The Gratitude Thread

[Lillieperl]

Glad you checked in, Julie & RHW. I hope others will share some gratitude stories today, too.
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This morning I feel grateful.

We had our T-Day yesterday-- Wednesday-- and I highly recommend that for everyone. This morning as everyone else is lighting their ovens and preparing to spend the day in the kitchen, WE ALREADY HAVE OUR YUMMY LEFTOVERS! Heh heh heh. Turkey, dressing, sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce, and THREE pies-- he baked them all from scratch-- pumpkin, pecan, and his specialty: a fudge pie. No pressure to do anything today at all. It's like getting your homework done a week ahead of time or turning in your taxes on April 1 or something. We all feel quite smug this morning!

Also, being here and watching him take care of his mom-- I gotta say, it is a beautiful thing. Watching him heat her food just so, coaxing her to eat something, and yet not hovering in an obnoxious way... it's heartwarming-- truly. And she is loving having us here. She has always wanted her home to be a center of activity, but she has let her own house slide so much that no one can really get in there. But here yesterday with me and bf, bf's daughter, and my late H's cousin, she was just beaming.

This morning she has already called a couple of her siblings around the country (she's one of 7, and all are living except one), and she's been weeping a little at intervals-- with gratitude. Gratitude is good medicine-- I'm sure of it.

He's doing everything he can to make her comfortable. She's up and around and walking and everything, but weak, and food just doesn't taste good. Things have to be just the right temperature or they just won't go down. She has to eat with a spoon or she feels queasy. A lot of their conversation is about the food and how it does or doesn't taste good, and how much she managed to eat or not eat. I think this is normal for chemo. My other friend who's caring for her partner who's on chemo spends a lot of time looking for food that her partner can keep down.

I so remember this with my late H. When he was on dialysis, it was a challenge to find stuff he could eat. I call the renal diet the "no food" diet-- no potassium, limit phosphorous, of course, limit everything that has a lot of water in it-- in short, very limited fruits and vegetables. I planted a garden with just the renal-permitted vegetables... beans, cabbage, I forget what else. I knocked myself out just as my bf is doing-- for 10 years. I don't think he will be doing this for 10 years. I hope she has a few years left to enjoy this lovely apartment and the way we can all be with her in her home-- something that has not been possible for many years. But I digress somewhat...

A little while ago, I rolled into the kitchen and told him, "Watching you take care of your mom with such devotion is a beautiful thing." He hugged me and thanked me and said, "I've got some devotion left-- I gotta take care of my sweetie, too." And he really focused on me and we really connected. Both of us "got" at the same time that this is something he has to do, BUT he also wants to take care of me, when it's possible. Being here for a day or two after my surgery will be good.

I still think we're going to have to come to a place where we recognize that we're friends not lovers... down the road. Right now, I am seeing his character in action, and it is beautiful. If he ever were capable of loving me as a lover, it could be wonderful... but I'm not sure he's capable of that much naked intimacy with a peer woman. Frankly, I question whether I'm capable of it either. This will do for now.

[OG_Lou]

Also, being here and watching him take care of his mom-- I gotta say, it is a beautiful thing. Watching him heat her food just so, coaxing her to eat something, and yet not hovering in an obnoxious way... it's heartwarming-- truly.

Lil, that sounds like what the (friends's younger brother that had gf's but never married) I mentioned earlier does.

He makes an almost perfect son. Does everything for his mother, but doesn't quite connect (no spark/chemistry) with women his age.

It's like getting your homework done a week ahead of time or turning in your taxes on April 1 or something
That sounds wonderful.

I now how it feels when there is too much to do, too much to eat, and too many places to go all on one day.

"I've got some devotion left-- I gotta take care of my sweetie, too."
WTG, wink, wink. You see, he isn't gay. Maybe like my friend, just doesn't get that chemical in love feeling with in himself.

but I'm not sure he's capable of that much naked intimacy with a peer woman.
I suppose he doesn't know either while his mother is alive.

