I hear your complaints and you have some hurt feelings. Unfortunately your reaction to the hurt was to commit adultery and believe me, that hurt her so much more deeply and for so long. Sounds like she didn't feel much choice about the 2nd pregnancy and pressure to have her have the baby AND work could easily feel unfair to HER and she could have felt abandoned by YOU...acts of service are one language of love, but her language may be a different one. I recommend, in addition to Divorce Remedy, "The Five LOve languages" book. You aren't on the same page in some way.s
Don't interpret her knowing of the A as condoning it, or holding it over your head. In all probability she wanted to see if YOU would end it on your own. But the sad thing is that when you were with your wife you wanted warmth and loving....but she knew you had betrayed her and very very few women are warm and loving to a man they know to be cheating....it's a vicious cycle.
Totally accept that her coldness may well have been a result of what her pain was, not an act against you. And realize much of that "original" pain came from her feeling neglected/pregnant again/pressured to work/unattractive and the grand finale, your A. I think you were lucky she waited to see what would happen. But when she did her 180' for real, and you had to choose, you chose her. But now SHE is confused. All this time she may have been planning to heal herself from the expected blows from you ---more affairs, more lies, maybe illegitmate kids, STDs, and she did this by protecting her heart, putting walls up to protect herself.
You both have a hard road. Are you seeing a c to check out why you'd do this to a woman you love? Why won't you do it again? Do you KNOW that you won't do it again? How? If you've got good answers to those ??, then TELL HER and SHOW HER.
Good luck, and get that 5 Love Languages book, by Chapman (?) j-
Thanks for the insights. It has been a bit since I posted. I have read 5 Love Languages and Covenant Marriage by Gary Chapman. I KNOW I WAS/AM lucky to have her have waited for me. I KNOW that. I have been seeing a counselor on my own to deal with the answers to your questions as posed and I will update you as I make progress.
For an update for those of you that have been trying to help me and be supporting, it has been three weeks since I started this thread. My W now talks when I call, she doesn't hang up on me. We haven't been talking other than about the kids and it isn't easy being on the east coast and her in the Midwest.
I did thank her for considering our family for T-day and she called me that afternoon for help me getting tickets. It was a great day for me. Further, later on in the week I called her and shared a success at work and she was very happy for me. I picked her up on Wednesday at the airport for T-day. The ride up was pleasant and the kids have been great. I have been trying the LRT and it is slow going. My W is wearing the earrings I gave her, her rings, and another ring I gave her. She is getting along great with my family. I see a definite attempt to push me out of the picture as she talks about her plans for the kids in the spring, and referring to the kids as hers, not ours. It is very hard for me. However, there have been a few times where with her guard down she has smiled at me and even "high-5'd" me as we took the kids bowling with my fam. She has not made any mention of divorce. My mom observed that she is acting out towards me but perceived the same actions when the guard is down.
I have met with a DB counselor over the phone three times and have signed up for the next 3 sessions too. I am trying as hard as I can, and I KNOW IT WILL REQUIRE MORE THAN I THOUGHT.
