Jenny Sorry for your pain My H has said similar things The m has been over for years.. IDLYA then he ran ran ran I think he is still running only he looks more depressed H also said Ill be here for the kids and he does show up 4x week to take them to activities and dinner The whole thing is such a mess we just have to take care of ourselves and our kids Its hard to understand why a guy who seemingly has everything woulf just walk so hang on -we are all here with you peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Hi Jenny. Regarding defending yourself without being defensive...
I think RCR put it best "Do not fear the anger. Be consistent. His goal is to be angry at you so you break. Your goal is to be loving to him--softening his anger and paving a safe path home. The road is paved with consistency."
Consistency is the key. That doesn't mean you have to do whatever he wants. If you are not ready to pump, stand firm. If you are not ready to sell, stand firm. You have rights and you deserve respect. Passive resistance, I suppose. Don't accept anything less than what you deserve. You are doing great. You are not feeding into his anger, but you are holding your boundaries. You are amazing! You are doing so well. Really, you are. No one said it would be easy.
Me29 H33 D9 months S2 S9(previous R) Sep 8-19-07 I file 11-5-07 H home (Retro) 2-15-08 "Today is the tomorrow of yesterday." -- S9
Thanks nephartiti, I really appreciate the words of encouragement. I feel like I'm doing all I can...but obviously I'm not seeing results. Sometimes I feel his anger is a negative reaction to my DB'ing, but other times I'm comforted by it in some strange way. What I mean is that it is so unreasonable...that the only explanation is "he is REALLY messed up". And there is comfort in knowing he is really messed up! Consistency is my goal...never been my strong suit (I am a Gemini), but I keep saying this my journey and opportunity for growth as much as it is his. J~
It really does amaze me how well you are doing. My baby was two months old when my sitch went crazy and I just about fell apart at the seams. You were dealing with this at the end of your pregnancy and with a newborn! I would totally understand if you were the one being angry and slamming doors. The fact that you are holding it all together and DBing on top of it is astounding.
This is your journey. No matter what happens with your H, you will come out a stronger person. I'm so sorry you have to use your energy defending yourself when you should be able to just enjoy this precious time with your baby.
You and your family are in my prayers. Take care, Jenny.
Me29 H33 D9 months S2 S9(previous R) Sep 8-19-07 I file 11-5-07 H home (Retro) 2-15-08 "Today is the tomorrow of yesterday." -- S9
Hi Peace, I'm tired today. Had both kids to myself tonight, usually I'm ok but today I'm lacking energy. They can be exhausting. I've felt pretty beat up emotionally lately about H's unprovoked anger toward me. It's like he doesn't even see me as a human being any more and I've got to have pretty thick skin to keep it in perspective and not let him drag me down.
H has been semi-civil to me the last 2 days when he is here to pick up or drop off D. Not nice by any means, but not glaring mad. I had a conversation with a mutual friend on Sunday who has really only seen his perspective and she shed some interesting light on how he's portraying himself to others. He's making himself the good guy and has everyone fooled. She did say though that for the first time she's seeing the pent up anger in him...and that he is obviously mad at anyone opposing his decisions. I'm just trying to sit back and let him show his true colours to others. I feel as though we're building up to some breaking point with him...I'm just scared how much worse it will get before he does actually crack. Others are voicing their opinions about how wrong it is for him to suggest selling the house right now...if the right people tell him this (his 2 best friends whose opinions probably matter the most to him) it might start to spark some changes. I'm hoping for the best...but at this point not expecting it.
He's starting to shut a lot of people out including his mom and sisters (and he's living with them) so it seems he's going further into his tunnel. I find comfort in knowing the stages of the MLC and how scripted he has been to them up until this point. But he has been in replay for a while now and i have no idea what it will take to trigger the awakening. I'm just waiting and taking care of me and the kids in the meantime. And trying to stall this selling the house business!! Thanks for checking in. J~
M 35 H 29 M 4 yrs T 9 yrs D 3 S born 10/19/07 Bomb 09/10/07 Separated next day OW - broke up and H moved out 09/07/08 Status - still figuring this out
Today was a bit tough. I almost broke down in the grocery store thinking about Christmas and how I won't be doing H's stocking. All it took was the men's deoderant aisle to trigger it.
I'm a bit obsessed at the moment about the stages of the MLC and where my H is in the process. What signs should I be looking for in him to know where he's at? It would seem he is in the darkest part of the tunnel right now and I hope he doesn't stay there much longer! Or that it doesn't get darker which it certainly has the potential to do. I'd really appreciate any feedback on this from anyone with more experience/knowledge on these stages. J~
i have no idea what it will take to trigger the awakening.
Forget about triggering; that is not how it works. It has been said a few times that a crisis started this and it takes a crisis to bring them out. That is not true. For some, a crisis will shake them out, but not most it seems.
My friend Lingy's husband's crisis trigger was 5 or 6 deaths, one of which was almost Lingy. She and her MLCers mother were in the same hoispital on different floors. Lingy lived, her MIL did not. But in the 4-5 years since, Lingy has had bypass, something else I cannot recall, and maybe even another thing...it seems like a few major issues with her health. Each time, her MLCer (who has been home all but 4 months of his MLC) apologizes, does a great job taking care of her, and then within a few weeks reverts back to the OW.
They aren't triggered out of the crisis. Most will not suddenly wake up sane and whole again. It is a slow process. The grow out of it. It is a process of integrating the Self and it takes TIME.
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I'm a bit obsessed at the moment about the stages of the MLC and where my H is in the process. What signs should I be looking for in him to know where he's at? It would seem he is in the darkest part of the tunnel right now and I hope he doesn't stay there much longer! Or that it doesn't get darker which it certainly has the potential to do.
Being obsessed with the stages is normal. Given your newness here, I will say he is in Replay and will be there for a long time. Long is measured in years in TLC/MLC.
Forget signs. Forget watching him...it's like a watched pot, but unlike the pot, he senses eyes upon him and it may truly be slower rather than merely seem slower.
This tunnel gets MUCH darker. For ME this stage where you are was the most painful, thus it felt darkest. But that was because it was new and raw. With TIME, I healed while Sweetheart continued into the depths.
There ae things for which it makes sense to hang our Hopes, and things for which Hope is an inappropriate hanger. Hope is not a place to hang Timelines.
He will proceed through this crisis at the pace meant for him. That is lilkey a pace much slower than your Hopes. Accept that this is God's Time, not yours.
Jenny RCR is right this does take time and im always looking at the stages as well hoping if I could just see a sign of depression- and then I do but it still takes time so in the mean time we figure out how to take care of ourselves better and our kids start forming a new life to some degree with new friends maybe a class or career change we stay busy and try to focus on life instead of H (easier said than done) peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
