I guess I am unsure of what I want to write now. Today was equally promising and discouraging. We went for a walk, my entire family, sisters and parents and spouses at a local park. I had a great time with my kids. Then this PM W, I and kids went to lunch and then spent the afternoon together. W and I got alone great. Then kids and I went with my parents to cut their christmas tree and W stayed home. After dinner we played Scattegories and W was so distant from me. I was SO excited because we had so many same answers....I wanted desperately for her to just make eye contact with me and smile, but she wouldn't. She was SO friendly to the rest of my family. I feel so lost.
I am very emotional as I write this post. I know I shouldn't think about myself, but I am writing for your support. I know some will post back with and your responses will shame me for being so self centered. I am not thinking of the other woman but of the hurt I have caused her and how I don't even know who she is now. I want to know her, and I love her. I am trying not to rationalize...I keep saying how could she come here and have such a good time with my family and I and then just divorce me.....I know I hurt her for so long. I cannot even begin to describe how much hurt i have inside right now. I know she is right to feel the way she does. I hate myself right now.
The LRT, for me it is hard. I know it is what I have to do. Why is it hard for me, and why do my feelings matter....because as I am supposed to act As If and be interesting and not pathetic requires me to ignore the overtly hurtful things she is doing to me. Do I sound selfish now, to some yes. What I am trying to express is my sorrow and regret and desperation to love my wife, as I have, and to make her happy. my mom says she sees the love in my W, but I seem to just notice the rebuffs.
I am writing for your support. I feel lost and I am so sad. How could I have done this. Three years ago I was did not have the skill and self awareness I do now. How can I measure what works and what doesn't when I never knew in the first place. I want to remain married to my wife and love her forever. She seems now to want to hurt me. I know I hurt her and I can't imagine what I have done to her.
So, I am showing my vulnerability. I am NOT going to the OW. I want my wife and my family. I will continue to fight. I hurt, I ache, I am crying and I feel pathetic.