One book advised men to divorce their mother.

I was supporting my mother when I met BB. The connection and responsibility I felt I owed my mother did interfere with my R to BB at times, not often, but enough to cause some resentment in BB.

Women do something similar with their kids. Kids first, house second, H third. Gee maybe the pets are third in some cases.


Gratitude:
BB and our daughter decided to do TG dinner. There was some grumbling that no one appreciated the work they put into dinner. I offered to do everything myself my way but it wasn't what they wanted, so they decided to have it again.

TG dinner today. BD 64 tomorrow. Car lot selling cars for 1/2 price tomorrow? Daughter and her H started MC. Lots to be thankful for.

Lou

[Miss IC]

I know I said I was taking a few days off the board but I thought of Lilly's gratitude thread and just had to come and post again

We kind of broke from our normal Thanksgiving tradition of going to IC's mom's house for dinner. At IC's urging, we stayed home and had 2 other couples that are close friends of ours over for dinner. Dinner at mom's is a pretty hectic event...there is like 50 people come there..aunts, uncles, cousins, etc... It was just so nice and relaxing to stay at home and just enjoy the day with a few good friends

As usual, IC took control of the menu Lilly shared some of their meal ideas so I'm gonna share some of ours {Lil, those pies sound yummy } He was up bright and early...out in the snow, firing up the grill {yes folks, I said snow ! } He did the turkey from our hunting trip on the grill..rotisserie style. He also made these maple glazed acorn squash with some type of walnut stuffing. I'd never had these before but OMG !!! If the funds were available, I can almost see IC owning a quaint little log cabin type restaurant where he could be head chef and serve up his array of gamey type dishes {IC might tell you I married him for his charming attitude and good looks...truth is, the SOB can cook } He did give me a little room in HIS kitchen to make a home made apple pie. I felt a little sorry for IC..like Lil's bf's mother...not too much of an appetite yet

Of course the "boys" had to have the football game on {sorry guys...can't rag on IC too much for the Lions losing...he's a die hard Packer's fan } Us "girls" gathered around the deserts and talked about the "boys" All in all, just a really nice day.

I thought of everyone on here and what they were doing today...Journey down in Florida, Mojo somewhere here in Michigan in the snow Corri, probably with her boys down in Ohio, Red down in Tex with her parents and boys..anxiously awaiting her husband's visit I just thought of all of you and even though we're spread out all over..it just felt like you were all right here..right here with us, helping us share this wonderful day of thanks

I know it's only one day and all too soon we will resume our hectic schedules...but it just felt so nice to have this day. Given the journey that we have been on and for the ones yet to come..it was good to just slow down, take in the scenery and enjoy the ride today

Now if you guys don't mind...I've got someone patiently awaiting me in bed

[Miss IC]

Well here I am again, someone that just a short time ago had to really search deep inside to see what she was grateful for, even though it was right in front of her.

I get home from work yesterday evening and find out that we have no electricity ! It's below freezing up here, getting dark and NO ELECTRICITY! IC...."I called {my girlfriend}, why don't you take the girls over to spend the night there...her daughter has been wanting them to sleep over for a long time anyways. And while you're gone, I'll start-up the small generator."

So I return from dropping the girls off...still no lights. I go inside and IC has a nice fire going, a bunch of blankets and pillows layed out on the floor in front of the fire, he's poured me a glass of wine and he's sitting in front of the fire making smores

I ask him..."couldn't get the generator going?" With a little wink, IC replies.."Honey, we don't own a generator " Needless to say...any LDness that was starting to creep back into me these past couple weeks --- GONE !!

So what am I grateful for this morning ? I'm grateful for that large tree that came down across the power lines

[RedHeadWife]

Good for you -- have to say I'm jealous right now, but know I'll have my time once H gets back

Last night, we got on the web cam w/ H. I have to say that I have the most wonderful H in the world (besides IC of course). He has now started calling me "My Kelly" again all the time in that wonderful tone of voice he has. Also, the way he was looking at me . . . well, I KNOW he loves me and that's all I need to know.

