Wow...I stumble back into this tiny crevice of a space and sweep away the cobwebs and try desperately to remember the aroma this space once held. I apologize for not responding to the familiar faces but I have been drowning and to no ones fault by my own. My "M" is gasping with one breath and I have no job as of Valentines day...a different sort of "V" day for me. It's not every day one can get terminated on Valentines day. My W has been spending all her time at her new job and excelling. She loves it but unfortunately she spend even less time at home and now has trips to Chicago as part of her business. I am really proud of her but it has left a lot of animosity because of my kids, this house, my low self esteem and spending all my time with all the those. Basketball is over for the middle son and now comes the dreaded "Baseball" season. I am not looking forward to the full time shuttling. I dropped most of my DB'ing efforts and even dropped the efforts of sobriety for a short while. I have given up to about a 98% degree. I don't even feel capable to do the slightest tasks anymore. I nearly called my life an end last weekend through a conversations with old friends. I was lit like a roman candle sending sparks all through the Portland Metro area. All my conversations ended with me proclaiming I couldn't tow the rope anymore....on any front. I feel humiliated at losing my job for incompetence and my wife feels that I am just jealous that she is doing so well at her job. Right! The only thing I feel jealous about is that she gets time without the kids tugging on her legs, the freedom of not having to reconcile bills and not having to constantly keep putting on a tool belt, an apron around the house. Our conversations are on shut down and I think I might need to pack this little space up and move some different direction..the only piecing I am doing at the moment is take piece by piece from my own moral fabric and self esteem. I realize this is all pathetic in every regard...so all plywood boards can come a flying! I just need to expel again. I need to get out of here and asked my W to get away from the kids and all for awhile and that went down in flames as well. So I have to go to Home Depot to get some flooring for the kitchen...Oh joy! I just cant wait to get involved in that! To all who have been peeking in, I truly thank you! I really cant tell you how good it makes me feel to know there are heartbeats out there other than my own...peace
Hey friend--I was hunting for you this morning...worried that we hadn't heard from you and glad that you popped back in. So sorry you hit a rough patch--don't beat yourself up about it.
No 2x4s here--just wondering where you want to go from here?
whapu))))))))))))) was just asking about you yesterday!!! I'm sad to hear things aren't going well right now.
I'm sorry about the job, I know it was a new one and that you were really busy at the time you were last posting, I pray that a new better one comes soon.
Not pathetic, your sole presence here means tons because you have always strived to be in a better place for your M, to have a true R with your W. If my H only had one quarter of your determination we wouldn't be Ding right now.
Being the one responsible for all house/kids workload is draining, that's why I didnt' enroll my s9 in football, it'd be too much, I love the little boy, but I won't run myself ragged everyday after work to take him to practice, there are other things he can do without me killing myself driving him to practice, specially now that I have to do it all by myself. Isnt' there a way you can enroll him in a martial arts class that meets 2 or 3x a week? just an idea.
I'm a lurker here now but please do come if only to vent, and through that, to find some healing and piece your soul first))))))))))))
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Well...Thank you Aud and Cat for lingering around my stagnant space! I think I will reply to some of the questions first and then go into more detail my predicament or sitch.
Aud, Where do I want to go from here is beyond a million dollar question. I feel all my options have been exhausted. I have played and toyed with all my opportunities to the extent that I feel I might not have any left. As far as my "M", I am not so sure I want to really continue that either. I feel that my contact with my W and children and being stuck as the maintenance man (hence, the 70's sitcom One day At A Time) is not going to work much longer. I am constantly surrounded by guilt and if by chance I forget that guilt I am quickly reminded by one of my children or W. All my angst comes from me, the finger of blame is pointed at me. What My children or W don't realize is that I beat them to it far before they had a chance to lift their own fingers. I need to find some traction somewhere in circumstance. I am not all that bad,,,really. Just self absorbed not in material things but in my mental outlook...the glass is cloudy my friends. So Aud, any ideas I would certainly welcome them. I would go back to school but I really feel that there is some sort of learning disability going on here. How I get tested away from the public school system I don't know. I used to rely on my intricate memory, that I no longer carry. Cat, My middle son is immersed in Baseball through my W and his own. It is good for him, I just get tired of killing myself 5-6 days a week with shuttling when I have a little one to care for as well. While working, I adjusted my whole timeline and life around my kids and wife. Now I have to adjust it again while looking for work. I have brought this up to my W and she said that she just CANT do it! She can't wake up earlier in the morning because it would make her miserable..I thought the same things when I had to get up at 3:30 am every morning and go to bed at 12:00 midnight. So I dont know ...I have to get away but how? I dont shuck responsibilities, never have but I dont really like being thrown to the wolves every night either. My mind is empty but that is a few more crumbs from my plate...Peace
