Welp, sex didn't pan out with the Man magnet persona of yesterday. And I'm pretty sure I know why. Surface reason is because I didn't feel like it. My SD over the last few days feels like a dried up prune.
I find it curious. I know what to do to get out of it. I just don't want to right now, which means I'm pissed off, deep down inside. It's bubbling up to the surface. I've been kind of waiting for the light bulb to click on. I think it has.
Right before Thanksgiving, my dad calls and says his car had broken down, he's not sure he can make it for Thanksgiving. I pay to have his car fixed. $800. I don't have the money to do this, but he can't not have his car, as he is a courier for a living. He's 74. Dealing with Blood Pressure and post-Prostate cancer issues. He shouldn't be working at all... but he wants to, to keep himself busy. I understand that. He needs a purpose. His car needs fixing. Period. My siblings... don't help. My mother hears... she is covering the cost out of her company. This is not her problem. She says this is a problem I can't afford. "I'm paying," she says. Boom. Done.
I tell BF 'bout it all. BF gets... agitated. Says he will help me with it. Why, I says? We are dating. He says, No, you are my family... I think of you as my wife. He meant it as a compliment, but man did it piss me off.
Well, I hate to burst your bubble, I say, but I am not your family and I am not your wife. We are dating, and MY family issues are not your problem. (Buying me stuff.... is one thing. Something he does because he wants to.) That didn't sit real well with him, but I really wasn't worried about it sitting well with him.
I'm NOT playing House here, with you. kwis? I told him my mother was covering it, and I have every intention of hounding all my siblings so my mother doesn't have to do this, as it is not her problem. But I can't afford to not take her help right now. Sucks. But. There you go.
And then, as I'm working through my pissed off-ness... the light bulb clicks on. I AM playing house. I didn't think I was, but that is exactly what my 'actions' have been doing.
There's that lovely saying... 'why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free.' Assuming that I am a cow in search of a farmer to take me home with him, that makes a lot of sense.
I'm not in the market for a farmer, but that is exactly how I am acting. And by 'playing house,' I'm giving away my milk for free.
This isn't making a bit of sense.... let me try again.
I am not my bf's wife. But I think out of 16 years of conditioning, I am behaving like a wife, not a girlfriend. Meaning, as a wife, I cook, I clean, I take care of my family's emotional well being. BF was here for thanksgiving, but rather than feeling like a guest in my home, whom I had invited to share MY family Thanksgiving, he felt like a pseudo H. Yet, because I am single in reality, I'm taking care of the expenses of thanksgiving, and all the other man type stuff. BF is sitting there like a bump on a log. Well. He went and bought xMas lights to decorate a tree in my front yard, and he did clean out my front gutters when I asked if he would (they were jam packed with leaves). He ran errands. And as any guest might be, he was acting a bit put out by it all. Even though he likes to think of me as his wife.
And this is NOT BF's fault. It's mine. I'm the one setting it up this way. I'm really pissed at myself. Well. Not anymore. I've figured out what I'm doing.
When I 'play house,' he might 'feel' like an H, but he doesn't act like one. He asks me what's okay to do and not do around my house. Or like with my dad. He brings it up for conversation.
In my mind, if you are the man, and you are going to BE the man, you DO it. You don't ask me. You do or you don't. You may INFORM me. If you want my input, you might ASK me. But then you go and DO. Or not. Period.
But I'm throwing a monkey wrench into the whole cycle because I've said one thing (I'm a girlfriend), yet I'm doing another (behaving like a wife). It is confusing the entire fcking relationship, throwing everything completely off-balance, and the very worst part of it all is, it's killing my sex drive. BECAUSE... when you are a girlfriend, who acts like a wife... you eventually become a MOTHER. A COW who gives away her milk for free (a woman who has no dam boundaries). And if you do something really stupid, like get married once this entire scenario has been established, you deal with R issues for the rest of your life.
I did that the first time around, with my xH.
K. Sorry folks. Just venting. Had to get all this down so I can go back and read it, over and over again.