The boys & I went to the nature center yesterday p.m. It's so cold here that we can't go to the park or whatever we would normally do. We live in this podunk town that has no zoo or anything much for the kids. The nature center is this cool little place w/ snakes, lizards, spiders & other "different" type animals. In fact, yesterday someone had orphaned a skunk and the boys got to pet it.

I finally told H about the B&B -- well, I emailed him the website while we were on the phone. I couldn't wait any longer for him to get the info I sent in the mail. He is soooo excited. Talking about the fireplace thing, we don't have one, but the B&B does & we're definitely looking forward to some togetherness in front of the fire

[Imconfused0807]

So I return from dropping the girls off...still no lights. I go inside and IC has a nice fire going, a bunch of blankets and pillows layed out on the floor in front of the fire, he's poured me a glass of wine and he's sitting in front of the fire making smores

I ask him..."couldn't get the generator going?" With a little wink, IC replies.."Honey, we don't own a generator " Needless to say...any LDness that was starting to creep back into me these past couple weeks --- GONE !!

Damn, she's trying her best to ruin my reputation on here

[Lillieperl]

Not a good morning.

Bf did not come out yesterday (Saturday) or even call me all day. I finally called him around 7:00 pm and he proceeded to tell me what he cooked for mom, how he went shopping at TJMaxx for kitchen stuff and Wal-Mart for pajamas for her.

No mention of coming out last night, so I didn't mention it either, but I said I really need you to come out Sunday and take the dogs back to town, since I won't be able to manage them tomorrow morning when I go into town to go to hospital.

Today, I called him around noon (a little while ago) and of course immediately got the mom weather report (which is fine, really), and then a little song-and-dance about how he was waiting for a friend of his mom's to call him back and say when she was coming over so she could stay with mom while he came out here. I said, "You can't leave your mom alone at all?" thinking that yesterday his shopping expedition probably took at least a couple of hours. He said, "Well, I don't like to."

Anyway... he right away got into that testy, nasty tone of voice about how he's trying to do this and trying to do that and managing this and managing that... pounding on me... and sorry, but I started to cry a bit. Then he said, "What are you whimpering about?" I said, "I fully understand why you have to do all of this for your mom, but I wish you wouldn't make it sound like I'm making unreasonable demands on you by asking you to bring me a sandwich after three days." He said, "I can't help what my tone of voice sounds like! We've gone over this before! Just pretend you're reading my words on a sheet of paper and ignore the tone! Just get over it!"

I said I don't see why you have to wait for this friend to call before you leave your mom. The friend can call you and you can give her directions. He said, "Well, it's more a matter of what mom expects." And yet he can go on two-hour shopping expeditions.

I really need to be thankful for this whole episode...I've been seriously needing to be hit in the head with this particular 2X4: I'm seeing his true colors and it's being shoved in my face. I've turned away and made excuses for him, saying I understand, and he's been through this and that-- but the fact is that he cannot give me something very basic that I want and need: simple kindness and civility.

Lest anyone [ahem] misunderstand, I'm more upset about his testy, nasty, edgy way of talking to me about this than I am about whether or not he makes the time to get out here. I did tell him I absolutely need him to come to day to take the dogs back. (And he said, "I've been planning to do that for two days now." [Note the 7-ish reference to "planning," which does not come to fruition.]



Do you think I'm FINALLY getting the message about who this man is and where I fit into his life? I deserve better than this. Any human being deserves better than this.

I want him to take me to the hospital tomorrow afternoon. It will be interesting to see whether he sticks around. After all, it will require leaving his mom alone. (I don't mean for that to sound sarcastic-- she is indeed very fragile. She has osteoporosis on top of everything and the doc told her that she could bump something and break a bone.) I'm wondering if he will find someone to stay with her (like his daughter, for example) or whether I'll wake up from the surgery and he won't be there. I DON'T expect him to stay overnight with me-- that would be totally unnecessary.

