I think you're right new2moro I think he would twist it around and make it validation for what he's doing. I'm not going to say anything to him but it really kills me the way he ignores our S. Willitend you are right also I do have to be the adult in the house because right now my H is acting like a teenager. I also step back and watch the way my H acts because I dont know what he's going to do next and I'm trying to figure out what stage he is in. For a while it seemed like he was in replay but now it seems like he may be in depression but I'm really not sure. Lately he doesn't come home until really late and he only talks to me when he has to and when he is at home he stays in the den by himself. It's really sad because when I see those commercials on TV for depression it's like I see my H in those commercials. I really think he's in depression but maybe he just hates being around me and my s so he hides in the den. I wish I knew why he hates me so much. I'm going to try to have patience with H but with everything he is doing to me and S it's really hard.
My heart truly goes out to you --- you are going through what I went through about 9 months ago --- I could not understand why my husband hated me so much -- he moved out a year ago and when he came round to see the kids at the weekend he would bring coffee (& lunch) for them & not for me, he would go out of his way to be spiteful to me --- he would not even glance in my direction and if he had to say something --he would face the wall and have the 'yes'/'no' conversation --- as for the twisting --- H should have been a lawyer. It has been extremely difficult on my children S15, D19 but they now understand that he is "confused" and they help him.. At that point I read everything (& am still reading) about MLC, I had a phone session with Jim Conway, I have just ordered a book by Derek Milne 'Coping with Midlife Crisis' ---- I now have some sort of idea what he is going through --- he has very painful issues which only he can resolve - you cannot help him --- dont try & figure the stages ---- they come and go. From my experience, I will make the following suggestions:
1). Detach 2). Face your fears - you will find happiness within by doing this 3). Be positive around your husband -- do not fuss around him --- --- if he wants to sit in the den --- let him --- he is dealing with his issues. You have to tell yourself that your husband is "not well" - help him by being kind & patient no matter what he says to you. You have to learn not take anything he says personally. 4). Focus on yourself and your son --- you need to be in the right frame of mind if you want to help your husband. Get out of the house, join a gym, take up a hobby, volunteer, talk to your friends, take yourself back to the time before you got married, have fun, visit family, make an effort with your appearance (wear make up, H, sexy clothes, perfume - Jims Conways advice), have flowers around the house --- your husband is in depression -- so you need to lift your spirits ---- do this for you
5). Time -- treat this period as a long vacation --- this is likely to go on for years ---- so be kind to yourself and your son. --- stop worrying about your husband ---- he will heal quicker if he knows and your son are okay.
VS My h also does not connect with kids the way he did prior MLC He comes here and either takes them to movies, gameroom, mall or dinner or just sits in front of tv with them..I dont hear him talk a lot..sometimes he sleeps here my kids 6 and 12, so they love daddy time cause it always involves ice cream candy and gameroom or spending I am stuck with all the real parental responsibilities peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
I am stuck with all the real parental responsibilities
I know this seems tough, but try and look on it as a privilege. You are the real parent: anyone can do what your h is doing.
It may seem hard on you, but who would you really rather be? If you can look on it as a gift, it will help, truly. Mental attitude is so important. There are some great posters here with young children, who make their lives with their kids as much fun as possible, like Lissie and Shades.
I try and do the same with my older kids - we do fantastic stuff together, and are storing up memories of this time that are positive.
You can make it, with a better r with your kids than ever. An experienced friend told me that, right after the bomb, and she was so right.
Thank you everyone for ALL of your great advice I really appreciate it more than you will ever know. It's great to have people who understand what you are going through. Today is my sons 4th birthday and for me it has been really hard. I tried to make his birthday as nice as possible. I took my S out to lunch after nursery school and then we came home because my H said that he would stop by. H came by about 3:00 and we had cake and opened presents, H only stayed for an hour. I really thought that he would at least want to go out to dinner with us but no such luck. H went back to work after the cake I really wish that he would have at least spent some time with S. I just dont understand why he didn't even want to spend some time with our son on his 4th birthday. It just kills me that he used to be such a great dad and now nothing. We do have a party planned for Saturday but H has his friends and family coming so he'll spend the whole party with them. Why do the mlc people act like this I mean it's his son why cant he just try to be a good dad for one day? I know my s doesn't know what's going on but it just kills me that H has changed this much. It's so hard to see a man who used to be such a great dad and now he's just so not. Doesn't he realize what he's doing? I feel so drained and tired because our s has so much energy and I'm trying to play mommy and daddy. I play baseball with s and I've never played baseball in my whole life so I dont even know what I'm doing but I try for our s. My H used to play baseball with s but since mlc he doesn't do anything with him and I know that my s misses that and I just dont know what to do. A lot of people on this board told me not to tell H what a bad dad he is being and I know they are right but it's really killing me and I just dont know what to do. Sorry to ramble on I guess I just had to let it out because today has been so hard for me. Thanks for listening and I would love any advice or thoughts that anyone might have.
Hi everyone - I also wanted to add that saturday is H birthday and I dont know what to do. I bought him gifts and I'm making a cake but I dont want to make him uncomfortable. Also after the way H was on our s birthday I dont want to do too much. I dont want H to think that I'm pursuing him and I'm still really upset that H didn't do anything for s birthday except to come home for cake for 1 hour and then left. I hate that he is not the father to our s that he used to be.
Thanks Jeanette thats just what I'll do. I have a small gift from s and I did get a cake but only because I still want things to be normal for our 4 year old son. I just emailed my H to tell him that I have found a lawyer and I need to just pay the retainer but I still haven't heard back from H. I'm so nervous and scared about the divorce but it's what H wants so I have no choice. I have been a stay at home mom for 4 years now and before that I was a receptionist so I'm really worried about how I'm going to support s and I. I think I am going to go back to school and get a career on the advice of my L but I'm just so scared about what will happen to s and I. Right now we live in a house with a big backyard that my s just loves and I hate the idea of moving him into an apartment with no backyard. I grew up in an apartment and I really loved the fact that H and I bought a house for our son to grow up in but now I guess it's back to an apartment and I know that my son will be upset and he wont understand why we cant live in a house. I hate my H for what he's doing to our s. Not only did son lose his dad (h hardly ever plays with s anymore) but now he's going to lose his house and backyard. I just feel bad for my son.
Hi everyone - I have a question that maybe someone can help me with. My H dropped the bomb in march and at first he was really mean and distant but now he's been acting nicer towards me and not as distant. Anyway I thought that things were getting better between us because we've been talking(not about R) and he's been laughing with me and looking me in the eye. I really thought that he was coming around but then yesterday he told me to retain my lawyer. I think my H is in the depression stage so what I was wondering is H doing touch and go's with me? Also I've read that they dont come back to there spouses until the end of withdrawal and I was wondering if they do still come back even if they are pushing for a D. Right now it seems that my H really wants this D but is there a chance that when he does get to withdrawal that his mind could just change? I just dont see how he would change his mind because the retainer fee is kind of expensive and at first he was a little upset about the price but after he got his Christmas bonus he told me to pay the retainer. Anyway I guess I'm just hoping that he'll stop the D but until then I have to go with the D. Could he change his mind and stop the D when he gets to withdrawal or when it gets to the point where we have retained L does that mean I have no hope. I really cant imagine him paying all of this money for the L and then not going through with D but all I can do is hope. Thanks for listening and any advice would be appreciated.
Don't panic. Some come back even after the divorce. Some file, but then stop. Don't try to pu thim in a box, as far as what 'stage' he is in, but I think your analysis could be roght. Anyway, the real point is this doesn't really change anything.
What you are doing really seems to be working. I wouldn't mess with that.
