Family vacations together. Dinner at each other's houses once or twice a month. I spent time with him alone doing guy stuff.

He was a stay-at-home dad - his wife worked, they had plenty of money. Three lovely kids. At the time, the youngest was just 18 months.

While the A was going on, W and I were planning a move across the country. Little did I know. New job, new place to live, away from family and friends.

I found out just 2 weeks before we were to move and close on our new house. We discussed our sitch. We both agreed we wanted to work it out. So we picked up the kids, moved across the country.

Since then life has been - I don't know how to describe it - crazy. She declined to enter MC with me immediately, said she wanted to go to IC first. She had suicidal thoughts. She went on SSRIs. She went off. When I inquired as to the progress of her IC, she was hostile, "none of your business!"

She told me the A was my fault, as I was "never happy". I looked but did not see this in me. She then told me I treat the kids poorly, raising my voice in the house, scaring them. I admit that I raised my voice, agreed to work on it, apologized to the kids (individually) for scaring them, told them I didn't want to be scary. I succeeded in this. She noticed, she was glad. But still she felt hopeless about the M.

I read "how to recover your marriage" books. Based on that advice, I tried encouraging her - told her I valued her as a wife and a mother. For her 40th bday (bad timing - too many stressful things at once) I got her a new convertible. I had been planning to do it for 2 years. I talked to my boys all summer about what color it should be - this all while the A was going on. She liked it, looked great in it.

By November 2006 we were in MC together. Generally there was not much progress. I later found out that she re-started communications with the OM while in MC with me. (The W of the OM emailed me, said she didn't want me to be a fool again).

I proposed a family trip to Hawaii, thinking that would lift everyone's spirits. It was one week before our trip that I found out she was still conversing with OM. I told her I deserved better than this. She tearfully told me she would "give him up". We went on the vacation, but she was tense. She got drunk, swore at me. We made love (her idea), first time in a long time, and then she cried.

When we returned from the trip, back into counseling, we began to plan our divorce. I withdrew from counseling. The C asked - what would make you feel safer here? I told her "if I were not planning my own divorce, that would be safe for me." W said nothing. I left MC.

She moved out of the bedroom. April 2007. I stayed in the house. She slept. a lot. She drank. A lot. Every day. Obvious signs of depression. The house went unkept. I worked harder, cleaned the house, did laundry, while still working my job.

New accusations by her - now the problem was that I was controlling. I didn't want her to have her friends, I hated her family, etc etc. None of this made any sense to me. It's just not true that I don't want her to have her friends. It's not true that I want to keep her from her family. I like her family. They like me.

Then she had a date with the OM. She told me it was for a "work meeting" - she is selling jewelry at parties. She led me to believe she'd be home around 10-11pm. By 1230am, still no W. I waited up. "it would have been nice of you to call," says I. Well that blew up. A sign of me controlling her again. A big argument.

The next week she admitted to me that she was out with him. Less than 8 weeks after the teary-eyed "I'm giving him up," she actually went on a date with him. She now says she does not remember this promise to me.

She asked me to leave the house. We still have not sold the other house, money is tight. I explained this to her.

I spoke to my family, her family, her friends, the priest that married us. All are encouraging. All are totally shocked. "we thought you were a model family." I asked W to give me 3 months without talking to OM, without seeing him, etc etc. She again agreed. I remember thinking - in 3 months' time it will be our wedding anniversary. I can wait three months to see what will happen. I can be patient three months. I also promised myself - this is the last time. If she contacts him again, if she breaks her promise again, I'm leaving.

For those months, she slept on the sofa, I in the bedroom. We stayed civil. We went to movies with the kids. I washed her cars every week. If she caught me doing it, she'd say "you don't have to do that." "I know I don't HAVE to."

One night we went out, just the two of us, to dinner. She got drunk again. She was saying kooky stuff like "everyone is exactly where they ought to be" and "no path is better or worse". I said, what if I go and punch that guy over there, in the nose. Is that neither good nor bad? No response to this.

One night we went dancing. The next morning I kissed her. "Oh, you LIKE me now?" she asked. Again, I don't know what to say to this. I have liked her all along, loved her by choice all along. I told her I never stopped loving her.

She started reading books on witchcraft, psychics, clairvoyance, reincarnation, multiple-lives. This is all very new to me. I was not judgmental.

Then one night she told me "I still call him occassionally." This was about 5 days short of our anniversary. We didn't make the three months. The next day I left the house. (then came her never-to-be fulfilled promise to start up MC, I mentioned that above)

Now she has shifted her accusations from "you are controlling" to "you have been abusive to me for 20 years." This is very hard to hear, even though I know it is ridiculous. Last week I heard a new one - "the kids are all petrified of you." But yet when I visit they all run to me.

She added in, just for good measure: "You broke your wedding vows: You didn't honor me!" I don't know what this even means. Yes I promised to Love and Honor her all the days of my life. I remember it well. But what does she mean I did not honor her? She clarifies the accusation (not) by re-iterating that I was abusive to her for 20 years.

I asked her to give me one thing to do for her - one thing I can change. She gave me a book on abusive men, told me to read it. I did. I said, let's talk about this in therapy. She refused.

The other night she even accused ME of being unfaithful. Lawyer speak: "Are you dating someone?" she asked me. no. "Are you sleeping with someone?" no. "Are you having sex with someone?" Still say, "No." "Have you ever been unfaithful to me?" I'm not sure how to answer. I feel like it is ridiculous that I should be defending myself here. Remember, this line of questioning is coming after her threatening a D for 7 months, but never filing.

I told her, I have never once been unfaithful. I've thought about it, but never acted on it. She says "I don't trust you." (Duh. It was pretty obvious from the way she was questioning me.)

Again I phoned her father, her friends. Her father said "So I hear you are filing for divorce." I told him, not me! I want to reconcile. He said, "W told me you gave up, didn't want to try any longer." This is insane. I tell him it's untrue, but what can he think? His daughter is telling him one thing, and I'm telling him something totally different.

She changed the locks on the house.

For now I am still GAL-ing, but not expecting much here.

Now I wait for D papers.

None of this makes sense!!