We had a wonderful Thanksgiving. Had mom over and the kids. So much better then last year. I did a turkey and too many other side dishes. Ate to much, but we had fun. My mom looked very tired this year. I wonder if this will be her last holiday. The weather was perfect, except no snow. Yes it did snow one Thanksgiving here that I recall. Thanksgiving this year was overcast and very cold, in the 40's - that is cold for here. Today it is clear and cold. It is 37 deg.
Today is also my birthday. While Thanksgiving was comforting b/c I reflected on the good things, today sucks.
My thoughts are focused on failure, my failures. How I screwed up my family. How I only get 40% time with my kids. How I am 52 and I feel so old - good news, only 10 more years to social security. How I really don't like my job very much. Few real friends. No social life. No sex. Discontinued hobbies. How the finances will go down after I am forced to buy her out of the house - I will have to pay for that house all over again. How some 30-something up-and-comer will take my job.
No one to put their arms around me in that special way and wisper in my ear that you did not open ALL your presents yet - just wait until the kids go to bed ..............
How what I know and what I do really is little to show for 52 years of living.
Did I mention that I feel so old? I should not have to start over again. I should be in front of my own fireplace today surrounded by family and friends, reflecting on a good life. But no.
I don't want to date. I don't want to play that stupid game again.
I don't like me. How after two years of this sh*it I am still acting like a jerk. Mr. know-it-all. How I still treat others in the wrong way.
I don't like me today.
Maybe I will go to Chucky Cheese today. Order the MRSA special, with extra pepperoni.
