LIN.....yea, patience is not in my vocabulary so I'm guessing this is a lesson I'm meant to learn. I really am a different person than I was in June. Things just don't bother me as much. Maybe because I am so consumed in trying to "fix" this. I am a fixer and not being able to do so is driving me nuts. I cry soooooo much. I am on meds and in C but my H doesn't want anything to do with C. He says he doesn't need anyone to tell him how he feels. He knows how he feels and they can't change his mind. He's not in love anymore and why do I keep asking. I quit asking. Only hurting myself but I don't learn these lessons until I've hurt MYSELF. I want him to hurt like I do. Iknow that's not right but geez, this is the most God awful hurt anyone can endure. The pain is sometimes almost unbearable.
I haven't called him, emailed him but sometimes I question his whereabouts. Working on that one. I want him to think I don't care. He doesn't care what I do so I have to try and act like I don't care either. Yea, he even wants me to go find someone else because "I'd be happier". Thanks but I made a commitment to him and I'm going to do my best to stay that way.
Anyway, today I'm so so. Tomorrow may be a different story. Looking at all his clothes packed and ready to go is killing me. DOes he enjoy holding that over our heads. My d15 is crushed and hates to see the suitcase packed. Is it better to have them in the house or out? I wish someone could knock him over the head and knock some sense in to him. He's being a self-centered jerk but in his eyes hes the same person he was he's just being "honest" now.
Thanks for the words of wisdom. Hugs! Treese
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
i didn't realize that he hadn't left yet. i am so so sorry. the pain of the suitcase i cant even imagine. I remember finding or seeing the boxes in the closest. we had set a day - march 12 - we planned that he woudl take son to the airport (he was heading out of town on his senior trip) and then he would just go from there. head to work and not come home...
The next day my son called from Colorado. One of his friends from his class was killed in a freak skiing accident. I called H sobbing..my d11 was crying "I want my family - all my family home now..." He came home for the night, stayed in the room with D11. And left again that next day - it was suppose to be amicable..we were suppose to work on ourselves and then see where it took us...he lied...
He found another woman within a month...she bought a car from him and then wow they saw each other that evennign at a local restaurant.....and it started..
i ache so hard. i am sorry for your pain, for anyones pain. this is hell.
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06 Moved out 3/12/07 D final 7/30/2008 finding myself again
It is 6am and my H left yesterday to play cards with his buddies(at 5 pm) I have not heard from him. I don't even know who this guy is. Although I believe he went to OW home to spend the evening and then probably fell asleep. I have not received any phone calls or anything. I dont know if he's dead or alive. I just think it is so disrespectful after all these years of being together. I am so afraid of that very same thing you experienced. We talked about separating for a while and see what happens. I'm afraid he won't come home, ever. I guess I'm still in shock, since January when the OW husband showed up at my door to tell me what my H should have told me. He even warned my H that if he didn't tell me he would. I was humiliated. My H didn't seem to care, just kept saying her H was psycho. I said, "He's not so psycho, he put a tracking system on her car", then he continued telling me how she went back to school to get her degree. i said, "I DON'T CARE". They are carrying on a relationship. Where it is right now I don't know. He says he's not in love but heck he's lost anyway.
The only thing I have been asking him for is respect and honesty. He lies so much and I know when he is. He doesn't answer his phone, not even when his daughter or son call him. I don't call anymore, he won't answer me anyway. I'm trying not to care and ignoring him but he likes it. He would rather not talk to me. Sucks!!!! I want him to feel this pain. Will they ever?
Treese
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
Treese Ur sitch could be my sitch. Right down to the going out at 5pm and not being home at 6am. In my case he went to work at 6am and only came home for an hour at 10pm to get showered. He then re-emerged at 6am, very drunk the following morning.
What I meant by significant events in or around June was this: did something major happen in his life about that time? e.g. did a parent die, did he miss out on a promotion. If so there's your trigger. If you're like me there won't be a trigger that you recognise and that makes it harder. Two years on and i still don't know exactly why my H left.
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
Nothing major happened that's what has me baffled also. He just arrived home and said he was playing cards all night, then went straight to be. I said, all I ask is for a phone call to tell me you're okay. He said, "I'm always okay". Whatever.
I have a feeling I'll be like you some day. I just need to let go totally. I am better though. I don't call anymore. I have talked to him at least 3x a day for 29 years and now he doesn't even want to speak to me. How sad is that?
And my H doesn't usually come home from work until 3 am cause he doesn't want to see me. That's great for the self esteem. He says I don't give him any reason to come home.
