Why can't I do this....

[Dom R]

So I am such an dummy. Somehow, during the TG preparation W and I had sex. Long story, but she roped me in and I took the bait. In fact we did it 2x pretty quickly and then she told me that was it forever. Man I have been hearing that a lot lately, but she still pulls me back in.

What the heck do I do now, did I screw up all of my DB'ing for a romp in the hay? She had said that it was just physical and that she wants an emotional connection with someone... not me.

HF:

get over yourself.
get off the rollercoaster

most people's spouses do NOT have a sudden, miraculous, quick, "ok, I'm completely happy and committed to you now!" revelation moment. it happens sometimes. but it is not the norm.

what is more common, is that there is a LONG PERIOD, of them being undecided, going back and forth, saying nice things one day, bad things the next.
It's a rollercoaster. it goes up, it goes down. expect the down. dont think it's the end of the world.

expressing regret/negative after sex, is also fairly common. IF you dont want to deal with THAT sudden up/down... then dont have sex in the future.

for now... .just get over it, and keep trying.
if you're going to give up every time your wife says, "it's over",. then just give up now.

Otherwise, pick yourself up off the floor, and decide to keep trying for some number of months, reguardless of what negatives she says during that time.

She has a lot of bad memories to overcome with you, ya?
that's not going to go away in a week. or a month.

pull yourself together, keep trying, and see what another day or two of positive treatment of her brings you.

[braveheart]

So I am such an dummy. Somehow, during the TG preparation W and I had sex. Long story, but she roped me in and I took the bait. In fact we did it 2x pretty quickly and then she told me that was it forever. Man I have been hearing that a lot lately, but she still pulls me back in.

What the heck do I do now, did I screw up all of my DB'ing for a romp in the hay? She had said that it was just physical and that she wants an emotional connection with someone... not me.

Well....... sounds like you did a great job stuffing the turkey!! LOL Sorry, I couldn't pass that one up!!!!

[fish]

Dom - You should be working for Michele. Your advice is excellent.

BH - Look at the positive side. If she had sex with you, she is still attracted to you and still has feelings for you.

Once her anger disipates over time, she will be back. Go ahead and keep having sex with her. To me, it would be a nice step forward. The chatter afterwards is just her defense mechanism kicking in.

[Dom R]

Hey there...

I just noticed, that I had missed some of your "older" posts.


So, reset your mind to last week, if you want to read some "late" comments from me on it


GREAT job on taking care of the dog. That i think is a major stumbling block out of the way.

now you just have to clear up all those other boulders laying around

one rock at a time...


sounds like you did a great job on validating what she wanted to do with meals, too. Awesome!

Well, today on the phone, she brought it up again and told me how inappropriate taking the call [to single female who is purusing you] was. I agreed and validated.

personally, i would DISagree. nothing wrong with "taking a call". it's going on and on with her, instead of ending it, that wasnt that pleasant. Yet if you handled it the way you said you did... I personally dont think you did anything "wrong", except make your wife jealous, and that was why she was mad. heh.

She kind of made a comment about how she never takes calls from OM in front of the kids and that I should do the same.

Err.. so what exactly is "wrong" here? not that you "took the call", but that you did it in front of the kids?

You should try to get her to agree to stick to the same standards she wants you to follow, if that sort of thing comes up again

She immediately said, "I am sorry it won't be that kind of night. If she wants to come she can." I said no, you need a night like that with your friends, and she told me she is going with her girlfriend that is basically going through the same thing as her. But she was sure several times to tell me that the night is not going to be what I think. I tried to agree and validate!

Oooo.. this will be poison for your marriage.
In my opinion, you should have left it at, "ok she can come".

What is now going to happen, is not a "girls go to strip club" night, but "two women encouraging each other to have a divorce".
That's what "going through the same thing as her" means.

I want to learn how to make it because I enjoy cooking and think that in the future that it is not fair that I sit on my butt and watch football all day while the women ...

that was really nice

[houndfan]

Dom,

Thanks for the effort here and getting caught up with my sitch. So, I think that I owe it to the active and passive observers to update the deal and see what you think so far.

FRIDAY - - -
So we both agreed in the morning that TG had been great. She tried to play it off that we had gotten along so well because we had no responsibilities to one another and that we were just being low key. I chalk it up to the fact that I am working very hard to make sure that I remove the anxieties that set her off and by having a day with no fighting, bickering, etc was very nice. She won't give that opinion to me, but I really don't need it because I felt like we had a great night. So we go for a bike ride with kiddos and then guess what??? Back to the bedroom for a mid-afternooner. Same as the last time, this will be the last time we do this, no kissing on the mouth, yada yada. Was pretty nice from my point of view but afterwards the same response as Thursday of "there was no emotional connection. I thought that I was just horney, but now I realize I want to feel close to someone."

I let that one hang there in the silence. So we continue thorugh our day, cuddle on the couch and watch a movie. Kids played outside all day and she and I got to just be togehter, there were a few moments of the old verbiage from her and even a couple of backslides of my trying to justify myself. But all in all a good day.