When I can detach a bit, it's interesting to see all of our issues being played out in this situation-- it's like mythology or something.

Maybe it was a good morning, after all...



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P.S. Has anyone been around here long enough to remember that when he and I first got together, he wouldn't go down on me because I had a little "bump" (about the size of a grain of rice) on one of my inner labia (sorry if that's TMI). It was a teeny cyst. He even told one of our early therapists* that was why he wouldn't do oral sex on me. And I FELL for that story?!? What a dope! I took steps to remove the bump, but he still has never done oral on me.


*That therapist told me that she didn't see any hope for him to change enough to make a relationship with him possible. She said he might improve, but it would take YEARS because he had so many deep, troubling issues. That was in 2003.


What a dope I've been!

[OG_Lou]

Maybe it was a good morning, after all...
Maybe it is an eye opening morning?

((((Lil))))

Lou

[RealJourney]

Lil, My wheelchair acrobat, I have been thinking a lot about you. You amaze me with your resourcefulness, but please be careful. There I said it. Now I am putting away my cow.

I'm reading about the good, the bad, and the ugly wrt your bf, and it is certainly a challenge. I am sure you miss the easy rapport you had with your H.

How are things today?

[Lillieperl]

I'm at bf's mom's apt this morning. Going to hospital at 2 pm. The more I'm around him these days, the more I see how this cannot work any more.

I'm getting this ice chest thing that will cool my ankle after surgery. The doctor's office called this morning and the lady reminded me to have plenty of ice on hand to keep the thing full. I'll be icing my foot for 2-3 weeks.

So I hung up and said to bf, "The doctor's office called and said to make sure we have plenty of ice on hand for the ice chest thing."

He said, "Well, I'll get you a big 10-pound ice chest and you'll have plenty of ice."

That didn't actually make too much sense to me, because ice in an ice chest melts eventually. You really have to keep it in the freezer, right?

Then it started.

Me (thinking why would we want an ice chest sitting around here letting the ice melt when we have a freezer?): "Let's just get a couple of bags of ice and put them in the freezer."

Him, sarcastically: "Since you seem to have a plan, let's hear it." [subtext: "You totally rejected my idea."]

Me: "Well, I was thinking that since I'm going to be here at the apt for a few days, why don't we just get a couple of bags of ice and put them in the freezer here? Ice in an ice chest is just going to melt."

Him: "When it melts, it's even colder than when it's frozen."

Huh?

It went on and on for a few minutes, with him suggesting the big ice chest to keep the ice in for the little ice chest that will be cooling my foot. As usual, it wasn't specifically the content of the discussion, although that was lame enough, it was the sarcastic "I guess you have it all figured out and my ideas are crap" tone.

It's just so tiresome to spar over every little teeny thing.


Last night, I was trying to get myself to the apartment. I got the wheelchair out of the car and I had several bags, one of them a rolling bag. I did okay pushing myself with one leg until the path started going uphill. When I got to the front door, I got partway through it (the auto-open thing was broken) and got stuck. The door closed on me and my rolling bag. I sat there for a while waiting for someone else to come along, and oddly, the only other person I know here DID come along. She's the webmaster at the Temple and her parent's live in the apt above bf's parents. She freed me and helped me take my stuff upstairs.

Later I recounted this story to bf, and all he could focus on was "how did you get stuck in the door? That doesn't make any sense. Why didn't you just push the door open?

"Because both of my hands were full." Followed by several minutes of me trying to explain how it would be quite easy to get stuck in the door when your hands are full and the door is big and heavy.

He walks away, shaking his head, not comprehending, acting like I was a total incompetent dunce.


In all fairness to him, this is not new. From day one, he has challenged virtually everything that comes out of my mouth. *I'm* the dope who has put up with it.


Y'all: around 4:30 pm CST I'd appreciate some kind thoughts sent my way... that's when the surgery is going to happen. Thanks.