Maybe the OW does. All she has to do is provide the s**, then ships him home. Although he says this has nothing to do with another girl "it's how he's felt for 10 years". I do have a 10 year old son. Guess he didn't want him either. Well then, another great start to my day. I didn't want to say anything to him when he came in but geez how do you not. I wasnt angry though on the outside, just inside. I want to stop questioning and start not caring.
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
You H sounds so so sooooo much like my H...the trigger for my H was 2 years BEFORE the bomb!...he was laid off from work and started a new career...one that didn't really go so well...and started the downward spiral that I didn't understand at the time...
My H didn't care...didn't call...didn't return calls to his son (the girls wouldn't speak to him after he left)...said pretty much the same things your does when he was still home...he would leave for work and not come in until 2 am...sometimes stinking drunk...when I would tell him I was worried about and a call would have been nice he would tell me "I have been on this earth 46 years and nothing has happened. If something happens you will know so there is no point in worring!"
Don't let him know your worried...you really MUST stop questioning...he is feeling driven by an internal force that is stronger then anything right now...even stronger then love...my H told me that my love was not enough...that it takes more then love to stay together...that isn't what I believe...and now I know I was right because it was my love that brought him home...
When my H left there was no warning...he kissed me good bye at my nieces wedding...said he would see me for dinner and that was it...I realized that he was probably drinking in his office and when he wouldn't answer the door I left him a note saying I had the car and he could call when he needed a ride home...he called at 3 am...wouldn't talk to me on the phone but said to come get him...on the way home he said he was leaving...that he just needed to get his shaving kit???
He literally left his life behind when he walked out the door...I had never seen such a cold man...didn't say good bye to his children...didn't take his prized guitar...his family momentos...NOTHING but his shaving kit....the debt he ran up starting over was incredible...I soon realized that between the OW and THINGS he was trying to find happiness...he had blamed me for all his unhappiness...said he hadn't been happy for "10 years" and like your Treese...our son was 9 which meant that during the pregnancy he was not happy???...I was as bewildered as you...as deeply hurt as you...sometimes I wished that he had died and not left me...at least I would have felt loved and loveable...now I was humiliated and unloved by him...I was devistated to say the least...I have never felt such pain...
BUT...when I found this place...realized that I had a part in all of this...that my focus was now on me and the kids...I kicked into gear...I even got a job that really made me thankful for the life I had...as miserable as I thought it was I had to really focus on the blessings that I had in my life...that is what you all have to do...there is nothing you can do to MAKE your H come home...or realize what he is doing is wrong...his feelings are VERY real to him...he is totally convinced he is doing the right thing...no matter how wrong it really is...this is where you have to really pity him...he doesn't even know how messed up he is and when he realizes it that will be a big blow to him...and he just might NEED a friend...until then you can't be anything to him...you just have to BE...
to do...there is nothing you can do to MAKE your H come home...or realize what he is doing is wrong...his feelings are VERY real to him...he is totally convinced he is doing the right thing...no matter how wrong it really is...this is where you have to really pity him...he doesn't even know how messed up he is and when he realizes it that will be a big blow to him...and he just might NEED a friend...until then you can't be anything to him...you just have to BE...
Lin [/quote]
Lin that is where I am stuck. my H tells me he knows he has a whole (or told me) in his heart.that he is seeking to fill it and nothing is working. i offered to be his friend and walk him through this in August- just couldn't do it if the ow was there...so he chose her.
now i am over here...i know he is hurting. my father just sent him a long email not about cmoing home but about coming"home" to God. The first one was pretty straight forward adn he got counsel from someone that has known all of us for 20 years+..that person had counseled my h years ago..he said send it. then h sends an email back - it was what i expected but also filled with truth about his pain.
one thing i dont get is he keeps saying that knowone knows the "pain" he has indured for so many years...what pain? what is wrong? what happened to him? how is he going to heal? i knwo when his father left (when he was a freshman in college) he began to really really be depressed..and i know he has never forgiven him (really forgiven). He hates him - but his father never knew. But why is everything so "BIG" right now? His pain? His failures? My failures? I really dont get it.........
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06 Moved out 3/12/07 D final 7/30/2008 finding myself again
I've been racking my brain to see if I can pinpoint a trigger for my H. Since he slept with the OW in fall of 06 I would say it had to happen before that. Well last year we had a total of 5 surgeries. I had 2 kidney stone, a hysterectomy (?spelling), and H had knee and then tore his bicep so had to have that repaired only to find out 8 weeks later his surgery didn't take and they had to do it all over again. He was down about that. And then when I found out about OW in Jan. we talked and he said he was probably the most depressed of all and he puts on a face at work. I guess my nagging (and I didnt' mean to) was getting to him because he worked so much. Anyway, my guess is that was the trigger point. He had had enough and snapped!
