I've been in many of the same places as you and IMexperience the not drinking thing can only yield results with time - there's no way your W will believe anything you say on this. All you can do is hope to be given time to prove to her that you mean what you say through actions.
Thankfully, you have seen the futility of pleading, begging etc.
For me the bomb was the kick in the whatsits to sit up and ask myself where my life was heading and if staring at the bottom of a wine glass was helping me get there. Obviously it was not and that was the turning point. But your W, like mine, has probably heard empty promises before and doesn't believe them any more.
Whatever happens you now have an opportunity to get sober and stay sober for your kids, who, no matter what happens will have and will need a dad. Not drinking might seem like a piece of cake at the moment but your W needs to see that this change is here to stay. Only time is going to offer this proof. Your W will be thinking of your kids and whats best for them. This may well work in your favour as she's unlikely to want to make any sudden moves. Use this time effectively!
Now's the opportunity to be the dad they deserve and the one you want to be.
For me this whole expereince has been a salvation and has enabled me to get a proper perspective on life but I have had to spend months quietly working on myself and GettingAL. Shouting about your changes is unlikely to have any positive effect, quite possibly the opposite.
I think the best you can do is to deal with things so that the changes you have to make to deal with the house arrest impact as little as poss on W and kids and to make all attempts to put them up there as number 1 in this. At same time take opportunity to get on with DBing quiety and consistently. Your W and kids need calm.
You recognise that W has to be the one to deal with her issues. This means that up and down times are likely to come as she works these out. Your commitment to you R will be sorely tested here and you need to sort out your anchor points pretty quicky and make sure they're gonna hold fast in a storm.
On the possible EA/PA I would advise ignoring this. IMO dwelling on this possibility will not help you and challenging her about it is unlikely to result in any good. Here's an opportunity to 180 - by overtly trusting her or adopting a stance that assumes and exudes trust. I did this and it def paid off - at a point where my trust in W was pretty low I took S away for a long weekend leaving her to do whatever. But, what I was doing was entrusting her with my trust. It was a pretty powerful message I think -at the point at which she thought I was unable to trust her at all I did. Going away is prob tricky for you but are there any other moves you can make that underline your trust?
You could also do with sorting out some positive family experiences. Short, focused and positive. At present, IMO, she sees few positives. You need to provide some evidence that will challenge that view.
In my sitch, that has had the by-product of W challenging me as "being super-Dad - all of a sudden". This is likely to happen and this is a challenge, not made consiously I don't think, but as a result in W being unbelieving of the changes. This is a googly which you have to be sharp enough to spot and make sure it doesn't knock you off course. This will be the point at which you have to be big enough to step further up to the mark by maintaining changes and being consistent.
Many people on this board refer to the need for patience and consistany. These have to become your middle names! Also I have seen reference to aiming small, missing small. I have learnt to lower my expectations significantly and honestly this was a really good move.
GFI
Me: 40ish W: 40ish Together: 20 ish years Married: 10ish Years
