I hear your complaints and you have some hurt feelings. Unfortunately your reaction to the hurt was to commit adultery and believe me, that hurt her so much more deeply and for so long. Sounds like she didn't feel much choice about the 2nd pregnancy and pressure to have her have the baby AND work could easily feel unfair to HER and she could have felt abandoned by YOU...acts of service are one language of love, but her language may be a different one. I recommend, in addition to Divorce Remedy, "The Five LOve languages" book. You aren't on the same page in some way.s
Don't interpret her knowing of the A as condoning it, or holding it over your head. In all probability she wanted to see if YOU would end it on your own. But the sad thing is that when you were with your wife you wanted warmth and loving....but she knew you had betrayed her and very very few women are warm and loving to a man they know to be cheating....it's a vicious cycle.
Totally accept that her coldness may well have been a result of what her pain was, not an act against you. And realize much of that "original" pain came from her feeling neglected/pregnant again/pressured to work/unattractive and the grand finale, your A. I think you were lucky she waited to see what would happen. But when she did her 180' for real, and you had to choose, you chose her. But now SHE is confused. All this time she may have been planning to heal herself from the expected blows from you ---more affairs, more lies, maybe illegitmate kids, STDs, and she did this by protecting her heart, putting walls up to protect herself.
You both have a hard road. Are you seeing a c to check out why you'd do this to a woman you love? Why won't you do it again? Do you KNOW that you won't do it again? How? If you've got good answers to those ??, then TELL HER and SHOW HER.
Good luck, and get that 5 Love Languages book, by Chapman (?) j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I hear your complaints and you have some hurt feelings. Unfortunately your reaction to the hurt was to commit adultery and believe me, that hurt her so much more deeply and for so long. Sounds like she didn't feel much choice about the 2nd pregnancy and pressure to have her have the baby AND work could easily feel unfair to HER and she could have felt abandoned by YOU...acts of service are one language of love, but her language may be a different one. I recommend, in addition to Divorce Remedy, "The Five LOve languages" book. You aren't on the same page in some way.s
Don't interpret her knowing of the A as condoning it, or holding it over your head. In all probability she wanted to see if YOU would end it on your own. But the sad thing is that when you were with your wife you wanted warmth and loving....but she knew you had betrayed her and very very few women are warm and loving to a man they know to be cheating....it's a vicious cycle.
Totally accept that her coldness may well have been a result of what her pain was, not an act against you. And realize much of that "original" pain came from her feeling neglected/pregnant again/pressured to work/unattractive and the grand finale, your A. I think you were lucky she waited to see what would happen. But when she did her 180' for real, and you had to choose, you chose her. But now SHE is confused. All this time she may have been planning to heal herself from the expected blows from you ---more affairs, more lies, maybe illegitmate kids, STDs, and she did this by protecting her heart, putting walls up to protect herself.
You both have a hard road. Are you seeing a c to check out why you'd do this to a woman you love? Why won't you do it again? Do you KNOW that you won't do it again? How? If you've got good answers to those ??, then TELL HER and SHOW HER.
Good luck, and get that 5 Love Languages book, by Chapman (?) j-
Thanks for the insights. It has been a bit since I posted. I have read 5 Love Languages and Covenant Marriage by Gary Chapman. I KNOW I WAS/AM lucky to have her have waited for me. I KNOW that. I have been seeing a counselor on my own to deal with the answers to your questions as posed and I will update you as I make progress.
For an update for those of you that have been trying to help me and be supporting, it has been three weeks since I started this thread. My W now talks when I call, she doesn't hang up on me. We haven't been talking other than about the kids and it isn't easy being on the east coast and her in the Midwest.
I did thank her for considering our family for T-day and she called me that afternoon for help me getting tickets. It was a great day for me. Further, later on in the week I called her and shared a success at work and she was very happy for me. I picked her up on Wednesday at the airport for T-day. The ride up was pleasant and the kids have been great. I have been trying the LRT and it is slow going. My W is wearing the earrings I gave her, her rings, and another ring I gave her. She is getting along great with my family. I see a definite attempt to push me out of the picture as she talks about her plans for the kids in the spring, and referring to the kids as hers, not ours. It is very hard for me. However, there have been a few times where with her guard down she has smiled at me and even "high-5'd" me as we took the kids bowling with my fam. She has not made any mention of divorce. My mom observed that she is acting out towards me but perceived the same actions when the guard is down.
I have met with a DB counselor over the phone three times and have signed up for the next 3 sessions too. I am trying as hard as I can, and I KNOW IT WILL REQUIRE MORE THAN I THOUGHT.
LH, I just have to say, and I know that I speak for every LBS here, that I wish my H were as committed to you in R. Wow. You've stopped to think about what the A did to your W -- many of us here have no proof that is even on the minds of our WAS.