I love him and don't want him to go but don't know if he wants to go. When we got into an argument a few weeks ago I told him to just leave because he said he was basically here because of the kids and the money. We don't have the money to get him an apartment. So his sister said he could stay with her. She has 2 kids also and 3 dogs, etc. DOn't know how long that would last. Then he said he wouldn't leave until I signed a separation paper. I will NOT sign any paper he gets off the internet. Is he kidding. He said if i wanted to do what's right for the kids we would get a mediator and divorce that way. Why the rush in to divorce? The OW just got divorced and I think she is feeding him this crap. He said he didn't want to get slapped with abandonment later. I told him he did that a long time ago. He has a plan up his sleeve and I don't know what it is. I told him we are a family and this is our home. I got no response. I haven't talked about anything since because I am trying NC. He is just so cold to me. Only wants to talk to the kids when HE wants to. I do everything around this house including paying the bills and taking the kids everywhere. Of course he wants to leave. He will have so much freedom. I'm afraid he will love it and want to make it permanent. It's been a few weeks since his bags were packed and it hurts to see it. What do you think he's going to do? I don't want Christmas ruined for my kids.
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
one thing i dont get is he keeps saying that knowone knows the "pain" he has indured for so many years...what pain? what is wrong? what happened to him? how is he going to heal? i knwo when his father left (when he was a freshman in college) he began to really really be depressed..and i know he has never forgiven him (really forgiven). He hates him - but his father never knew. But why is everything so "BIG" right now? His pain? His failures? My failures? I really dont get it.........
That pain is internal...it might have been years that they stuffed it away...it might only be months but it "feels" like years...to them it is very very real...
The crux of this might be linked to his father leaving...and the reason it is so BIG is because he is in MLC...everything amplifies...I know with my H even noise seemed to be amplified to him...he was so sensitive to anything and everything...
I know with my H is childhood was haunting him...it blew up in his face...he had some very horrible things happen to him and/with his siblings...what was difficult for me to understand is he had always known these things happened...it wasn't like a light came on all of sudden...it was more like he couldn't stuff his feelings about it anymore...he was hurt...and had been hurting all this time...but he denied those feelings until they could no longer be denied...everything came crashing down on him...and the only thing he could tie to all his unhappiness was the one person who had been in his life the longest...ME...
Right now you can't walk him through this...you are still too close to his pain...he needs to run away before he can turn around and face it...that is why he chose the OW...she doesn't KNOW him...she only knows what he wants her too...it really has nothing to do with you...and infact very little to do with her either...it really is all about him...
Like my H used to say "you can't reason with an unreasonable person"...well you can't understand a confused person either...so give that up...just understand that he is confused...he is running...he really doesn't see the full effect of what he is doing because he is drowning in his own pain and sorrow...until he works through all of that he won't be ready to work with you on anything...and don't expect him one day to come running back to you as fast as he left...pride will keep that from happening...so you be the humble one...allow him to come home when he is ready with no questions...if he stays there will be time for that later....I really didn't broach those things with H for at least 6 months after he returned...this is where all the patience I had been practicing was finally really really put to the test....
It is hard...it is crazy...but if your love is worth it then you can do this...either way...if they return or they don't you need to work on yourself...because you can never be the same person you were...but you can improve...and you can feel better...
Those surgeries/illness could very well be the spring board that led into the crisis...
I would do a legal sep. if I were you...in fact that is what I did and it saved my butt from financial ruin...especially if you live in a community property state...
You could check with your local court house to see if they offer assistance for filling out and filing the paper work needed...this is what I did and it saved me tons of money...they even provided me with a financial waiver so I didn't have to pay the $300+ to file!...I took the form for the agreement and retyped it the way I wanted it...it was basically a fill-in-the-blanks form anyway...the attorney that looked it over after I was done said that I had done a great job...I had spelled out the visitation arrangement, financial assistance, childcare if it was needed, medical and financial responsibility and because H was so crazy I even had a clause in there for my son's protection if anything should happen to me that my custody of him would transfer to his sisters and everything with his dad would remain the same...H would not assume full custody at any point!
LS is not the end...it isn't a D...but it is a legally binding agreement that can make things run smoother...people tend to forget what they say so having it in writing makes it fair for all involved...if they signed it and agreed to it...then they hold to it...
Ironic...I had 2 kidney stones too...worse pain I have ever physically felt in my life...and the S from H...the worst emotional pain I ever felt...what a period in my life!
