FLTC: from Iraq; Continued

[mkultra]

I agree with both what and Dave.

MCing with someone who has their eyes out the window and lies and is cold is an awful experience! It makes me think it was a waste of time especially when they just roll their eyes and you are sinking in the ocean and they do not even throw a lifesaver!

And Dave is right on about how the WAS rationalizes how the can leave their own kids. The may blame, be in denial, basically act like an addict. I just have to keep reminding myself that my H is on the same level as a homeless teen or a crack addict. Someone who leaves a home and family to lead an alternative lifestyle free from responsibilities and morals.

Holidays can be rough. You are far from home so that makes it much harder. We have several guys home for a few days and they are still having a rough time actually being home. Yep, a real let down in the relationships department for some of these guys who come home.

For me, a real source of strength have been some of these military wives who have been cheated on and let by their Hs. Some are bitter so I avoid them, but some are strong.

I wish you strength and hope for a better future. I almost feel like we will both be better off without all this lunacy someday.

[FLTC]

Thanks to all of you for replying. I have taken your advice and bought a non-descript birthday card tonight. Tough to do here when you have a limited choice and have to sort through the "To The Love of My Life" cards

I called home yesterday. W. answered the phone. Spoke for about 8 seconds and then she immediately said "let me put D16 on the phone" D16 is home from Utah from the school for "out-of-control" kids.

I was with my "brothers" on Thanksgiving, and I understand how all guys want to do when they go home is get back here. It's tough to leave friends and work undone, regardless of how one feels about our involvement here, it is INTENSITY personified.

Yeah, you all are right, Dave mk, Matlilda, Hill, COG, what, we need to let go for our own benefit. I think being in Iraq for a year, and being on the high-intensity mobilization train since last January will change me WAY for the better.

I had to counsel a fellow senior officer who works for me for chasing a junior NCO 23 years younger than him! A real no-no in the Army, for a real good reason. He's got a wife who loves him and 4 kids. I want to call him a stupid shi*, but I remained professional, but let him know straight away that he made an egregious error. His career may be over for it...and you know what?...I don't care. Stay away from the help!

Waht can we do? Just try and be happy for ourselves, and try and drive on.

I really appreciate you all writing to me!

[mkultra]

See how DBing can us and others!! I use the DB techniques in other aspects of my life also. I am proud of you for counseling others so they may see the consequences as they are in such a fog. How awful that people fall for these stupid feelings instead of making right choices. It is incredible but maybe we all do it, well at least half of us according to statistics! How do we know how to hook up with the better half???

[COG]

I think it's important to realize, that the things we go through make us who we are.

Those MC sessions with a WAS who dispises you, wants nothing to do with you, but is just going through the motions so that they can say they tried. The Retrouvaille, weekend retreats, books, etc. etc. We have to realize that all of those experiences happen for a reason.

As a LBS, it is so easy to rest comfortably in disbelief that our S's could leave us, the kids, everything for another life. What's wrong with them? How could another human being do this? Be alert my friends. Our WAS's have made it so EASY for us to blame them, that we forget how flawed we are also.

All those agonzing counseling sessions were meant for US! I stayed in denial, blaming my WAS, focusing on her shortcomings, her weaknesses, her failings, that I never took the time to look at myself. My sitch, my ice block of a WAS, began to change the day that I let her go and turned my focus onto ME!

God Bless the struggle!

COG

[mkultra]

I agree completely. I recognize that I have also rewritten history. I was so busy DBing I would forget that it was me that wanted a divorce first! I was also in denial and perhaps having a MLC, well not a major one I just wanted to improve my appearance!

Denial is powerful. I try to not focus on my H but there is no excuse for an affair or abandoning one's family. There is always a right way to do things that are for the best interest of the kids and just leaving, walking away to go on a permanent vacation is not one of them.

[FLTC]

COG, MK,

You're right. I have, however, looked at myself and know a lot of things that I needed to change, no matter what. I do understand my shortcomings. One of the issues is, however, that evn as I DB'd, and began to try and give W. what she wanted after MC in 2003, she was NEVER happy, and struck out at all around her.

One of the things that bugged her pre-MC was that I would never stay at home with the kids when they were sick. She would always have to miss work. I told her that I would make that up. For the next two years, EVERY time the kids were sick, I stayed at home, even after my boss made some comments. Another thing was that I never planned "fun things". OK. Got it. I took her to Broadway plays, concerts...no recognition...nada....zilch, except that I had not planned in detail, wherew we would go for lunch while in NYC.

So i really worked on the things that she mentioned, hoping that other good things would follow. No acknowledgement from her.


I really turned it around in those areas, but she would then veer off into a new direction. "You're 51 years old, and you take no initiative. The front door needs to be replaced" I would never have guessed that in a million years, yet I was taken to task for not noticing that and "taking the initiative to fix it". Once she mentioned it, I had it replaced within 3 days. Her comeback "There are certain things that I don't want to tell you"

[Matilda2]

... began to change the day that I let her go and turned my focus onto ME!
COG

Turning the focus.....on ourselves. However, shouldn't the focus be on our positive side, not our failures as viewed by our WASs?

As FLTC pointed out he changed, but his wife just found other things to be upset about (and things his wife couldn't/wouldn't tell him). I sense that you, FLTC, have changed a lot more since being in Iraq, but I still interpret some of your writing as feeling like a failure because you can't get your wife to change her mind about your marriage. Why do you want to be married to someone like the person your wife has become? (I am not asking that to be mean, I am trying to understand my own feelings).

I think the focus should be on ourselves, but from the standpoint of how we can be happy with ourselves, imperfect as we are.

[DaveJ]

I think we also have to realize that the changes we are making are for us and not for our S. Otherwise we will always feel like failures because we are seeking approval from the S. Once we realize we are changing for the better as a person because we want to, not only that improves our PMA, the changes would last. Plus, we would know that we are a better and improved person and if the WAS can't see and appreciate that then it is their loss.

[FLTC]

I think changes have to be made WHILE LETTING GO. You can't change just to please your spouse. I tried. That didn't work. MK, it's like I've previously said, I don't want the angry, acid-filled person that is my W. right now either.

I guess we all want our spouses back, but don't want what we HAD. But that really may take two! I feel like a failure, because the should'a ,would'a ,could'a sometimes eats me alive. But you know what, my wife has some serious issues too. Read the old threads if you need some proof, but THAT GETS ME NOWHERE!

[No_hill_for_a_Swimmer]

I think changes have to be made WHILE LETTING GO. You can't change just to please your spouse

I think you got it

I feel like a failure, because the should'a ,would'a ,could'a sometimes eats me alive.

Anyone with core values would feel the same way. However after a while it's tough to eat through scar tissue.

THAT GETS ME NOWHERE

Outside of the discovery process of how you got here there is a time where you turn the ship's bow forward instead of looking back and find your vision. Ships turn slowly and finding your vision while fighting the alligators is difficult at best. You will do it.