Later in the evening we get everyone ready to go to the HS football game in the neighborhood. She and I get all dressed up for the Florida cold and playfully talk about the night. S7 was leaving from the came to sleep over at his friend and we thought S4 would be coming home with us. Yes, with us as I was asked again to stay on Friday.

So we goto the game, and have a great time. At one point she tells me that she wishes she had some coco, so I had to go to the men's room and came back with some coco for her. To which she responded, "Who are you have we met?". 180 at it's finest she knows that I would love to watch the game, but to go and get that for her I think got some serious points.

After the game little S wants to sleep over at the neighbors so we let him. She and I go home and are so cold, we crawl into bed and spoon all night again!

SATURDAY ---

This is the night that she is to be going with her friend and also the day that the mood changed slightly. So I get up again and make my superstar breakfast that she loves, invite the neighbor over for some and have a wonderful meal. I take the time to clean the kitch and do the dishes, again a 180 that I actually enjoy!

After breakfast I have to get both S's ready for a Bday party in town. And we leave, she and I don't really talk other than to confirm that she will be leaving at about 6:30 for her girls night. Boys and I have a great time at the party but I developed a killer headache. Get home and she is in bed with her bikini top and some underwear on. She asks me to check her out because she was lying outback naked all day trying to tan up. I get in bed and tell her about my headache and ask if I could have a little nap before keeping the kids again all night.
Somehow, we made a left turn at this point. We were kindof being intimate and then she got up and told me that she couldn't give me the wrong impression anymore and that I need to accept that this is over.
She began to get ready for her night out and asked me to help iron some clothes etc. Then she left and S's and I went to a freinds house to watch movies.
Well, I expected that she would call on her way home from her night. But she didn't she showed up at 3am a little drunk and fell into the bed and got close to me to spoon. She woke me and we talked a little and she mentioned that she wanted to call me to come and join them but she didn't. Oh, well.

I get up early on Sunday, knowing that she will be hanging and make breakfast, feed the boys etc. Then take her breakfast in bed, newspaper, coffee. She was surprised and said, "you can't keep this asskissing up for ever you know?"

I said that the difference between asskissing and what I am doing, is that asskissing is designed to get me out of trouble and done for the benefit of the person that is on the receiving end. What I am doing is very selfish, because it makes me feel great! I am doing these things for me! She smiled!

I then told her that I was taking S's to church and I thought there was a picnic afterwards if she wanted to join us she could. Get home from Church and she is starting to have anxeity due to not finding clothes to wear to the picnic when she gets a call from her boss asking if she could do a party that afternoon near our house. She decided to take it and I went to the picnic with boys to play football with the guys for the afternoon.

I thought she was going to join us for a little bit at the picnic, and when she did not show, I called her to see what was up. She decided that she did not have time, but was sorry and told me that she will pick-up dinner and stuff to make my favorite cookies on her way home. She called a couple of more times, because she needed directions and had gotten lost over by the theme parks and she knows that is an area that I know well.

Well, on one of those calls I asked her what she wanted to do that night and she let into me that we are still getting a D and that she feels bad that she has given me the wrong impression the last few days etc. I asked her if she wanted me to go back to the home I have been staying and she got very angry and told me that of course I am going back there and that she does not care how hard this is on me or the couple that I am staying with that I have made my bed and need to accept it. This is over etc...

I tried to diffuse that conversation, as I think as I get deeper into this that she fights back when she is stressed and pushes back on me. In this conversation she mentioned that the computer is broken and she can't run her business like this and that our lives are a mess etc. She was stressed about everything but me and I think that she needed that time to attack from the weekend of closeness that we may have had.

Well, I got off of the phone and went about my 180's like Dom has suggested. I cleaned the house, ran the vac, mopped the floors, clipped the dogs nails, bath for the dog, played with the kids, 3 loads of laundry, and the coup de grace cleaned out the garage! In between, I was able to listen to the soundtrack to Les Miz and watch my beloved Broncos lose to the Bears.

Well, called her about 7:30 to see what was up, because if I was to go back to where I had been staying I would need to take the kids with me because bedtime on school nights is 8:30 and I needed to feed them and bath yet. She told me she was just leaving her party and would be home soon. But, she got lost and needed me to help her get home over the phone.... I told her not to worry about dinner and cookies that I would take care of things for th boys and I.

She got home about 8:40, boys were in bed with baths. House was clean, I had done more laundry and the list from above. She came home and crashed on the couch. She asked me to help her with some work stuff and as we were talking about it she said I wish you would get more involved in my business.

I asked her what I could do to help her? She did not respond, but she was sitting next to me.

So later she asked me when I was leaving, I told her I had some clothes in the dryer and as soon as it was done I would get out. She asked if I would watch a Christmas movie with her that she used to watch when she was a girl. I told her that I would. So we watched the movie for a while when she told me she was ready for bed and asked if I would come up and rub her back. I asked if she wanted me to stay and she said it's not a good idea. I agreed.
Got upstairs and we started talking again, I tried to drive the coversation in a different direction, but she was in control. It was about all of this and that she wants me to stop trying so hard that it is not doing any good to kiss her ass. She told me she is very confused right now, because she wants to be with me only because she doesn't want to be alone and that we are comfortable and she does not want to spend time with me because I am comfortable and have to break my heart.

