Willing to be disturbed...

[ediemarie]

Thanks everyone for stopping by! I hope you all had a great holiday!

Redhead - I certainly haven't reached ULTIMATE detachment considering that I have checked my cell phone 100 times this weekend expecting H to call. I am working on it though,
at least I don't have my cell phone on me - it stays in the bedroom and I'm usually elsewhere in the house. You mentioned freeing the spouse - letting them go to see if they will come
back - so true - so difficult. For me, it has been the living with the fear of things not working out - the fear of H just walking away for good without looking back that has prevented me from truly freeing him. YOu can't free someone until you are comfortable with the prospect of that someone never returning. That is tough stuff. I'm not totally comfortable with it, but I'm keep thinking that if H were going to leave, he would have left already. I've made his life a little too comfortable around the house, for various reasons, none of them justifiable.

Saffie - thank you for coming by! I hope all is well with you. I've been following your heat sitch - hope you are finally warm! And, I hope all is well with your horse. I'm not one for
animals really, but I have ridden a few times - I'm certainly no pro and end up terrified everytime I get on a horse. It's fun tho.

Limbo - it's been a long road and I feel like I've just gotten on it. I am so glad to read about all the positives with you and your H. I'm so glad you are going to CORE. That's awesome!

LWB - my H has actually said that he wanted our R to complete him. At the time he said this, I just said that I didn't believe it was possible for anyone to complete another - in my mind
I was thinking, Darling, you ARE NOT Jerry McGuire!

Cat - I'm sorry that depression has reared its ugly head - that's not good. I am still working at the releasing bit - that's tough. It is exponentially difficult considering we live under the same roof. But I'm constantly thinking of ways in which I can stretch my legs and make some movements without him.

Believing - I've read your thread on and off for awhile. Your story resonated with me - especially with the struggles you've had with the Christian community...so much to say on this topic...

Journaling:

A recent conversation overheard between my Mom and my 3 yr old neice:
Neice: Grandma, can I look in your ears?
Grandma: Sure, of course you can. (G'ma turns her head so Neice can look)
N: eeewww...it's dark in there. Can I look in your mouth?
G: of course you can. (G'ma opens her mouth wide)
N: ooohhh...it's dark in there too, and I can see all of your cabidees (cavities). Grandma, can I look in your nose?
G: sure can. (g'ma tilts her head back)
N: WOW! It sure is dark in there too and full of cobwebs!!

I'm spending the weekend with my 4 neices (ranging in age from 1 to 8), my Bro, SIL, MOm and Dad. It is so relaxing and enjoyable. A much needed reprieve from the chaos at home. H decided to stay home - not that I really invited him to come along. (I'm 4 hours from home) All he has to do to be apart of things is to ask - he doesn't ask, he doesn't get to go. I miss having him around, but it's nice not having him around too.

The Thanksgiving Parade was alot of fun! I don't know if I'd do it again - at least not for a long while. We had a great place to view the parade and we couldn't have asked for better weather.
I would have preferred if we were with my folks for the holiday (traditionally H's parents, and my whole family have T-day together - it just didn't work out that way this year), but I'm
glad that we did something completely different. Going to the parade made it ok to not be "home" for the holiday.

So, I head home tomorrow - not looking forward to it. I would love to stay in this cocoon of love FOREVER, but that isn't reality. On top of all that, I have a major cold coming on - feels like there are razor blades in my throat - yick.

I have really missed posting and hearing from all of you. I've been reading and following you guys, tho. I'll swing by your threads sometime tomorrow....I'm off to gargle with salt water...blech.