And absolutely no contact with OW -- way to go!
I hope that all of your hard work on your M pays off.
I just have to say, and I know that I speak for every LBS here, that I wish my H were as committed to you in R
I agree. Believe me, if your W is like anyone here, she will grow to appreciate you have absolutely no contact with OW. That is a big step and its a step many WAS haven't taken.
I guess I am unsure of what I want to write now. Today was equally promising and discouraging. We went for a walk, my entire family, sisters and parents and spouses at a local park. I had a great time with my kids. Then this PM W, I and kids went to lunch and then spent the afternoon together. W and I got alone great. Then kids and I went with my parents to cut their christmas tree and W stayed home. After dinner we played Scattegories and W was so distant from me. I was SO excited because we had so many same answers....I wanted desperately for her to just make eye contact with me and smile, but she wouldn't. She was SO friendly to the rest of my family. I feel so lost.
I am very emotional as I write this post. I know I shouldn't think about myself, but I am writing for your support. I know some will post back with and your responses will shame me for being so self centered. I am not thinking of the other woman but of the hurt I have caused her and how I don't even know who she is now. I want to know her, and I love her. I am trying not to rationalize...I keep saying how could she come here and have such a good time with my family and I and then just divorce me.....I know I hurt her for so long. I cannot even begin to describe how much hurt i have inside right now. I know she is right to feel the way she does. I hate myself right now.
The LRT, for me it is hard. I know it is what I have to do. Why is it hard for me, and why do my feelings matter....because as I am supposed to act As If and be interesting and not pathetic requires me to ignore the overtly hurtful things she is doing to me. Do I sound selfish now, to some yes. What I am trying to express is my sorrow and regret and desperation to love my wife, as I have, and to make her happy. my mom says she sees the love in my W, but I seem to just notice the rebuffs.
I am writing for your support. I feel lost and I am so sad. How could I have done this. Three years ago I was did not have the skill and self awareness I do now. How can I measure what works and what doesn't when I never knew in the first place. I want to remain married to my wife and love her forever. She seems now to want to hurt me. I know I hurt her and I can't imagine what I have done to her.
So, I am showing my vulnerability. I am NOT going to the OW. I want my wife and my family. I will continue to fight. I hurt, I ache, I am crying and I feel pathetic.
I am sorry that you are so sad. Getting through this is not going to be easy, but you are doing the right thing. The hurt doesn't go away that fast, and yes she is hurting too, but it is wonderful that she is even spending time with your family, that's great and a definate plus.
Time, time, time.. that's what it will take and patience.
I am so glad that you are determine to win her back, don't get discouraged, rome wasn't built in a day, so this too will take a distance to run its course.
Don't push, but stay near and show her what kind of man you can be. Keep up with the dbing. and great that you have appts with them.. your on the right track.
Take care.
tal
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
I hope nobody shames you. You are here, putting yourself out there, in order to help others.
Your wife misses and loves your family. I know that with us, I spent the time with H's family, because I enjoy them and don't know if they will be my 'family' anymore. I try not to be distant towards my H during these functions, but its hard to balance my hurt/pain. Your W could have just 'bagged' the entire function and not gone at all, so that's good she went. She sees that you are back, you are doing all the right things, but she is so worried she is going to get hurt again. She is protecting herself with the distance and lashing out.
Don't feel self centered. You are going through this as well. You are hurt, sad, and lonely too. You have realized that you did something wrong, and now you are living with the guilt too. I honestly feel bad for my H, where he is, the mess he constantly has to think about, I wouldn't want anyone I care about to feel that way.
I am sorry that you are so sad. Getting through this is not going to be easy, but you are doing the right thing. The hurt doesn't go away that fast, and yes she is hurting too, but it is wonderful that she is even spending time with your family, that's great and a definate plus.
Time, time, time.. that's what it will take and patience.
I am so glad that you are determine to win her back, don't get discouraged, rome wasn't built in a day, so this too will take a distance to run its course.
Don't push, but stay near and show her what kind of man you can be. Keep up with the dbing. and great that you have appts with them.. your on the right track.
Take care.
tal
Thank you. My sisters just left and it was hard. SO HARD.
Peter, Don't focus on what didn't happen, focus on what did happen:
1 - Had a walk with the entire family; great time with the kids 2 - Had lunch with the family 3 - Got along with your W great 4 - Played a family game together
If you set goals for yourself as DB says to do, then those would be game winners. Please don't discount the day because she would not make eye contact with you. You know the saying, don't sweat the small stuff, let's change that to, let's celebrate the small stuff! Time will heal, she will heal, you will heal.
I think Lousy Husband is a lousy name for you, I really do. You're making yourself into a better person. Don't beat yourself up. Keep reaching for those small goals.