She aslo told me that she will never let me break her heart again and that she does not feel the same way about me anymore. Then she attacked the changes and told me that eventually I will give up. She knows that I can not keep this up, because she knows that I will cheat on her again and that I will lie again and that I will be lazy again "sooner or later".

So, I agreed and validated. I explained to her why I am trying so hard, that it makes me feel wonderful. I did not mention her, just my feelings. It makes me feel good to know that you are taken care of, it makes me feel good to make your life easier etc. But I don't love you anymore.

I know!

Well, she asked me if I would stay again. I rubbed her back and she feel asleep. In the am got up and had S7 off to school with lunch packed clothes, etc. S4 had eaten breakfast and I was showered and ready to go.

Went to the bedroom to say goodbye to her. She asked me not to stay anymore until we goto C on Thursday that she is afraid that she is giving me the wrong idea. I said Ok! I then gave her a kiss on the cheek and said I love you. She responded in kind....

Sorry so long, but that is the weekend. Here are some brief sitches/questions that I have about this weekend if you have made it this far maybe you can offer some wisdom.

* There were no less than 4 times this weekend where she admitted that she is trying to open her heart to me. But each time within a few minutes she immediately would tell me that this is over.
* At one point she was joking about how quickly she could get D'd, I said we could do it as quickly as she wanted. She then asked me if I meant that and she thought that I would work on this. I told her that I would and that I too was joking, to which she gave me a hug.
* She asked me if I would take her on a cruise for her B-day with the cruise I won through work.
* She made mention several times that she will never be able to trust me and that she knew it was over when she didn't care if I cheated again or not.

I think that we are moving in the right direction, I am scared about this back and forth, but I understand that is part of the process. When you look at this in its entirity 6 weeks ago she would not let me touch her and now I have made love to her and get to spoon her on the couch. 6 weeks ago, I was not in her lifeplan and now she at least makes a few comments here and there about me in the future.

Anythoughts.... sorry for the length of this post.

[Dom R]

Wow... sounds like you are doing fantastic! Way to start headingn in the right direction!
And you're even handling the "downs" like a pro! that's great!!

Seems like she's really enjoying the "new you". Basically, just enjoying it "while it lasts", and waiting for you to "fail", or "tire out".
So... just stick to things that you can do "for the rest of your life", so you dont ever tire out.. simple, huh?

if you could just figure out a way to keep her computer working, I think she would be on cloud 9.... even if she wont admit it to you

[houndfan]

Yeah,

Funny, being this super professional VP of my company and I can not figure out IT stuff to save my butt.

I have a conversation with the IT manager this afternoon to make that work....

Thanks for the feedback.

[fish]

Hound

I think you are doing fantastic! You and I are in a similar situation and should keep in touch.

Just returned from a 5 day weekend with my W and daughter. Went very well.

While we did not make love, we did talk about it. She said she thought it would be a bad idea.

We did sleep in the same bed, which is absolutely amazing to me considering where we were 7 weeks ago. Did some hugging and kissing, but nothing more.

Right now, like you, we are at a standstill.

Says she has a lot of decisions to make, is not ready for me to move into the house and never wants to be miserable again. I told her that the idea was to start a new life togehter.

This is really hard. The 5 day weekend was very tricky.

Let's keep in touch.

[houndfan]

Fish -

PM me with an email address....

[houndfan]

And it resumes.

After several days of feeling like I had my family back, we have resumed the seperation. I have been asked to go back to where I had been staying again with the I don't want to give you the wrong idea speach as well as I don't want you to think that you are moving back in.

Last night I went to the house afterwork to drop off some things that she needed and to fix the Computer (done deal BTW). She asked if I would stay for some TV, we spooned on the couch a little then she asked if I would give her a back rub on the floor. Done.

During the backrub she mentioned to me that her friend said that in Florida we could get a no-contest D and resolve custody for about $300. That is the first she had mentioned something like that. She also mentioned that she would like an Erotic Massage book WTF....

Anyhow, when she wanted to go to bed I knew that I would be leaving, so I went up gave the boys kisses and went in to give her a hug. It was the first hug in days that was very sterile.

She asked if I was ok to which I said yes, but that this was hard after being with her for so many days. She said that she knows and that she is grieving the loss of her marriage and needs to be alone. I agreed and left.

This am I get a call to help with S7 off to school and I could not do it and I could tell that she was upset.

This rollercoaster sucks. I know that she had said that we should not sleep together until we go to MC thursday, but I am so anxious for the visit. And then to have her tell me last night how much she appreciates all that I have done for her in the last week or so and that I don't have to do it knowing that she is loeaving me just really put me in a down place.

Normally my Tuesday men's group puts me in a better mood, but not this week. I hope I have the strength to weather all of this....